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#1333 - 07/30/06 01:40 AM Re: i want to want something
Itsback Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/06
Posts: 112
Loc: New Mexico
Ok I had to post on this one as I saw it as I was looking to PM someone-

My outlook is a little more direct then many others as I see Many Many more positive things in life.


I look at it like this-


If your happy and warm in that pile of shit your living in so be it, If your not. Climb out, wash off and do something about it.


Ya my outlook is more direct and scares alot of people but I was scared for so long I refused to be scared anymore so I let others be scared for me.


Fight the good fight


Pete

_________________________
I truely believe the pain made me stronger now I want to let the healing make me softer- Never Stop-Never-Quit-Always Care

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#1334 - 07/30/06 04:21 AM Re: i want to want something
caointeoir Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/06
Posts: 37
pete - i'm warm, however i'm not happy in this pile of shit. climbing out sounds easy, and i'm sure it's not as hard as i'm imagining. i will be able to do it one day. that is not today.

i like your outlook, and i like direct. but you don't scare me. try harder. ;\)


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#1335 - 07/30/06 05:29 AM Re: i want to want something
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
caointeoir,

Reading through your first post I thought of two points that might help you gain a sense of perspective.

The first is that there just isn't any mileage in dwelling on the past: what has been lost or how many years. We do need to come to terms with our loss and grieve for it even. But at some point we have to move on, for the simple reason that the past is the past and we cannot change it. When we are concentrating on the past we are planting our flag in a place where we are totally disempowered.

My other point has to do with a very powerful and vivid statement of yours that's clearly central to where you are right now:

Quote:
there were things i wanted to do. and i would like to still want to do those things. but i don't want to. the only thing i want these days is to want something again. i don't even want the things i enjoy anymore.
That's the abused boy talking, and he needs to be heard. He's saying that expressing or even acknowledging passions, feelings and emotions is a losing proposition for him. Wanting, seeking and trying just lead to failure and rejection and prove how alone and worthless he is. If he asks why, the answer seems to be that this was all he deserved. So the solution he found, as a devastated kid, was just not to feel or want anything at all. The emptiness doesn't seem to bad if you can convince yourself it doesn't matter.

As an adult you can see how terrible all this feels and how great it would be if things could be different, but that would mean taking risks and trying to trust again, and, well, how did that work out in the past?

I guess there are several things the kid needs to hear, and believe somehow. The first is that it is never too late to recover and heal, and no harm is so great that it cannot be overcome. He isn't a hopeless case.

The other is that all of the bad ideas and feelings he has about himself and about the possibilities for his future are false. These feelings are real, in the sense that they DO reflect how he thinks, but they are false in the sense that they are wrong ideas about himself that were imposed on him by abuse.

Therapy is the way forward, as you yourself say. And the reason for that is that a good T will help you to understand how abuse emotionally devastates a child and continues to affect how he thinks and acts even later, in adulthood.

There is something else you can do, and that is to talk. When we do that we empower ourselves. We reject the silence and claim the right to shape our own futures and heal. And when we talk about our issues we discover that we are not alone, and that the feelings we have about ourselves can be examined, explained and turned from problems that harm us into tools for recovery.

Your question will be this: So how do I learn to want things again? For me the answer is that this is a trust issue. You already "want" things, but the risk of reaching out for them seems too great, the consequences of failure too terrible. But this feeling of "Mission Impossible" is just a feeling, that's all. If you can begin to trust yourself a bit, you will see that.

I think it's important to proceed slowly, and that's why having a good T is crucial. But look at it this way. Every great swimmer began one day with that fearful feeling of what will happen to him when he picks up his feet and tries to float.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#1336 - 07/30/06 05:31 AM Re: i want to want something
ARW Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/29/02
Posts: 161
Loc: LA
I see it like this: SA is an injury, no different than a massive physical one. You can't run on a broken leg. Nor do you want to. Having suffered from a very similar malaise that cost me a great deal (and believe me I WANTED out of the shit, desperately), I can tell you that a good place to start is to use your strengths, no different than you would to get mobile if your legs were broken - say strong arms or a powerful will or whatever you posessed. Your graphic design background is both a passion and an asset. Do something with it. And if you find that you're not ready for that step, take one back and dive into deeper therapy that strengthens you, via someone else's strength. The point is, take whatever steps you can to move, however small. But take the steps and I swear you'll begin to make progress. First small, and more quickly than you can imagine, real sweeping progress.

love al.

_________________________
In every cry of every man,
In every Infant's cry of fear,
In every voice, in every ban,
The mind-forged manacles I hear.
-William Blake

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#1337 - 07/30/06 02:31 PM Re: i want to want something
Itsback Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/06
Posts: 112
Loc: New Mexico
caointeoir,

Your reply brought a true smile to my face. Thats right STAND UP and find that inner strength I can see it in your reply,

You my friend are one of the stronger ones and with time and an ocassional boot to the butt, will be just fine cause you WANT IT and NEED IT.

Find that Light/Zen if found that to be of great help


P.S. I dont scare anyone I am a pussy cat, Ok I dont scare kids other then them I am a pussy cat \:\)


Fight the good fight

_________________________
I truely believe the pain made me stronger now I want to let the healing make me softer- Never Stop-Never-Quit-Always Care

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#1338 - 07/30/06 09:02 PM Re: i want to want something
caointeoir Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/06
Posts: 37
pete - your reply made me feel good. both about being called strong and about bringing a smile to your face. thank you.

larry - a lot of what you said makes sense to me. but then you say it's the abused boy talking. however i wasn't abused as a kid. at least not sexually. so i am the only one to blame for how i failed. there is no excuse (not that csa is an excuse, i know well it is not, this is just the only word i can at least halfway relate to my own past) - there is no excuse, no explanation that i could bring forth why i got into drugs and why i didn't get out for all these years. it's just my failing. i never understood how it happened, it just was something i did. to feel, or to not feel anymore.

it led to the rape, and while i know this experience shaped me like hardly any other thing, my depressions go back to before i was raped. this doesn't really belong to the abuse i was subjected to - i'll say it anyway. i have a long history of eating disorders and depressions (i'm bipolar) and i have anxiety disorders. so this led me to drugs and they led me to being raped. so i got out of the drugs, for good i hope, and i am starting to think i can get over the rape, given time. but i have no idea how to deal with the disorders that led me there, i just don't know the reason and i don't understand it. and long as i haven't dealt with that, how can i be sure i'll not go back to hiding behind a secure wall of morphine? and you know, this is frightening. because i don't want to go back, because i know i'll not survive it. i don't want to go back.


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#1339 - 07/30/06 11:19 PM Re: i want to want something
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
caointeoir,

I take your point, but it doesn't really change what I am saying to you except perhaps in matters of chronology.

Drugs are a cruel master and so many of us (myself included) know where that can take us. But no one wrecks himself on drugs for no reason; getting high is a coping mechanism for escaping, however fleetingly, from other problems we just can't face, in your case anxiety issues.

But drug issues also give us a highly destructive and misleading way for taking the blame for a whole array of things that were not our fault at all. You believe you were raped because you were high, it seems. That's not true. You were raped because some predator saw an opportunity to move in on a vulnerable person with a drug problem. The rape was a crime, HIS crime.

Vulnerable is one thing, bro, responsible is something else entirely.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#1340 - 07/31/06 04:32 AM Re: i want to want something
Itsback Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/06
Posts: 112
Loc: New Mexico
Caointeoir,

The ugly truth is " NO " you will never be able to totally forget what has happened. Sorry but even I am aware of that one, but there is good news.

IT DOES NOT HAVE TO RUN YOUR LIFE.

That is the "FACTS" yes there will be momments hell life is full of MOMMENTS, but thats is why it is called LIFE.

My personel pace and outlook is pretty intense. But then again I prepared myself as much as I possibly could to get to this point I am at now. I do see my self utilizing a therapist for sometime to come.

For answers, questions and the fun I can have mind screwing each other with what ifs and what nots. Told you I wasnt totally all there, but who is, and who is to say what "ALL THERE" means.

But do not let that scare you, the fact is LIFE is a beautiful thing and to be able to enjoy it as much as you possibly can sets that part of you free.


LIFE IS GOOD and to live it is even better


Fight the good fight

_________________________
I truely believe the pain made me stronger now I want to let the healing make me softer- Never Stop-Never-Quit-Always Care

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#1341 - 07/31/06 04:54 AM Re: i want to want something
caointeoir Offline
Member

Registered: 05/26/06
Posts: 37
i never said i wanted to forget. i don't want to forget anything of that. this was given to me, not good things as well as good, and it happened for a reason.

i want to remember that always. i acknowledge the pain and i see the good side of it. grow and learn. overcome. i am doing that.

what is freaking me out right now is that i'm not getting out of the depressed part of my manic-depressed state. that i am oblivious. not to everything, but at least everything concerning my career, which unfortunately merges into everyday life rather quickly.


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#1342 - 07/31/06 05:29 AM Re: i want to want something
Itsback Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/06
Posts: 112
Loc: New Mexico
Caointeoir,

All I can sugest is what has worked for me. I found something that makes me feel as I can to no wrong as long as I do them no wrong, They are my LIGHT/Zen my yang to my ying. They are my family, and knowing that I need to be all the Father, Husband and friend that I can be for them pulls me from the dark dismal hole.

It works for me knowing that the want to fufil the promises I made to my wife when I married her and to my children when they were born. Mind you I have been married 3 times I just got tired of self destructing and using the excuse of my SA as it was not fair to a woman who has shown nothing but unconditional love towards me and a bunch of kids (5) who have done the same.

All I can do is sugest you find that light the thing that fulfils you most A POSITIVE fulfilment. and use that as a building block to help you conquer what can be conquered, and dont loet others beat you down because they are afraid to seek the light themselves.

Life is meant to be lived not hidden from. Grab it its there you just have to want it bad enough

Fight the good fight

_________________________
I truely believe the pain made me stronger now I want to let the healing make me softer- Never Stop-Never-Quit-Always Care

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