How do you know? Gay or straight? I think that choice was taken from me. I was abused at about 4 years old by a neighborhood kid. Then again when I was 12 by a coach. During the years between the abuses, I had an attraction to boys. How do I know if that was natural or not? I had many sexual hookups with girls in highschool, but I was also attracted to boys. I think the abuse led to me being attracted to boys, but I'm not sure and will never be sure. My thearpist said she does not think I am Gay but I am attracted to both sexes. So am I Bi? Gay men say there is no such thing...they say I'm confused. I do know that my life revolved around sex, drugs and more sex for a long time, now that I'm in recovery, I have been able to limit my acting out. I am happy about that but I think a part of me will always believe that my choice was taken away.

Guy D.

Guy,

I think there are many of us that feel or have felt similarly to you. For me, I feel not so much that my choice was taken from me, but that any chance for a clear understanding of my sexuality was taken.

In my mind, the question is not so much "What am I?", as it is "Where do I go from here?". I've chosen a heterosexual lifestyle, and will live that lifestyle the rest of my life. I've taken marriage vows which I have no intention of breaking in order to see what the "other side" is like. The challenge then becomes the ability to be comfortable in the skin I've chosen to wear. I'll have to say that the path of recovery I've been on is going a long way toward bring some resolution to that issue.

So that is a brief de>

Hi Guy,

Thank you for posting on such an important topic. I would simply like to add that I happen to be a gay man and I certainly believe there is such a thing as bisexual. In fact, I think there are probably just as many bisexual people in the world as there are people at the two extreme ends of this continuum.

Many of us spend years seeking a clear-cut cause/effect explanation for our sexuality. But at some point we have to begin to accept ourselves for who we are -- regardless of logic or reasoning or explanation. If you are sexually attracted to women, and you are also sexually attracted to men, then you are a bisexual man by definition. Of course, you do have choices to make. You choose your behavior, your partner, your identity, your lifestyle, your politics, your morality. But you do not really have a choice to make about your sexual orientation -- it is what it is.

Take care,
Russ

where does this leave people who cause of their abuse have no orientation at all? only the memories of something so bad they dont ever want anything to do with sex at all? to me sex ,gay straight or in between equals pain shame and guilt .i was taught that my orgasm was the final sign that i really did like it .but i wasnt born that way

right or wrong, what has helped me is that it doesnt matter what name i put on it. what counts is that i am okay with who and what i am.

my sexuality is complex, a mix of atractions, some healthy, some not. what i had to do was make peace with those, and realize in the end how i acted here and now was mine to choose.

Thanks for the responses. I think the consensus is that we are all varying shades of homosexual or heterosexual. I will just have to live with my attraction to both sexes, in some ways I should consider myself blessed for being able to appreciate both male and female. This society however pushes for a clear cut answer, and that makes it difficult. For now I choose to live a heterosexual life and be monagomous. Being in recovery from drug and sex abuse, it is nice to finally have some self control. I need to stop trying to rationalize my feelings towards each sex and just be OK with myself. Thanks again for the feedback, this site is such a blessing.

Guy D.

you and i are alike in that way. what i have decided is that when i married my wife, it meant forsaking everyone else. for you and i those others may very well be some men too, but what is the difference? we still made a choice to forsake all others and be faithful to someone we love. i guess that was an important step for me, when it became my choice instead of all the confusing stuff. chosing gave me power. just that perception that i chose my wife helped. it felt like i walked away from the others instead of having to deny myself something i enjoyed. i hope it helps you too.

The unstable sexual attraction comes from being arrested in development. You are like a teenager who is still experiencing
all the turmoil of adolescence. As healing occurs your sexuality will become stable and the answer will be clear. You stated that you for now have chosen the heterosexual life style if this is through a marriage commitment this is not a for now deal. Marriage is for a lifetime. Remember the until death do us part line in the vows. If you are not married then this most defiantly needs to be resolved before marriage.

yea i have been in arrested development for years...now i chose to be alone..no relation ships as far as sexual..male or female...it all gets to complicated steve

Yes, we all were arrested at some point. After all, it was our sexuality that was abused, wasn't it. There's a great article that was written by my therapist, Donald Mann. I'll see if I can get John Walkingsouth...sounds Native American, doesn't he?...to upload it to the site, my scanner is down. In the mean time, I wouldn't make up your minds so quickly on this issue without working it out in therapy. Being confused, frustrated, angry and even celebate, are just some of the coping mechanisms we find outselves faced with. All I know is that being sexually abused as a boy of 7, 9 and 13--17, left me feeling that I was neither and that I didn't belong anywhere. Was I able to enjoy sex with my wife, be part of making two of the most beautiful babies in the world and watch them grow into two great young women,?, Yes, I was. Did therapy throw me for loops of ups and downs?, Ya. Is it getting better? Yes, it is. Did I think that I wasn't going to make? Yes, at times. But then, catastophic thinking is another trait survivors get stuck with.
Sorry to go on so long, I'll contact His John-ness to see if I can get him to do upload that article for us.
Courage,
David