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#31316 - 10/20/06 03:51 AM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
bc22 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/22/06
Posts: 82
Loc: indiana
He was my cousin. I was 6 and he was 12 on the first time. He basically"explored me" It wasn't until I was 7 and he was 13 that he really abused me, sodomized me. He muffled my mouth and put me through the worst hell I would not even want to imagine. He continued the same pattern for years. I was the youngest, so he would include me when he had other plans. When he was done, he was done with me. I was the tag-along again and was picked on by all my cousins then. If a therapist was to ask him anything on my behalf, it would be," would you rather have your testicles deep fried before I shove them down your throat, or au gratin!!!


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#31317 - 10/22/06 02:02 AM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
redman Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/12/05
Posts: 9
Loc: UK
I was sexually abused at school by two girls the same age as me, from thirteen to fourteen years old.

I have aspergers syndrome and temporal lobe epilepsy, and as a result I tended to stand out among the other children and was a regular target for physical and verbal abuse.

This became sexual abuse when two girls thought it would be entertaining to pin me in a chair and start rubbing themselves against me and groping me every day for over 18 months, saying unspeakable things to me all the while.

This ultimately caused Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, isolation from other people, an extreme awareness of how Asperger's Syndrome (a form of autism, I'm an Aspie) makes me different from other people, and agoraphobia.

Having only recently begun therapy for this, and having spent six months sick off work due to the stress sending the epilepsy out of control, I am uncertain how my life will progress from here.

I am unable to walk down the street without being overcome with paranoia, although when I am able to talk to people I have been told by my psychotherapist that there is nothing to dislike about me.

Also having recently had problems with epilepsy (there are no medications other than sedatives that will stop the seizures, and the doctors will not presribe them unless it becomes life threatening) as well as flashbacks, agoraphobia and an acute awareness of my difference from other people (Aspergers), the whole situation, triggered by the initial flashbacks, has left me with nothing left of my life but to want to be alone to study in peace.

That is my passion. Reading and studying. I have a nearly photographic memory and an IQ of 154. There is nothing else in the world worth spending time on except for my parents, my sister and her fiance.

It is too easy to let yourself by consumed by anger, hate and a desire for vengeance, but that would make me as bad as so many other people. I just stay cold, keep studying and watch with cynical amusement as so many NT's (neurotypicals, Aspie slang for ordinary people) tear chunks out of each other.

Best wishes to everyone, and God bless you.


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#31318 - 11/01/06 07:51 PM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Hi Ken,

I believe my abusers were about 19-20 years old. They were in the army at the time they abused me. They also had fought in the Chechen war - as they informed me. I think they were damaged themselves by war and maybe raped while in service.

I would tell them: "You wanted to put your weakness on me, and you shared your pain with me. You blamed me! So blamed me for your faults and for your own victimization. Please know that I am a well-formed person now. You did not get caught then, but you will never be as free as I can be." ;\) Funny thing, Ken - it helps to talk about it.

\:\)
Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#31319 - 11/01/06 09:00 PM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
"What you could well have done, when you vitimized him, was ingrain in his thoughts a mindset of sexual confusion, shame, anger, and worthlessness that will take years for him to heal from, congradulations on fucking up this young mans life".


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#31320 - 11/01/06 09:12 PM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
mark250676 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/06
Posts: 310
Loc: England
"It's only him experimenting"

"It's like playing doctor's and nurses"

"It's normal"

"I used to play I'll show you mine if you show me yours"

"It's part of growing up"

All said by my parents at different times in my life. It also feeds into the "well you got an erection so you must have enjoyed it at some point" school of thought (Felt sick typing that). I told them about the abuse when my nephew was the same age as I was abused. I love my nephew and if anyone touched him as I was touched I would gain justice by any means. I never said it to them but I wanted to say

"Is it normal for a 7 year old to be anally raped?!"

But as the police won't take action there is still a part of me that feels weak, pathetic and perverted. And the anger is over whelming. And to top it all off my parents still live next door to him and his parents.

Basically I can't express the anger and feeling of being let down by my family and society. Thats why I'm fighting to protect kids as an adult.

_________________________
Survivor and fighter!

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#31321 - 11/01/06 09:21 PM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
mark250676 Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/06
Posts: 310
Loc: England
Advice to a teen abuser?

What have your parents done to you?

In my case anyway.

Your question has made me try to understand what I think of my abuser. I've always felt weak because I don't hate him. Although I have had thoughts of harming his property or making his crimes know to the local community. But I come down on the side of me being weak rather than being strong and forgiving. I'm not religious so don't believe in an afterlife and retribution. In all honesty their is a very dark part of me that see's him as the alpha male and me as scum.

_________________________
Survivor and fighter!

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#31322 - 11/02/06 02:52 AM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager....
Russ2 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 77
Hi Ken. This sounds like a challenging topic to cover.

It seems that most teenage offenders would likely fall into one of two main categories, each pertaining to the relative age of their victim(s). If he/she abused someone who is the same age, for example a 16 year old abusing another 16 year old, then a therapist should ask some obvious questions about consent. There should be a focus on the client's twisted perspective on what constitutes a healthy sexual relationship. Appropriate questions should be asked in an attempt to uncover the reasons for such a poor understanding of fair treatment and meaningful intimacy.

If the teenage perpetrator has abused a much younger child (or children), especially if the victim had not yet reached puberty, then a therapist should employ a far more psychologically-intensive set of questions. For example, questions related to intelligence, knowledge, intention, empathy, and attraction (to diagnose pedophilia), as well as to the likelihood of whether or not the abuser also happens to be a victim of abuse.

I was sexually abused beginning at the age of 5 by an older male relative -- a 16 year old cousin. Even though he was much older, I was aware he wasn't an adult. Because he was considered to be another child when it began, I think I blamed myself. I feared that my inability to stop him would make a strong case for at least a degree of guilt on my part. My emotionally neglectful mother and physically abusive father, combined with a church that reinforced my own feelings of shame, all contributed to a vicious cycle of childhood sexual abuse. The abuse I endured became chronic and increasingly harmful, finally ending when I turned 14. He turned 26 that year.

Today, I don't usually think of him as a "teenage offender" -- but I suppose he was one at the start. I do not know if he was ever abused himself, but I really don't think it would make much difference to me, personally. The lasting impact of his selfishness and cruelty has emerged as something I often describe as "the fallout". More than 20 years later, I continue to struggle with overwhelming feelings of shame, guilt, low self-worth, and a lack of love and kindness for myself. I've finally been able to acknowledge some of my sadness and anger. Yet for all the years I've thought (sometimes obsessively) about what happened to me, I don't believe he has ever once really thought about me at all -- it was always all about him.

I'm hopeful this helps you and others.

Thank you,
Russ


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#139192 - 01/27/07 09:10 AM Re: If Your Abuser Was a Teenager.... [Re: Russ2]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
I want to thank everyone for their input. The presentation was accepted and I'll be speaking to professionals who work with adolescent abusers on Feb. 26 in Albuquerque.

I'm going to work on the powerpoint slides and I wanted to give new members to MS a chance to give some input as well as those who wanted to add something if they've already written here. So, if you'd like to give me something to tell the professionals who work with teen abusers, please post here.

Thanks for your input.

Ken


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