Blakanezebruh
New Here
Member # 3930

posted December 12, 2006 02:57 PM
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hello all i am a newbie. i've flirted with finding more info. via the web in regards to my abuse and sexuality for years. i am now ready to be a part of a forum where this sensitive area of my life can be discussed more openly and honestly.
due to my abuse i have been engaging in sexual practices since i was four. the first menage a trois i experienced i was seven with two girls. i also experienced numerous sexual encounters with males througout childhood.
eventually the encounters with girls stopped altogether as my abuse continued. i began to struggle with the feelings i still possess and not being "man" enough for women. i have been promiscuous in pursuits of some sort of magical connection where it all makes sense and where i will feel loved. i have experimented with all facets of male sex. there is initial pleasure but before the encounter is done i often feel disgusted,ashamed and completely uninterested. my abusers often told me how gay or girly i was so i believed them. i didnt identify with being a female and i didnt identify with other males. even as i attempt friendships with gay men i feel a seperation. am i meant to be a priest or hermit? i ask myself.
i am also obsessed with pornographic imagery that remind me of the abuse.
im now at a point where i am tired of these ridiculous pursuits and this compulsiveness with pornography and masturbation. i have never completely identified with homosexuality, as i am attracted to both sexes. i am completely open to having a relationship with a female BUT my insecurity in this area is much larger than my desire for a relationship.
id like to heal my emotional and psychological wounds once and for all...i've been through therapy which has given me more understanding but i havent been able to overcome these struggles as of yet.
thank you for setting up this site. i've come to help and be helped. if nothing else to share and listen to the concerns of others.

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collectively our voices heal

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Posts: 1 | From: Miami, FL | IP: Logged |

Blak
Welcome. Wow. you sound like any one of us on our first post. It's hard, as you say, to discuss this sensitive area of our lives. You are completely understood here and among friends. Are you seeing a therapist? You will be amazed at how similar our responses are to the abuse - even when the abuse is very different.
Glad you're here, sorry you have to be.
Paul

welcome home dude

Hi Blak,

Welcome to this site, or as shadow says, "welcome home" Glad you found us, but sorry you need to be here. Come on in and read, post, cry if necessary, but most of all, recover along with us.

Lots of love,

John

Welcome, glad you found us. This is a great place to be yourself, to share, to learn and to grow. Don't stop.

Barney