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#13748 - 11/25/01 02:41 AM To broke for mercy, about to crack
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I noticed something recently. Healing comes with a price tag. Every book on surving abuse comes with a price tag, my therapist, no matter how kind, needs a 20 dollar copay and insurance, and a man with no skills, no job, and no means to support himself is just shit out of luck.

What the fuck am i supposed to do? I have no place to go right now. My mother is in an abusive relationship and i take the brunt of her boyfriends verbal abuse. I'm so depressed and out of my fucking head right now im almost ready to commit myself.
(And we all know how safe you are from abuse and molestation in government institutions)

I'm afraid that my mother may have abused me, that or im having some sort of breakdown, or extreme transferance, or something even worse. I'm 20 years old and she cooks my meals, pays for my rent, buys my clothes, and pays for my doctors bills. I've thought about running away, even before i suspected anything. Her boyfreinds treat me like shit and are always jealous of me. I am waiting on the government for Supplemental Sucurity Income, but i don't know how much longer i can wait before i flip. If they refuse me, i'm screwed, because i can't wait another 4 months for an appeal.

I have been sleeping days for a couple of weeks. Everybody thinks I'm going through more of the same crap but i've never felt this scared that something is going to give inside me. I have no where to go because my entire family is screwed up, and if i was abused further i don't know who could have been involved. I feel like i can't trust anbody. I tryed to tell my friends but i can't stop pretending like im in control.

I'm serious when i say my entire family. My Dads in prison, my mom was flipped out on herione when my memories are all shot to hell, i lived with my uncle for 6 months when i was waiting for my mom to get out of jail, my grandmother has a nervous disorder and everytime i go to her house i flip out and start reliving my trauma, so i wonder if she knows something. My younger half-brother is the one who abused me, and I confronted him about his abuse of me, even though i'm flipping right now, i thought i had resolved my conflict with him. I still do. My older half brother could have been involved in abuse, and i don't really know anybody else well enough to ask them if i could stay with them.

Where can i go? I feel like i need to get out, like NOW, but i don't have anywhere to go! I thought about a commune, but i dont know anything about that, i allready asked my friends, but they live with thier parents. I'm geniunly pissed, because i honestely thought i was getting better, but mostly im just scared. How can you take control of a life that was never really yours to begin with? Ive just been getting drunk and anchored myself, praying to whatever forces there be that i make it long enough to get the hell out of here. I dont know what to say to end this, but ill probably be checking the forum every night until i can dig myself out of this.


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#13749 - 11/25/01 02:45 PM Re: To broke for mercy, about to crack
impishwit Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/09/01
Posts: 13
Broken,
I feel your pain man. I too am trying to figure out what the fuck happened to me and feel bloody awful. A few days ago I was just going to end it all because I am scared shitless of anything and everything. I can't function, yet something keeps me here. Here, with my demented fantasies. Here, with my "afflictions." Here, facing the true nightmare.
Keep going if you can. Maybe we can be of some support to eachother since we seem to be in relatively the same boat, and we're around the same age.
I'm just going to try to focus on whatever it is that keeps me here fighting these bastard demons.
My friend gave me a great piece of advice the other day: "If you don't stay to see how the story ends, how will you ever be able to tell it and make your voice heard? Don't let the abuser win. Don't let him/her silence you yet again."
Somehow that made some sense to me. Maybe I'm just strange, but it worked for me.
I hope that I have been of some help.

Imp


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#13750 - 11/25/01 04:49 PM Re: To broke for mercy, about to crack
Mark C Offline
Member

Registered: 03/21/01
Posts: 39
Loc: New Jersey, USA
Broken...Please hang in there. I can say things like "it will get better" but I know when things seem this bad words such as these don't always help. I can attest to the fact that I once felt as you do now and I have healed. Please know there are many people here who have felt or are feeling as you are now. Many are here not just to heal but also SUPPORT YOU in this struggle, and the same goes for you impishwit. I agree very much with Impishwit's friend. Don't ever let your abuser silence you...he/she has already done that for too long. You are here and finding your voice once again! Just know that we support you in these very painful times.

BROKEN....Someone e-mailed me who lives in your area. This gentlemen asked me to inform you that you can recieve no cost counseling from the Chapman University Community Clinic. He states this is located in Orange California, just 5 minutes away. He himself has sought services here. This is their website: http://www.chapman.edu/wilkinson/psych/cc.htm

I hope this helps...HANG IN THERE \:\)


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#13751 - 12/06/01 03:58 PM Re: To broke for mercy, about to crack
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
Broken,
I was looking at California Victims of Crime compensation system today (at http://www.boc.ca.gov/Victims.htm ) and noticed that a California Resident can get pay for a whole aray of services and that you might be able to use this as a source of funding.

What struck me is the provision that if the crime was committed against a child, he/she can make a claim until they are 19 BUT there is a provision extending it to age 21 for good cause. It reads:
"The application for a minor victim (under 18 years of age at the time of the crime) must be filed with the VOC Program before the minor's 19th birthday. The Board may, for "good cause," grant an extension to file an application up to the minor's 21st birthday."
With all the crap you have been going through, you may have a good case for extending the time to apply.

Here are the typs of services they can help with:
"The VOC Program can reimburse the following expenses if they are incurred as a direct result of a crime as long as there are no other sources of reimbursement available.

Medical/Dental
Mental Health Counseling
Lost Wage/Income
Lost Support to Eligible Family Members
Domestic Violence Moving and Relocation
Funeral/Burial
Job Retraining "

Check out the site. It has forms and instructions. If you run into difficulty, contact me and I will give you a hand, at: thadd@onemain.com

Hope it helps.......thad

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#13752 - 12/06/01 09:34 PM Re: To broke for mercy, about to crack
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Broken,

i wish i had something concrete to hand to you, i wish i had some magic answer for you, your life at 20 reminds me a lot of my life from 15 to 18, i was on my own and a mess, i managed to hold it together though and i did get better, life is not so bad now.

Be as kind as you can to yourself, do what you can to help yourself feel better about things and dont worry what other people say, screw them and their opinions, you gotta do whatever you gotta do so you feel better and thats most important, it sounds like your in survival mode right now, and surviving is the goal, you can make it. Keep breathing and do what you gotta do.

How can we help? your on our team now, your not alone anymore, ok?

keep talking, k?

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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