Newest Members
R Ellis, SailingAway, Kitty6, Johnnygolightly, Stormchaser
12318 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
iwishicared (41), Scott Oliver (53), TutDaVinci (32)
Who's Online
5 registered (Ocellaris, 96789594, 3 invisible), 17 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12318 Members
74 Forums
63369 Topics
443117 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#13702 - 05/01/03 09:45 PM Fighting to remember
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Guys,

I know I'm not supposed to try to force memories. (So why don't I stop doing it? Damned if I know.) But I do try to remember, particularly the first night at the perp's apartment. I get so far and run up against a wall. Then the memories pick up again later that night, then another wall. I remember the morning after, and the shower, then another wall. Finally I remember "seeing myself" walking down the stairs in the morning.

Sometimes I do try to get through the walls. When I make that effort, I react physically. I feel worn out, and I get the strange sensation that the back half of my head and skull are missing. Don't know any other way to describe that sensation. I get dizzy, or nauseous.

I know I can avoid going through that most of the time. I just have to avoid deliberately trying to remember. There are other times when I can't avoid pretty much the same set of reactions, but I know when I'm actually trying to remember. I think part of me wants to induce the reaction, and that's why I keep doing it.

Any of this sound familiar?

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#13703 - 05/01/03 11:08 PM Re: Fighting to remember
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Joe I understand why you are trying to force your mind to remember. I too did this for about a week. I tried very hard to force my body and mind to remember. I stayed up all night would work too hard in hopes of making my self break down the walls that my mind has/had built up to protect me. I did get some flash backs and did remember more of the abuse.

I needed to know what happen to me who abused me when they abused me. I cannot recall my childhood at all and I wanted to force my self to remember my lost childhood. The only advice I can give you Joe is that becareful what you wish for. Does it really matter to know all the details of your abuse or is it enough to know that you where absued and leave it at that? I have asked my self this question and my answer is NO, what is your answer?


Take care of your self Joe lots of love, Nathan


Top
#13704 - 05/02/03 12:30 AM Re: Fighting to remember
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Joe,

Yes it does, right down to the apartments where my mother & others incested me, and where the gay couple she sold me to raped me.

Most of my pain & physical problems are in my spinal column from lower back & up especially to the shoulders, neck & head. Also my digestive system. Including vertigo.

Quote:
I think part of me wants to induce the reaction, and that's why I keep doing it.
Joe this reminds me of something I read recently in "The Body Bears the Burden," about how we subconsciously retraumatize ourselves in an attempt to reenact the trauma and complete the freeze response we got stuck in when it happened becuz we were never able to fight back or flee.

Certainly this is true to my own experience.

As Nathan says we must be careful what we try to induce. Yet for me I need to discharge my frozen freeze response, tho hopefully in healthier ways than reenacting or acting out the trauma. That's part of what therapy is about.

Take care Joe.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

Top
#13705 - 05/02/03 07:46 AM Re: Fighting to remember
Logan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1205
Loc: NY
for what little i can contribute-i think i kno exactly what u mean. last year, i all of a sudden got really sick: dizzyness, feeling flushed(no fever, tho it felt like it), lymph nodes all over my body especialy my joints, vertigo(i would turn my head and it would take a sec for my vision to catch up), and the strangest feeling that i was detached from everything, like my eyes were recessed in my scull and a firework or gun when off near my head. and would periodicly got severe headache(it felt the back of my head was undepressure) probly from tension or at least it played some role. they would start at the back of my head and make it feel like my neck was frozen. it was hard to turn my head and i thought that it was meningitis.
so i went to the ER and they did a CT scan but they didnt find any thing wrong so they gave me a shot of a muscule relaxant and that made feel better so i went home. but in a couple of hours it came back. to make a long story short, i saw so many doctors and specialists but no body found anything. they all thought it was a hypocondriatic reaction and it was all psycosomatic. they just classified it a CFS cause they couldnt find anything. finnally i saw a doc who specializes in toughes cases and he tried a bunch of dif. meds. no luck. finaly he said screw it and put me on Biaxin, an antibiotic, and after the first dose it felt like i was coming out of a trance and i began to cry. it had been 5and1/2 months that i had began dealing with this shit(the physical symtoms) and it was starting to go away.
i also began to trust this doc more than other people durring the time i met with and saw him and told him some stuff that i witnessed at disciplinary boot camp(nothing about my and he said that even though there are prominant physical symtoms still and it felt like it was all physical, the psycological stuff was paying a big part. so he recomended a T. I still work with the same T today. turns out that my when i told him about some sa stuff and i blamed all my problems on the headache saying that 'if it would just go away, i could get back to my life. he said he noticed a pattern in my behavior that when i started to get tense or began to discuss stuff that bothered me i would grab the back of my neck --he was right, it did play a role. knowing that the rest of the symtoms started to get better, basically not to get too stressed out.

anyway, you might have an infection so get checked out. the biaxin helped alot.
sory, hope i helped.
take care, brother wolf
-Logan

_________________________
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

Top
#13706 - 05/02/03 08:23 AM Re: Fighting to remember
Sick Puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 03/30/03
Posts: 300
Loc: Nowhere Land
For the longest time I had a big block out of my memory, from about ages 10 to 14. There had been times when I didn't entirely remember my childhood abuse but the memories had always been there in some form, even when pushed back, but the block of life from 10-14 was completely and fully missing from my conscious memory. I had a couple dreams or vague memories here and there, but they could be interpreted several ways, and left plenty up to the imagination. All I knew was that I had been living with my mom and stepfather at this time in my life. (Someone said that I had briefly gone to Juvy but I can't verify this.) I tried many times to recover the experiences that occured during those years but nothing really worked.

Last summer my stepfather died, driving drunk. I felt relieved and somewhat happy (I know... that's horrible) but I couldn't say why. I had always disliked him although I'd thought of him as being rather cold and uninteresting but not a particularly bad man. Before he died I'd had a couple strange dreams/memories in which he was abusing me but I felt that they were just a manifestation of my previous abuse and more imaginary than real.

I was relatively unaffected when I learned of his death but slowly the fog over ages 10-14 started to clear (although it's never cleared entirely) and I remembered many seperate incidents in which my stepfather and mother had abused me. I could verify some of these by talking with my mother, but others I have to only assume are real because of the clarity in which I remember them. I suppose I will never know for sure how many of these memories are the real thing and how many my mind fabricated because of the previous abuse.

What I know is that my stepdad lured me into the basement one day and raped me and used me as his toy after that, mainly when he was drunk, which was mainly at night. If it was in the daytime he would take me to the basement. I can remember being tied up there although I feel that was a waste of rope because I wouldn't have tried to escape. I was plenty used to that sort of thing by then; it wouldn't have occured to me to try and get away.

I am not sure if my mother was ever consciously aware of this abuse although she must have had an inkling. She used my highly sexualized position to facilitate sex between me and her. We all three of us (me, my mother, and my stepfather) never did anything sexual as a group though I feel this may have been her ultimate goal. Fortunately circumstances intervened and I was taken away from there.

The memory loss of that period might be contributed to the fact that I got heavily into drugs shortly afterward, as well as the onset of mental illness. However, the fact that I started to remember again after my stepfather died implies that it was at least to some extent a form of "protection." I suppose that after he died my brain decided the threat was gone and that I could try to deal with the memories. I admit that the experiences I had with my stepfather probably did not traumatize me to such a great degree because I was already so used to being treated in that manner, although it did help further my distrust of those who were supposed to protect me. I am not sure why my experiences in prison re-traumatized me so much when my experiences with my stepfather did not. Perhaps it was the break of time-- between my stepfather and prison there were several years in which I was not abused (although I did sell myself.) Before that, my abuse had been nearly constant.

At any rate, what I am trying to say is that your memories will come back when you can deal with them. I am sorry I took such a long route to say it but I find it helps when someone can relate an anticdote or personal experience to a situation. \:\)

_________________________
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see


Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea

Top
#13707 - 05/02/03 04:00 PM Re: Fighting to remember
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
Does it really matter to know all the details of your abuse or is it enough to know that you where absued and leave it at that?
Nathan,

I've been thinking about it since I posted. I have a hunch that part of me really, really wants to know what I did. I keep thinking of the line from Linkin Park, "I can't separate myself from what I've done."

I'll bet you're right though, and I'm going to be sorry again, if I do manage to recall the whole night. I go for days without trying, then find myself a quiet spot, close my eyes, and start thinking back. Until I snap my eyes open, gasping and sweaty. Till next time.


Quote:
Joe this reminds me of something I read recently in "The Body Bears the Burden," about how we subconsciously retraumatize ourselves in an attempt to reenact the trauma and complete the freeze response we got stuck in when it happened becuz we were never able to fight back or flee.
Victor,

That's a reasonable explanation of why I keep going back to something that

1) I know I shouldn't be trying to do, and
2) Makes me feel very bad.

Not sure this post is going to make much sense when I include "a reasonable explanation" for my unreasonable behavior!

But I do recall a sort of "freezing" when it started that night. That's right about where the first wall shows up, 'cause I don't remember the next, I don't know, block of time. Hours maybe. I don't want to get too graphic about what I do remember because I'm still not very good about handling what I do remember.

So why do I keep trying to remember more!?


Quote:
knowing that the rest of the symtoms started to get better, basically not to get too stressed out.
Logan,

I'm wary of going to the doctor because I can't imagine telling him what I'm doing and why. My wife used to joke about the stack the doctor had on me in the 10 years I've been seeing him. My folder would just about fill half a filing cabinet drawer. I always hold off calling until I cannot endure whatever any longer. Then it usually turns out there is something wrong.

But I do think this is specifically related to my attempts to remember, or to the occasions when I remember without trying. If I notice it happening other times, I'll probably eventually get checked out.


Quote:
At any rate, what I am trying to say is that your memories will come back when you can deal with them. I am sorry I took such a long route to say it but I find it helps when someone can relate an anticdote or personal experience to a situation. \:\)
Josh,

I should know that the memories will come when I'm ready. In fact, I do know that, in my head. But I sometimes can't stop myself from trying to remember more. I sit and concentrate, trying to remember as many details as possible from the parts I do recall, trying to remember more.

And I agree with you that the personal story makes it easier to get a point across. I'm grateful to you for it.

Now I just need to convince myself to do what I know is best and I can stop worrying about how my body reacts when I push my mind back where it doesn't seem to want to go.

Talk about not trusting my own body; I don't trust my mind to "protect" me. Or something like that, I think. I do find myself doubting every thought and impulse, wondering if it's "mine" or if it's an aftershock of the SA. I'm going to have to post the lyrics from the Who's "905" one of these nights.

I'm deep into rambling mode now, so I better post, and move on.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

Top
#13708 - 05/18/03 05:15 PM Re: Fighting to remember
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY


_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.