Newest Members
mossTI, E35, 1975, Lucy, StacyR
12337 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
No Birthdays
Who's Online
1 registered (GT13568), 20 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12337 Members
74 Forums
63422 Topics
443382 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#132745 - 12/13/06 09:06 PM I can't believe this forum
acet18 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/13/06
Posts: 3
Loc: England
hey, I have just registered with this site today and I couldn't believe how many people are going through exactly the same things I am. It was a total shock. This is the first time I have ever felt normal, and that I am not alone.. with my sexuality issues. I really wanted to post a topic saying this because I was so relieved in a way.

I am 18 in a month and when I was younger I moved around a lot, wasn't close to my father.. didn't have any friends.. was very lonely. I used to go onto chat lines talking to older men, I craved the attention desperatly. eventually I met with one man.. and you can guess what happened.. I ended up seeing him every now and again... I hated what we did, but I wanted the attention you could say... It stopped when I was 14. At 15, I was still lonely and craved attention.. I became a prostitue.. thinkin it was the only way I could get close to an adult male.. it stopped after 2 customers.

At the moment my sexuality is extremely confusing. I know I am straight, I have intense crushes on girls.. and I dream of getting married and having kids one day... But I still get little crushes on older men... I ONLY have fantasies of being with a older man.. who has control over me. and does what he wants with me.. I really don't understand.. These fantasy's repulse me. But they still keep coming, and so does the guilt and shame..
I desperatly want a girlfriend... but I'm too scared, everytime I had a chance to have sex with a girl, it was a total disaster and ended up humiliating myself.. I just don't get aroused as I used to before the abuse.. I only get turned on by being controled by an older man..

What I desperatly want to know, is how to stop those fantasy's, and have a healthy sexual relationship with a girl.
And if those fantasies disgust me, why do I keep having them?


Top
#132746 - 12/13/06 09:16 PM Re: I can't believe this forum
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
you touched on a very important aspect, guilt and shame. the atraction isnt evil or anything. you have picked up societal messages that say they are, but in reality we all have thoughts and fantasies about a large range of things. the atraction to older men dominating you is very linked to the abuse, but in itself it isnt wrong. where it causes you problems is that you beat yourself up for having them. you havent made peace with yourself. that will likely take a little outside help, but you have taken a very brave first step coming here like this. it is a start. keep talking and working, and eventually you'll figure it out.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

Top
#132747 - 12/13/06 09:31 PM Re: I can't believe this forum
acet18 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/13/06
Posts: 3
Loc: England
You're right.. I should stop beating myself up about it, in fact I do tell myself that.. One thing that had made myself feel better is that I realized the fantasies are not at all important to me and they mean nothing..
But the problem is is that it keeps me from the thing I want most which is a girlfriend that I'll love and trust, that's when I beat myself up about them.
I've started therapy and it's really helping.

Thank you


Top
#132748 - 12/14/06 01:43 PM Re: I can't believe this forum
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
it is easy to say to yourself, i wont feel bad about this, but you have to feel it inside. that is where therapy comes in. we've all tried just saying it, but until we know it in our heart of hearts, those are only words. like i said, keep talking about how you feel and what you think, eventually you express your pain enough and you begin to change. it isnt easy, and it takes a lot of time to make real changes, but you can if you stick with it, and really want it.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

Top
#132749 - 12/14/06 07:48 PM Re: I can't believe this forum
GuyD2006 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/06/06
Posts: 20
Loc: Louisiana
I know it took alot of courage for you to make this post. I think the more you talk openly about the fantasies the less power they will have over you. I have had to take action...go to SAA meetings...work with other sex addicts...do things for my church. I have to act myself into new thinking. I had lost all of my spirituality. It is now fully restored thanks to the twelve steps of recovery. God is the center of my life. I have to talk with others and keep myself busy. The more good things you do the better you will feel about yourself. You will begin to love yourself again and then others will notice this and see the sunlight of the spirit shinning thru you. I know that what happend to me , will one day help another who is suffering. I have decided to take my misery and make a ministry out of it. That is the only way I can make sense of it. I went thru what I went thru so that one day I can help someone else. Hope this helps. I so glad you made it here. You are so young, you can have a wonderful life. God loves you and so do I.

God Bless,

Guy D.


Top
#132750 - 12/15/06 11:34 AM Re: I can't believe this forum
acet18 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/13/06
Posts: 3
Loc: England
damn, you are absoulutly right! I'm actually a really mean and nasty person. always angry and aggressive.. towards my family and friends... I have become very bitter, and act as if I hate everything, but I realized I actually hate myself.. I HATE myself.

I really do want to be a good person, but I'm afraid people take kindness for weakness, and I'll be taken advantage of again. But I hate myself because of the way I am now..
You're right tho, I need to help people, I want to help other people.. It is the only way I'll make myself feel better and love myself.

Thank you


Top
#132751 - 12/15/06 06:58 PM Re: I can't believe this forum
GuyD2006 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/06/06
Posts: 20
Loc: Louisiana
You can have such a wonderful life. You can help many. Like I said the more you help others, the less you will be conserned about your own issues, the better you will feel about yourself. I had to act myself into better thinking, that means taking action. I joined a survivors group and a sexual addiction group. In these groups I can always find someone to help. Good luck and God Bless.

Guy


Top
#132752 - 12/16/06 10:13 AM Re: I can't believe this forum
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Acet18,

Iím so sorry to hear the damage that these men caused to you, the young boy of only 14. You do know you were taken advantage of and these adults should not have done what they did donít you? I get you to ask yourself that upfront because I know itís whatís probably gone through your mind many times. 14 is an age where you can think perhaps you were not a child any more and you knew better and it was your choice and it was not abuse bla bla bla.

Youíre here and youíve said enough about yourself to prove to any of us (and yourself) that you were harmed by what happened and that it was abuse. I hope you can accept that and from that point work on recovery as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. For myself, I had to deal with similar issues. I was abused from ages 4-11 then again at age 14-15. I separated the 14-15 age incidents in my mind and told myself I was to blame for those. It didnít help my recovery at all and I needed to see these sick men for the abusers they were and for what they did to me. Now I can move on from that point and I am.

Introduction over. Welcome to MS.

I wanted to recap on something you posted earlier
Quote:
I realized the fantasies are not at all important to me and they mean nothing..
But the problem is is that it keeps me from the thing I want most which is a girlfriend
Apart from you actually stating the obvious in that they (these fantasies) are a problem in that they are affecting your ability to have a girlfriend, I want to add that apart from that, they mean lots anyway. As you have started seeing a therapist Iím sure thatís ground you will cover in due time.

Let me clarify what I mean Ė and I can relate to behaviours or things that happen to you that you wish they didnít yet they do and you try to think they mean nothing yet they do.

Itís your mindsí way of trying to cope by putting up a barrier. Itís too much to think about the real trauma of the abuse so youíll think of something related to the abuse and fool yourself that itís you choosing to do this. If you can fool yourself that itís your choice then you can feel like you are in control.

When you were abused you had no control so if you can have a sense of control now that feels better. Even if that very thing brings further pain or grief or makes you feel sick itís still better than being faced with the real truth of the real trauma or way the abuse was really like and hereís the big one Ė how it FELT (emotionally).

I donít have the magic pill on that one. Iím only starting to see the crazy games our minds invent in a way to stall the inevitable for as long as possible. The clock is ticking for me and Iím glad (I think) because it just hurts too much living this way day in day out.

At 18, Iím so glad youíre facing this stuff now. I know I felt life was not quite right for me at 18 but I couldnít put my finger on it. My abuse was still deeply repressed and it took a few more years before I could face it, and even more years to get to this point of REALLY dealing with it.

Welcome to your journey, and welcome to all of us.


Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.