Newest Members
JohnWC, KKumar, J44, Anura, reynel5
12420 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
biggbill70 (44), CP4 (24), EddieMi (46), EddieT (46), hemi1024 (54), Kage (70), kdj_74 (40), Knightswhitehart (49), otlhouston (47), TX_Space (47), VirtualBman (50)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 30 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12420 Members
74 Forums
63793 Topics
445490 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#139160 - 01/26/07 08:51 PM Was this abuse?
areiceff Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 2
Loc: West Virginia
When I was a junior/senior in high school, one of my teachers kissed me. I was at his house, which wasn't a big deal because alot of my friends would go there to visit. He was a new teacher at our school, but had been teaching for several years. This led to him fondling me and performing sexual acts on me, at his house, and at school, for several months until I went to college. I was 18, but very immature, emotionally and physically, for my age. I suspected after graduation that he was doing the same to other boys in the classes after I graduated, and it did come out that some students charged him with it and he went to jail for a short while. As far as I know the other boys were under 18, which I think is why it was a considered a crime. I have only told one person about this besides my family doctor, one of my friends from high school, who has told me that it was absolutely an abuse of his power, but my doctor said it was not abuse and I should just say I had a gay relationship with someone older than myself. I am really struggling with this. I keep thinking that if I could have done something to stop this, he would not have hurt those other boys.
Thanks


Top
#139173 - 01/26/07 10:12 PM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: areiceff]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Quote:
Sexual abuse is a misuse or abuse of power and control. It may be accomplished through force, deception, bribery, blackmail, or any other means that gives one party an upper hand.


Thats the defination according to Male Survivor. I think your situation fits even though it is not technically a crime due to your age. So yes I do think it was abusive. Just because your 18 doesn't mean it wasn't abuse.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#139174 - 01/26/07 11:11 PM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: onlyakid]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11112
Loc: Denver, CO
I was 19yo, possibly 18, when abused by a church counselor in the name of therapy. It is my opinion that you were abused. And I'm sad it happened to you.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#139181 - 01/27/07 12:42 AM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: FormerTexan]
Derdlecar Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1314
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
areiceff,

I had a teacher when I was a kid (15 or 16 years old) who always had boys stay over at his house. I never stayed over night but I went there a few times during the day. He had porn in his bathroom. I took voice lessons from him and he did use that one-on-one time to talk to me about masturbation and other inappropriate topics related to sex. I feel that this low life abused me and also that you were abused by your teacher.

I also want to welcome you to this place. I believe you will find support and friendship here that will help you as you travel the road to recovery.

Love ya
Darrel

_________________________
If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

Top
#139197 - 01/27/07 09:24 AM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: Derdlecar]
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
I think your doctor is an idiot. He sounds more like a defense attorney for abusers. What the teacher did would be borderline illegal in most places (and CERTAINLY cost him his job) because he was a teacher, you were a student. It is NOT the same as if you were 18, met a guy and had an affair. He used his power to coerce you into sex. Glad you're here - talk it out. Do you have a therapist?
Paul


Top
#139213 - 01/27/07 11:41 AM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: Paul1959]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Abuse? Absolutely! Teachers are NOT allowed to have intimacy/sex with students, it's an ethical code of conduct that has good reasons, as you have mentioned in your example, for existing.

The same goes for Psychologists and Therapists, but I don't know about other professions, perhaps other readers here could name other professions where the client is considered "hands off?"

Now, why do I say it was abuse? Because he had an adult life of knowledge to use, to his advantage, over your naivety, in order to convince you that it was "ok."

Now, the law presumes that at 18, you're able to have sound judgment about who touches you etc., but that teacher used his position of respect and authority to lull you into doing something that you otherwise NEVER would have done. That is abuse period.


Top
#139214 - 01/27/07 11:44 AM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: Paul1959]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
areiceff,

Welcome to this place. Sorry you have the need to be here, but glad you found us. Come in, relax, and consider yourself to be among friends.

If Paul hadn't said that about the doctor, I would have. In fact I think I'll go a step further and say that he, too, is probably a pedophile which is the reason he tried to deceive you by redefining what it means to be an abuser. I'd file a report on him to his licensing association, but maybe I'm just a hardass. What a creep.

Now to the teacher. I agree with the other guys that his actions fit the profile and definition of abuse. I know of a teacher in the greater Portland area that was doing the exact same things and got jailed because of it. I'm so sorry your teacher got to you also. It is so difficult to admit to oneself that he has actually been abused. I avoided it for 40 years. Called it playing around, experimenting, having fun, any other term I could come up with to keep from facing what it was and what it did to me.

You'll come through this if you're willing to take the steps toward healing. Some find it a difficult road, others find it somewhat easier, but it's all hard work making sense out of the senseless. All of us wish you the best on your journey of healing.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

Top
#139218 - 01/27/07 11:49 AM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: WalkingSouth]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
To look at it a little more clearly, if this had happened to your 18 year old son, how would you feel? I'd be outraged.

Welcome to MS, glad you found us and hope to help you on your healing journey.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#139245 - 01/27/07 01:52 PM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: EGL]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
areiceff,

Welcome to Male Survivor!

What your teacher did to you may not have risen to the level of a crime because of your age, but it most certainly WAS abusive and unethical. Unfortunately, your doctor was probably giving you his "legal opinion" on what constitutes abuse. If you wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt (it's up to you), you could believe that he was trying to spare you the label of being a victim of abuse?

Once again, welcome to Male Survivor! You will find that you have many friends here!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

Top
#139275 - 01/27/07 06:00 PM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: Brian]
areiceff Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 2
Loc: West Virginia
Thanks for all the replies. You all said what I feel-that this was abuse. I really appreciate your advice. I have thought about going to a therapist for several years, but I just haven't been able to make that step. I think that the teacher probably did this before he came to my school-he had been teaching for several years. I know that he did it after me, because he did go to jail for distributing porn to a minor and 3rd degree sexual assault. One thing that bothers me is that a lot of the people that I know (including one of my sisters) don't think he was guilty. They think he got a bum rap. Sometimes I just want to tell everyone that he is guilty, but I don't feel I can. Like I said before, I have only told one friend and my doctor. I haven't even told my wife, although she has asked in the past if he did anything to me. Thanks for listening.
BTW, my doctor is a lesbian, and I think that had something to do with her response about it just being a gay relationship.


Top
#139354 - 01/28/07 09:39 PM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: areiceff]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Areiceff,
Just one more thing, I just thought of. Since it was not legally abuse because of your age, it might not be wise to tell people he abused you except for maybe trusted family members or trusted friends, therapists or other health professionals that are bound to confidentiality. The reason I say this is because if you accuse him of abusing you, maybe considered slander (if said) or libel (if written). I am not saying he didn't abuse you, I believe that he did just that because he didn't legally do it, he might have grounds for a lawsuit if you told people he did.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#139357 - 01/28/07 09:43 PM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: onlyakid]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
What?

Tell whoever you want. If you get the word out about him, maybe some other kids will come forward. Have no fear of a lawsuit. He would have to show that you disclosed for personal gain. It would take one hell of a lawyer to prove that disclosing abuse is for personal gain.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

Top
#139377 - 01/29/07 12:16 AM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: Nobbynobs]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Sorry, I said that I didn't mean to imply that it should be a secret I was just more concerned about a possible lawsuit. I'm not a lawyer and I don't know the laws about slander/libel.

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


Top
#139382 - 01/29/07 12:44 AM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: areiceff]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i just wanted to say your not to blame for stuff he did after he molested you ,all the blame is his. kids are not responsible for things adults do .

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

Top
#139403 - 01/29/07 03:44 AM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: areiceff]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
I'm glad you have made it here. I agree with everyone that it was abuse. I know you can find the strength to talk to your wife about it if and when you are ready. I realize that can be difficult, because of a fear she will react like your doctor.

It was hard to tell my wife, because I still had feelings of it being my fault, thoughts that I "must" be gay. I wish we had talked about it a lot more, a lot sooner in our marriage.


Top
#139467 - 01/29/07 10:30 PM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: KeithR]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
This is the way I see it, the responsibility to heal is yours and yours alone. Only you can decide if what happened was wrong, and you most certainly DO NOT have to be able to explain WHY it was wrong. Do you see? By needing an explanation, we are invalidate our own feelings. If anyone insists on justification, they are bullying you and the conversation should thus end.

I came to terms with that right many years ago and it has been extremely powerful in so many areas of my life.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#139469 - 01/29/07 10:34 PM Re: Was this abuse? [Re: onlyakid]
batcountry Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/06
Posts: 263
Loc: the ether
Originally Posted By: jtt5254
Areiceff,
Just one more thing, I just thought of. Since it was not legally abuse because of your age, it might not be wise to tell people he abused you except for maybe trusted family members or trusted friends, therapists or other health professionals that are bound to confidentiality. The reason I say this is because if you accuse him of abusing you, maybe considered slander (if said) or libel (if written). I am not saying he didn't abuse you, I believe that he did just that because he didn't legally do it, he might have grounds for a lawsuit if you told people he did.



i dont think he needs to worry about that since this guy was already convicted for abusing other kids. just cuz he happened to not be underage doesn't make his situation any different.

_________________________
nothing to see here

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.