Does it really matter to know all the details of your abuse or is it enough to know that you where absued and leave it at that?
I've been thinking about it since I posted. I have a hunch that part of me really, really wants to know what I did
. I keep thinking of the line from Linkin Park, "I can't separate myself from what I've done."
I'll bet you're right though, and I'm going to be sorry again, if I do manage to recall the whole night. I go for days without trying, then find myself a quiet spot, close my eyes, and start thinking back. Until I snap my eyes open, gasping and sweaty. Till next time.
Joe this reminds me of something I read recently in "The Body Bears the Burden," about how we subconsciously retraumatize ourselves in an attempt to reenact the trauma and complete the freeze response we got stuck in when it happened becuz we were never able to fight back or flee.
That's a reasonable explanation of why I keep going back to something that
1) I know I shouldn't be trying to do, and
2) Makes me feel very bad.
Not sure this post is going to make much sense when I include "a reasonable explanation" for my unreasonable behavior!
But I do recall a sort of "freezing" when it started that night. That's right about where the first wall shows up, 'cause I don't remember the next, I don't know, block of time. Hours maybe. I don't want to get too graphic about what I do remember because I'm still not very good about handling what I do remember.
So why do I keep trying to remember more!?
knowing that the rest of the symtoms started to get better, basically not to get too stressed out.
I'm wary of going to the doctor because I can't imagine telling him what I'm doing and why. My wife used to joke about the stack the doctor had on me in the 10 years I've been seeing him. My folder would just about fill half a filing cabinet drawer. I always hold off calling until I cannot endure whatever any longer. Then it usually turns out there is something wrong.
But I do think this is specifically related to my attempts to remember, or to the occasions when I remember without trying. If I notice it happening other times, I'll probably eventually get checked out.
At any rate, what I am trying to say is that your memories will come back when you can deal with them. I am sorry I took such a long route to say it but I find it helps when someone can relate an anticdote or personal experience to a situation.
I should know that the memories will come when I'm ready. In fact, I do
know that, in my head. But I sometimes can't stop myself from trying to remember more. I sit and concentrate, trying to remember as many details as possible from the parts I do recall, trying to remember more.
And I agree with you that the personal story makes it easier to get a point across. I'm grateful to you for it.
Now I just need to convince myself to do what I know is best and I can stop worrying about how my body reacts when I push my mind back where it doesn't seem to want to go.
Talk about not trusting my own body; I don't trust my mind to "protect" me. Or something like that, I think. I do find myself doubting every thought and impulse, wondering if it's "mine" or if it's an aftershock of the SA. I'm going to have to post the lyrics from the Who's "905" one of these nights.
I'm deep into rambling mode now, so I better post, and move on.