I was 15 at school and soon there was going to be a 'school play'.
My french language teacher decided that the class was going to present a french childrens poem on stage.
The main character was a fat sickly boy called Bernard who hates everything.
The poem was made up as a series of verses, each verse describing the attempts made by various people to reduce Bernards suffering.
In each verse came another character.
The doctor had a go, the chef comes with a special dinner, the musician comes with a violin.
A magician, rabbit in hat, the tailor with a handsome suit.
Each charater had a few lines to recite, with a few staged movements.
The only character that remains on stage for the whole performance is Bernard.
I was the last verse.
I was the last chance to make Bernard happy after everyone else had failed.
I was a sexy french nurse!
High heel shoes, long black stockings, short white dress, makeup and a nursey hat!
Tall skinny me just 15 with my it strapped down and me others strapped up and so much makeup.
High heels hurt like hell.
Mouth too dry to say the lines.
But I know what to do, I've got to 'get sexy' with Bernard in a way that will raise the temperature in the audience without transgressing any laws.
Oh I was good, only getting hotter until the curtain fell.
Other schoolboys picked me to play girl because they knew I was the one to pick.
I could cope with the shame, they humiliated me all the time anyway, and they knew I could do it sexy too.
They wanted to see that I suppose, a classmate playing a sexy french nurse.
Nobody gave a fig if i had anything to say.
The roles were dealt out so unfairly, it was a democracy and I was just voted on as french nurse. My mum was a real nurse so I had access to hospital equipment, and my entire nurse uniform and accessiores was absolutely genuine apart from the tallheel shoes.
I looked good in it.
The olds should've knew it would up off my mind.
Mum made my stage clothing fit tighter etc.
I'm So shamed by the playacting I had to do, and the jeering calls and tittilated whistling from men in audience and the other boys.
I was the only boy in the school to face such horrid shameful stage act in front of teachers and parents.
In the 6 years I was at that school there was not one sexier stage performance by a male.
I did look so good though under the spotlight.
I really had a traumatic experience that day and several weeks before and after.
I had not recalled this thing, in the 28 years that are gone between, except once or twice and then seen so deep like my memory is stored underwater, at the bottom of a nuclear pond, far down and utterly deadly.
Observe, retire, do not touch.
To be left alone until it explodes.
I never felt the shame again until today and I expect there is more weeping to come.
I knew this school play would need closer examination.
I didn't examine it until this day.
Oh and I am so glad people do tell their own life stories so other people other where other when know they're not alone.
I'll remember these days of my life and I'm so proud of myself for writing it down if a little difficult to read sorry.