I feel like I am losing my dreams.
ww, my heart goes out to you - for so many reasons and so many things you say in your post.
there's nothing more difficult than looking at the reality of a relationship and realizing it's not what you expected, imagined, believed.
what i have learned most of all is in a relationship with a survivor, dreams do change regarding the relationship itself. your dreams for yourself don't have to change necessarily, but in life dreams change all the time as we make adjustments to what is and is not possible.
i do know as the relationship grew between my bf and myself, little steps that people take in a relationship, what seemed so normal and almost insignificant on one hand but still important on the other, seemed so incredibly difficult for him. of course this is before i knew about his csa and was totally perplexed as to what the problem was. for example, the first year we knew each other we lived some distance apart and only met every few weeks in a third city where we had both traveled to. only later after i moved closer to his location did doing something like having dinner at my place become a viable option. so when i asked him about coming over, i was met w/all kinds of resistance and excuses until we had a bit of a row about it over the telephone. i gave up, feeling exasperated, and much to my surprise, he called a little while later and said he was coming that very afternoon! we had a great time, he was ok, tho both of us visibly nervous that first time he was actually in my home.
this became a predictable routine where, whenever i wanted us to become a little closer in some aspect of our relationship. because i knew he'd never been married and to my knowledge, never even lived with someone (turns out he did for a very short time); i felt it was up to me to guide/direct him on how a relationship should proceed, just basic stuff. i thought it was extremely odd, but accepted it because i love him. i knew eventually i'd understand why he was the way he is.
yes, well, now i do understand and yes, my dreams have changed a great deal towards our relationship. however, something that hasn't changed is how i feel about him. i still have my own dreams and my own life's goals to work on, and i do that in a separate sphere than our relationship, although i share with him and he shares with me what we are both doing. sometimes we are close and our spheres crossover, sharing the same space. sometimes they do not, i am in my world and he is in his.
it seems significant to point out that you were not having a heart-to-heart conversation with him when you brought this up about having a family - you seemed both of you were talking off the top of your head, so to speak. a lot of times the mood you are in that day can effect virtually everything you think or feel so maybe, in his world which is no doubt frequently full of turmoil and stress, he saw no future as a family man. for you, on the other hand, with his words saw your dreams disappearing.
having a family is certainly important to some people, more than others, and since he's your husband, well, didn't you discuss this before marriage? is it possible to sit down and again go over this discussion? remind him gently about what you might have discussed back when?
planning a family in any context should be done with thought and consideration. to do so in your situation, where the survivor has disclosed but the relationship is strained because of communication difficulties, lack of therapy, whatever, certainly is putting a huge burden on the success or failure of any future family which may be created. please hear my words - parenthood is not easy, not at all. every child deserves to be brought into a family wanted by both parents, not just one.
talk to your husband, really sit down and talk with him. explain to him how you feel, what you said here about your dreams. let him know, or remind him, how important this is. then start taking steps to realize your dreams, which is, well, that's how dreams come true. find out what you can do. if it's go to a T, then do so. if your discussion leads that direction, then maybe he needs to go (no doubt he does) but maybe you need to insist.
your life, your dreams, they are under your control. the dreams you share together, well, they need to be expressed first, before anything else, then work it out from there. if he's reluctant to express any dreams (my bf says frankly "i have no ambition") then you mustn't under any circumstances let that deter you from yours. you must also realize, he is answering for what is true for that point in time. as his life changes, as he grows older, so may this change also.
most of all, you must believe in your dreams, they can come true, i know, because some (not by any means all) of mine have.
all the best,