Christmas is coming up and i have worked about 82 hours this week. This is my way of coping. I am so tired of being alone and yet it is the only comfort i know. That and the times that the wounds on my arms reminds me that i still bleed. It's so frustarting and confusing. I have to remind myself that it will be ok. That things will turn out better. That i will be fine. What am i becoming?
I still struggle with cutting. It's getting better but when even the light seems so dark - i get mad at myself. I know its not my fault. But even at christmas i am reminded of all that they have taken from me. I realize that i can't go back. For the moment i long for freedom od existing. No this is not a thread. No i do not consider anything crazy or drastic. I am just so tired of feeling so dead. Recently i wrote a letter to the only other person that i knew were like a father to me - he did not write back. He did not call back and the next time i saw him he talked about everything else - but the letter. Why is it so hard for men to be real - to be honest - to be normal for a while. Well i am out of here. My prayers is that we will all see the light returning to us this christmas. Rejoice - Rejoice...

Liam - It's certainly hard to look up when everything in life seems down. I hear your cry for the host of things taken from you and forever destroyed. I also know that if we keep looking down we will miss whatever it is we passby if we had looked up. Why look up? Because we all have somethings we DO HAVE. I have spent my times in the deep dark pits, the utter darkness [ my abuse and its initial effects ruined 16+ years from 5 years old until it stopped by age 21] which placed me in self-injury (suicide). I had to push myself to look up. I had to force myself to "What I did have rather than what I did not have"! I'm glad I kept the faith and pushed forward because, had I given up, I'd have missed the lives of my children, my grandson, my life's worth in working with kids who are sexually abused. It is thrilling to see them escape the crap/hell we have to endure! There is a life ahead of you where you will find the joy and happiness you can't see nor feel now! I wish I could reach out and pick you up and show you what lies ahead!! Now there is pain, darkness but there is light ahead!!!
My thoughts and prayers go with you!!!

Howard