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#13332 - 10/18/02 12:01 PM new therapist?????
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
Today my therapist advised me that he has accepted another position and will no longer be able to be my therapist....How do i begin this process over after a year and a half of work???? Is it worth beginning again????? Will things ever make me feel like a real person????? Will i ever have a life?????? How do i discuss all those heart/gut wrenching personal thoughts with somebody else????? Maybe giving up is my only answer........michael


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#13333 - 10/18/02 12:20 PM Re: new therapist?????
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
Dear michaelb,

This is shitty news, especially if you've been making process with the therapist. Can you continue to see him/her at their new location? Can s/he make a referral to someone s/he respects? Whatever, it is a loss; it's normal to feel down about it. However, don't despair. A door closed, another will open. Take stock of where you are, what you've accomplished, what you still want to achieve. Since you're near a large city, there should be other qualified therapists to see. When you're ready, I suggest calling around and actually interviewing potential therapists asking them about their experience working with male survivors. I think there's an article on the NOMSV site by Ken Singer addressing this topic, i.e. guidelines for selecting a therapist. I used it, and it was very helpful. I felt empowered to find the kind of help I want rather than depositing myself at the feet of someone and saying,"fix me, I don't know what's wrong with me." You've obviously done some interior work, so you're not starting all over. It's not really necessary to retell the whole gut-wrenching story. You make an assessment of where you are, along with the new therapist, and move on from there. Don't traumatize yourself over this. It'll be alright.

Best Regards,

James


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#13334 - 10/18/02 03:13 PM Re: new therapist?????
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
I have had to change therapists a couple of times for one reason or another, and it was difficult but not as bad as I thought it would be. It was hard because I liked the therapist and the work we were doing together. I was afraid the new one would not be any good and I did not want to spend a lot of time revisiting my whole story. What I learned was that a new therapist will bring a new perspective to the situation and I found that very helpful. It took a little while to develop trust with the new therapist, though not as long as it did with the very first one I saw. I was relieved to discover that I did not have to go over the whole thing from beginning to end to bring the new guy up to speed. A brief synopsis was all that was needed, and we were underway making new progress. The first time I changed therapists I ended up with a clunker but did not know it (I was not yet a self-advocate) and I wasted some time there. After I moved from there, trusting my intuition more, I found a new one who really helped a lot, actually better than the first one ever. So this might actually turn out to be a good thing, nothing more than a temporary setback leading to new discoveries. I hope so. Good luck.


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#13335 - 10/18/02 08:49 PM Re: new therapist?????
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
My therapist has actually set me up with his supervisor in his current office...He is going to work for a county agency, so he will see only people in that county...He just completed his doctorate and certification and will be spending most of his time supervising other therapists, so my seeing him is not an option...It is good to hear that starting over with a new therapist does not entail reliving every gorey thought/memory...that is reassuring....but the trust issue is overwhelming for me.....i trusted my previous therapist as much as i possibly could, but my problem is that i cannot even trust myself, how can i possibly trust anybody else???? i do not trust my thoughts/memories etc......How can i trust another person?????.....maybe i'll meet with the guy in a couple of weeks to see if i can see him.....my problem is that the abuse issue has totally isolated me from my family and what few friends i had....my therapist was my anchor and now i'm loosing that anchor only to be set adrift again....in the past i held out hope of love from my family if only i was better....now i know i will never have that love from my family and probably nobody else either, so i have to ask myself, why continue????? seeing no hope, why keep trying therapy??????? michael


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#13336 - 10/19/02 04:34 PM Re: new therapist?????
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
Michael,
You are doing better than you give yourself credit for. You have opened up to us(you trust us to do that). I hope that you can feel the love that we have for you. You are not alone. It will get better.
Devon

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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#13337 - 10/19/02 07:01 PM Re: new therapist?????
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Dear Michael,

I am so sorry you are feeling so scared and alone right now. That can be very overwhelming and it is hard to think clearly when you are feeling that way. Believe me, I know. Been there, done that. And survived! As you will, too. I have spent weeks in dark scary places in my mind. By working hard and holding on to hope, I actually laugh these days and find myself surrounded by a few people who love me for who I am, not who they want or expect me to be. You will, too.

Let me remind you that you learned to trust your current therapist, so it is not true that you cannot trust anyone else. If you trusted your therapist, you will learn to trust another. Learning to trust a new one will help a lot in becoming able to do that more and more, with yourself and others. Even though we on this site do not exist in the flesh for you, we are nonetheless real people who actually do care about you and what happens to you.

I understand what you are experiencing with your family. I went through something very similar myself and it has taken several years to deal with. After I was raped in '95, I started looking at life and my family as it and they really are and started asking questions. That didn't go over so well because I stepped out of my role and upset the status quo. Eventually I was rejected to varying degrees by everyone in my family. Previously, we had been what I thought was very close. I came to realize that that was an illusion I had bought into. However, at the time and for several years afterward I felt like my whole family had been killed in a plane crash, the feeling of loss and aloneness was that profound. In the last year or so, things have gotten slightly better with my family and I have managed to develop friendships with a few people who have become my new family. I still get scared and feel alone sometimes, but I also have learned that every relationship is temporary adn that loss is part of life. You sound like a reasonable and likeable person. There is no rational reason to think that you will never have anyone in your life who cares about you. Now is the time to start developing a support system for the first time in your life. It will take time and involves taking some risks, and it is well worth the effort. Abundance awaits.

You are in my thoughts.

Roy


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#13338 - 10/19/02 07:40 PM Re: new therapist?????
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Michael
You've learnt to trust, you trusted your old therapist and I know you trust the guys here, so I don't think learning to trust a new therapist will be the big problem you fear.

It's just another challenge, and we've all got over so many just to be here. And that's where we get our strength from, overcoming our fears and conquering the challenges.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#13339 - 10/19/02 09:47 PM Re: new therapist?????
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Michael,
I had a very good therapist that I did a lot of my major healing work with over a two year period. I took another job and so I had to move away from her. At the time, I was so scared that I wouldn't make it. She did allow me to call her a couple of times after I moved and we had some phone counseling sessions. I still keep in touch with her through email from time to time but you know what, I think it was a step I needed to take. I sat out of therapy after that for a couple of years and then after I lost my mom in January, I went back. I found a very good therapist now and she has helped me to take additional steps that I might not have taken with my former therapist.

Sometimes it can be good although it is scary.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#13340 - 10/19/02 11:43 PM Re: new therapist?????
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Michael,

I know what you are feeling. 6 weeks ago I had my therapist tell me the same thing. Scott and I had really clicked. We were really making some progress. What Scott did was recommend two therapist. They are both in the same clinic where Scott was. He let me talk to both of them briefly after my session one day. The next week Scott and I discussed the situation and my alternatives. One was to take a break from therapy and call the clinic when I felt the need. I told Scott that with all the SHIT that was going on in my life that I felt it best to continue my therapy. I also asked Scott which therapist he thought would continue the treatment plan that Scott and I had started. He told me that while it was my final decision he would recommend Rick. I have been seeing Rick now for 6 weeks. I admit that at first I was nerveous. One thing that helped was that Scott had given Rick the case notes on my case and the treatment plan we had outlined. Rick and I have taken a slightly different approach to therapy but I feel that I am still making progress. I do admitt that sometimes it is frustrating when I have to go back and fill rick in on some of the events that I have already been through with Scott .... but it is good that Rick studdied my case before I even met with him. He is familiar with what happened with all three of my perps. Sometimes he will stop me and ask me to clarify a statement. But, even that isn't all bad ... because when I go back I remember details that I have forgotten. At least for me that has been one of the biggest things. There are events that I have blocked out about this S A. I admitt it has been frightening to remember ..... but in order to heal I need to remember. I am discovering who I am and why I do things.

Back to changing therapist. I know it is scary and you don't really want to. I didn't either. One thing that Scott told me. Try the new therapist for three weeks. If you don't feel that you are "clicking" tell the new therapist. He shouldn't be offended and tell him you just don't feel there is a connection. There are still some things that I am not comfortable talking with Rick about like I did with Scott .... but it takes time to build up the trust you had with your old therapist. Each week WE become more comfortable with each other.

Let me also add that about 7 years ago I was seeing a therapist. I was doing O K with him ... but we really didn't make that much progress. He also got a different job. He reassigned my case to another person in the clinic without even asking me who I would be comfortable seeing. Actually what they did was took this persons case load ... the remaining people in the clinic put the names in a hat .... and they split up this persons cases. They did not even try to get a match between patient and therapist. I saw this new therapist three times and finally told her that I did not like her approach to therapy. She treated me like a little boy ... said she was trying to reach my inner child. It is O K to Shop around .... and find someone that YOU are comfortable with. I think that for it to work you have to like the person and their approach to therapy. I know that personally I find I do best with a therapist that lets me be in control of the therapy session. When the therapist trys to tell Me what I need .... I tend to get turned off. Your therapist can guide you .... but the final decision needs to be yours. Otherwise you are being controlled again .... which is what your perp was doing... The S A was not sexual .... it was control. Your perps. ability to control you.

Good luck finding Mr. or Ms. Right. I know it is tough ... but just because the first person you find isn't right ... don't give up.

Take care,

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#13341 - 10/20/02 11:02 AM Re: new therapist?????
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
I've had four different T's in about 10 years due to moving & once a T's illness. Also 3 pdocs in slightly less time. So I can kinda relate.

The hardest one was going to a T for the 1st time, but switching the 1st time ran a close second; partly becuz it was so abrupt--my 1st T took so ill he had to quit his practice. Only saw this second one a short time before I moved. I saw neither of these first 2 very long.

Once I got a 3rd T I saw him for several years, sometimes regular, sometimes not, thru a couple of moves, till I just got too far away.

But it was a matter of a few months before I got a new T, my current one, whom I've seen for about 3 years.

Each change got easier for me. Michael B, I don't know if this is your 1st change, but either way I know its tough, but if you know you need therapy, you'll find a way to do it, maybe after a little break if you need it. I'm sure you'll find support & courage here too.

The important thing is take care of you.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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