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#139232 - 01/27/07 12:39 PM An unexpected death
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I just got a call from a friend of mine to tell me that a friend of his died this morning. He had a massive heart attack at 54 years old. I had a very difficult time with this conversation because my friend was crying and hurting so badly. I wanted to say all the right things but he was looking for something from me that I couldnít give. You see, the man who died is a former boss of mine. I worked for him for 9 years. To say that he was a difficult man is being extraordinarily kind. By the end of my employment, I couldnít stand him. This wasnít just an employee/employer conflict; I didnít like him as a person. I could go into so much detail explaining why I didnít like him, but that would be pointless; I just didnít and the fact that heís dead doesnít change that.

I hate this. We had mutual friends; I knew his family so I will pay a respectful visit to his family while they sit Shiva, but it will be hard because of the way I feel.

I guess the answer is that I wonít be doing it for him, Iíll be paying my respects and offering sympathy to those that did love and care for him. Itís their loss Iíll be mourning, not mine.

I can honestly say that Iíve never felt this way about anyone I know who has died and I donít like myself very much right now, not one little bit.

Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#139236 - 01/27/07 01:07 PM Re: An unexpected death [Re: Trish4850]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Trish,

First of all, you're taking the absolute correct approach when you decide to offer your sympathy to his family. They, after all, are the ones for whom the various activities are for.

Please don't feel bad about how you felt toward this man. Let's be honest here. He was an ass. My boss is an ass. They do things that devalue others and make others unhappy whether it be knowingly or unknowingly. It's neither wrong nor bad to feel antipathy for people like that regardless if they've died or not. It's our way of protecting ourselves from their boundary crossing persona. Just because they've died doesn't mean we need to change our attitude.

Nothing is more repugnant to me than to watch the funeral of a scoundrel and see how suddenly he's the best thing since sliced bread when he was a child molester and everyone knew it (I use that example because it happened in my extended family a few years back). What's that all about? Let's call it what it is or at least maintain our silence rather than deify the guy.

Anyhow, I've run on long enough here. I mean no offense to you Trish by anything I've said above. I was simply trying to make a point that some folk are not pleasant to be around and it's not wrong to feel the way you are feeling right now after they've died.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
ďLifeís journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ĎHoly ____Ö! What a ride!íĒ ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#139251 - 01/27/07 02:54 PM Re: An unexpected death [Re: WalkingSouth]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Trish -

I understand this conflict

and in a way - I think it is a righteous decision you've determined -

truly -

Per example -my sister's assistant - who was a recovering alcholic when i knew her
- once said in a long conversation we had -

that 'sometimes mark - what we must do in life - is just be fulfilled in knowing that we did what we were 'supposed' to do' -

It's rough - as I do not like "not liking" people -

but - I think that - as part of this circle -
you are doing a good thing -
for those you love - and not him.

i remember a song that said - a similiar thing mentioned
in a song about a man who died -

the singer cried - when the man died because "she felt nothing"

you're ok trish -

death - always changes everything - around it -

and naturally - if this person was 'a shit' to you -

his death - now brings up all that complicating 'crap'

- sorry.

Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#139256 - 01/27/07 03:27 PM Re: An unexpected death [Re: markgreyblue]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Thanks John and Mark. I know all that you've said is true. John, I'm with you 100% that a person should not be held up as wonderful in death when he absolutely was not in life. I guess that's where my issue is. I know I'll face this exact issue when I meet people who basically felt the same way as me. I won't be able to do it. When they start telling funny stories and saying how great he was, I'll have to excuse myself so as not to say anything at all. He was funny, at times, but more often than not his humor was at someone elses expense. It's going to be hard to pull off without it being obvious.

Quote:
that 'sometimes mark - what we must do in life - is just be fulfilled in knowing that we did what we were 'supposed' to do' -

Mark, that is a VERY true statement and yeah, his death has brought up alot of memories and even anger that I thought I got rid of a long time ago. Now I'm mad for still being mad. Stupid.

ROCK ON......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#139262 - 01/27/07 04:02 PM Re: An unexpected death [Re: Trish4850]
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
hey -

his death - took that emotional "book" off the shelf.

eh?

rock on.... too

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#139364 - 01/28/07 10:37 PM Re: An unexpected death [Re: markgreyblue]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I had a boss that I hated, and for good reasons, let me give an example. She (my boss) came down with severe problems related to a collapsed lung and she was in the hospital for almost two weeks......and not a SINGLE person came to see her. Now that wasn't because we were uncaring co-workers, it's because she was a bitch from hell that no one liked period. It was her fault that no one liked her.

Needless to say she was fired not too long after that.

My point is, you DON'T have to like everyone you meet, if they didn't treat you with dignity and respect, something everyone deserves, then you're not obligated "like" them etc.


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#139374 - 01/28/07 11:58 PM Re: An unexpected death [Re: Hauser]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i wanted to post a different twist on this kind of thing,i had a foster brother that was killed in a car accident ,he was 16 at the time ,being in foster care usually means you have things in your past ,pretty much the same things for all of us ,drugs in trouble with the law,but nothing real bad ,at the funeral the preacher went on and on about all the bad things mitch had done ,he had nothing good to say about him at all except how god would forgive him.it sucked they acted like he was a bad person but he was not.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#139420 - 01/29/07 06:50 AM Re: An unexpected death [Re: shadowkid]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Adam,

That is horrid! No preacher, reverend, priest, rabbi, etc. should ever do such a thing. I guess that preacher was never taught that if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Well it turns out that Bob is being buried tomorrow at 11:00; I won't/can't take off from work, so I won't go to the funeral. My friend wanted me to so I could hold his hand since his wife can't be there, but.....Bob's wife is not Jewish and both of his parents are already deceased so no one will be sitting Shiva for him. Guess I don't have to worry about mingling with other people and can get away with a sympathy card in the mail.

ROCK ON..........Trish


_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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