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#139058 - 01/26/07 02:31 AM Disclosing more:
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
For any of you that know me and my story, you will remember that I have an older brother. When I was 9 years old, I disclosed to him and his friend instead of my parents, and THEY LAUGHED AND MADE FUN OF ME!

Their reactions to my disclosure sealed my lid of silence for 27 fucking years. We've not discussed this summer of 1978 ever since.

Well, I'm gonna write and mail a letter to him and a copy to my parents! He's not had to think about this since 1978, but I'm gonna slap him in the face and make him think about what he did to me.

My God! I was a 9-year-old boy, and I told my older brother that I was SEXUALLY MOLESTED and they LAUGHED AND MADE FUN OF ME!!!!!!

I'm gonna tell him what he did to me.

More to come, I can't talk about this more right now, I'm too pissed off. shit


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#139059 - 01/26/07 02:32 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: Hauser]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
I'm gonna let him HAVE IT.


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#139065 - 01/26/07 04:29 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: Hauser]
batcountry Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/06
Posts: 263
Loc: the ether
you let him have it hauser!! what a terrible reaction, no wonder you were afraid to tell after that. that pisses me off, they had no right.

_________________________
nothing to see here

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#139081 - 01/26/07 08:39 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: batcountry]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
sooner or later your gonna run out of people to blame ,then you will see who the real person that hurt you is , your parents and your brother are guilty of being idiots ,but its your perp that hurt you the most ,the guy who pulled you in with a fake friendship and then ripped your heart out . he knew exactly what he was doing ,he knew the destruction he was causing ,he just didnt care

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#139082 - 01/26/07 08:44 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: shadowkid]
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
How old was your brother when you were 9 years old and told him? If he also was a child, I would not place blame on him, even if his reaction was negative. Children can't be held responsible for saving other children. Adults can.

I just, I hope you do think on it some more, and decide for yourself whether his reaction 27 years ago is still worth so much anger that you will attack now. But of course, only you can know what is the best decision.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#139100 - 01/26/07 11:14 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: Leosha]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
He was going into 6th grade, and I was going into 4th grade in the summer of 78'.

shit


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#139101 - 01/26/07 11:32 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: Hauser]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
WHY didn't I tell my DAD? WHY? Well let's see here, I have a list of things to do (to prevent CSA) and well, what do you know? My parents were GUILTY of failing to do MOST of these things:

_________________________________________________________________
• The typical advice "Don't Talk to Strangers" doesn't apply in this case. Most sexual perpetrators are known to their victims.

• Do not instruct children to give relatives hugs and kisses. Let them express affection on their own terms.

• Teach your children basic sexual education. Teach them that no one should touch the "private" parts of their body. A health professional can also help to communicate sex education to children if parents are uncomfortable doing so.

• Develop strong communication skills with your children. Encourage them to ask questions and talk about their experiences. Explain the importance of reporting abuse to you or another trusted adult.

• Teach your children that sexual advances from adults are wrong and against the law. Give them the confidence to assert themselves against any adult who attempts to abuse them.

• Know where your children are at all times. Be familiar with their friends and daily activities.

• Teach your children that their bodies are their own. That it is OK to say they do not want a hug or that certain kinds of contact make them uncomfortable.

• It is important to remember that physical force is often not necessary to engage a child in sexual activity. Children are trusting and dependent and will often do what is asked of them to gain approval and love.
_________________________________________________________________


They are GUILTY AS HELL of this neglect!!! Jesus, WHY did they have to be so busy either leaving me (my Mom was going to college full time so that she could be "independent" and LEAVE us) or working on the stupid house (my Dad moved us into a 100yo house that needed repairs) to keep me from seeking the attention of the fucking pedophile down the street? God why was I not told this? Why?


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#139104 - 01/26/07 11:45 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: Hauser]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
So......I didn't want to say "Dad, ummmm I made this friend down the street, he's an older man and he's really cool, but....well he talked me into sucking his dick and I didn't like it".

So, NO I DIDN'T FUCKING TELL him because I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING DO!!!

If I had any idea that what he was doing would have made me so GOD DAMNED DYSFUNCTIONAL IN MY ADULT LIFE I WOULD HAVE TOLD!!!!


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#139105 - 01/26/07 11:53 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: Hauser]
batcountry Offline
Member

Registered: 09/20/06
Posts: 263
Loc: the ether
hauser, despite what some in this thread are saying... yeah your perp was the one that hurt you most, but it never would have happened if your parents did their jobs. they do not deserve ALL of the blame but they sure as hell deserve some of it! how could you have known, as a little kid, all the details of what you were and werent supposed to do and what was ok and what was not if no one taught you. its the parents job to do that. and they failed.

_________________________
nothing to see here

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#139154 - 01/26/07 08:36 PM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: batcountry]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
I'm in no position to give advice, but I'm with you all the way Hauser. Your parents had a very simple job, hell, evolution takes care of most of it for us, it doesn't take any effort to love your own children surely, it doesn't take much effort to care for them and do what comes naturally.

No, they had to put in a lot of effort to ruin your life, and for that I would give them hell. You can always make up later, but if you have the guts to pay out on them, I say give it all you've got.

Parents get all the votes and all the slack, I think they all deserve a bit of reality, a bit of responsability to balance out their sense of entitlement. I clearly have issues with my family too.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#139250 - 01/27/07 02:49 PM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: AshSurvived]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
My relationship with my dysfunctional family is not hostile, they simply figured "only other parents let their kids get molested, not mine".

They are not "bad" parents, they were simply too hung up with their own petty problems to keeps this shit from happening to me. That, and they simply lacked the knowledge of how to prevent it. But it still PISSES ME OFF since they were otherwise very bright and educated adults. My Mom was busy learning microbiology at college when she should have fucking taken parenting classes. Not to mention my Dad shouldn't have married her in the FIRST fucking place.


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#139290 - 01/27/07 07:51 PM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: AshSurvived]
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i think there has to be a balance,betwen primary guilt and secondary guilt, maybe your parents sucked but we all know kids who had good parents got groomed in the same as you right? to me there are three kinds of guilt with abuse ,primary ,the abuser, secondary the ones who should have protected us and self guilt ,i think if you dont figure out the first two ,then you accept the third . what it comes down to for me is intent ,your parents didnt set out to get you molested that was not their intent , your 12 year old brother didnt intend to fuck up your life when he laughed at you, your abuser was intent on molesting you he groomed you ,got you to like him ,trust him and then he molested you repeatedly ,he intended to satisfy his sick desire and didnt care what happened to the little boy inside that body ,to him you existed for his pleasure only. blame them all but hate him dude .i dont think your parents deserve the same anger that your perp does.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#139596 - 01/30/07 11:04 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: shadowkid]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Hauser,

I'm inclined to agree with Leosha on this one, and also the statement Adam made when he said when you run out of people to blame, what then?

I think at some point we need to be able to be able to get to the place where we realize there is nothing we can do about what happened in the past, and that we can only make a difference in what happens from this moment on.

That sounds like high and mighty talk, I know, but please believe me when I say I have my own struggles with the same bitterness of which you speak so this is as much for myself as it is for anyone else who reads it, perhaps more so. At least at this point in my life I have begun to intellectually understand the concept. Now if I can get my emotions to agree with my intellect more often, I'll have it made, yes?

I wish you the best as you struggle with these things, Hauser.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#140261 - 02/04/07 05:47 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: WalkingSouth]
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Well it's up to you to sort it out for yourself obviously Hauser. If you're that angry with them and you still insist they weren't bad parents, I don't think the board is much use on the topic, it's something you need to talk to a shrink about. Sounds to me you'd rather blame yourself than them.

I was basically saying take a side and play it through, if only to get it out of your system, I don't see the value in sustaining internal conflict. To me it's dishonest; either say they were great and love them to bits or get mad and give them a gutfull. If the middle way is to sustain contradiction and frustration in yourself it's self-abuse, been there, not worth it.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#140280 - 02/04/07 09:42 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: AshSurvived]
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
Hauser - serious question. Hindsight is always 20/20, but at the time did you do or say anything that would've tipped your parents off that something was wrong? We all know that when a kid is abused, there are signs - sometimes; but we can't assume this is something parents should "just know" is happening. After my abuse, my father got into my business so much over my worsening grades and everything else in my life it was incredibly aggrevating - but I never once let it slip. He did everything right, it didn't matter. He still doesn't know.

I'm not so sure about your brother, either. You said he was 12. Despite what 12-year-olds themselves may think, they're STILL little kids. I believe he couldn't fairly be expected to know how to deal with learning his brother was molested any better than you could be expected to know how to deal with actually being molested. How is a child, any child, supposed to process something like that? He was a "big brother", and supposed to be protective and supportive in your eyes at that time - but, he was still a child.

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#140281 - 02/04/07 09:50 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: melliferal]
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
My parents knew there was "something wrong," and they suspected abuse, but I never said anything about it so they didn't know what to do. This was in the 80's when there were no resources to help parents figure out if their kids were assaulted.

They weren't the greatest parents and I have my issues with them, but I don't blame them for my abuse. My parents are good people and I know that they would never willingly put me in an abusive situation. They were as betrayed by my perp (he was a close family friend) as I was.

That said, they have not played a significant role in my recovery. This is because I have needed to distance myself from them in order to get my head straight on their role. It took a long time to do that, but I think that I am better for it by taking the time away from them.

Hauser, I think Ash is right. A therapist can help you with the issues you have with your folks. I know that without help, I would probably still hate my parents.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#140283 - 02/04/07 10:02 AM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: melliferal]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Hauser,

I’m not going to get into where any blame lies and whether you should or shouldn’t feel the anger you do. That horse has already bolted. You do feel that anger and to deny that at this stage is a mute point. To keep it in and not release it is not healthy.

As has been suggested, you may decide to discuss this with a therapist – your choice. You may also decide to go with your plan and confront you brother and tell him exactly how you feel, how you’ve felt all these years and how it’s affected you – again, you choice. Can I suggest a stop-gap measure in-between your direct confrontation? Try writing a letter saying exactly what you intend to say to your brother; word for word. Let it all out. Rehearse it. Make sure you don’t miss anything out.

Think of it this way, if and when you do confront him, you don’t want to forget anything in the heat of the moment do you? Think of this as the dress rehearsal.

You may just find that in writing the letter it could be the release you need and the actual confrontation may not be needed after all. If you still feel it’s needed, well it’s your life and your choice, but Hauser once you confront your brother and say what you say, whatever happens as a result of that can’t be reversed. You can’t undo that. This approach at least gives you a bit a breathing space and a little more time out.


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#140305 - 02/04/07 03:34 PM Re: Disclosing more: [Re: Grunty1967b]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Thank you guys. I've decided not to do anything major until I've had a few sessions with my T.


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