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#132725 - 12/08/06 07:03 PM SA by a woman
Cedric Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
Perhaps on of my greatest challanges is the fact that I was victimized by a woman. My sister, in fact. After rereading the previous "On Being Gay" thread (which, BTW, might have saved my life) I realized that there are a fair amount of people who read and post here who were abused by woman. I'm very interested in understanding how those of you SA by a woman feel these experiences have effected you. I'd also love to hear what Ken Singer might have to say about these specific situations.

For me, I think the effects are so significant. I am all over the place, in terms of my sexuality. I grew up feeling very heterosexual, but always had challanges being intimate with woman. ALthough I am a loving and caring person, sex often just felt like a disconnected act for me. I would get arroused, but (almost)never climax from penetration.

It was alright within some relationships, but it ended my most recent one. It has caused me to develop a fear of being intimate with woman and consider that I might be more comfortable with a man. When I have tried to experience this, it has left me feeling some sexual satisfaction, but emotionally hollow. It was no different than no strings attached sexual expereinces with women.

The other major effect, is that I feel being abused my older sister has made me very submissive - both in and out of bed. I often do not feel nearly as excited/aroused when I'm in control. In my life, I often defer control of decisions and can be very intimidated my males for fear that they'd think I was pathetic for not being able to protect myself against a woman.

I know this is just kind of a stream of conciousness, but I'd love to hear your experiences. Have this type of abuse led you down the same paths as mine has? Knowing that there are other out there like me is the best way to gain confort in who I am and the ways that I feel.

Thanks guys.

CED


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#132726 - 12/09/06 06:55 AM Re: SA by a woman
Koveri Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 80
Loc: Dallas, TX
CED,

OMG we are twins! I was raped by my older sister (among others). Three of my abusers were women and my experience is SO similar to yours, with a few differences. The sight of a naked woman is repulsive to me. I have tried having sex with a woman but it has to be in complete darkness and then I cannot climax while penetrating. Once she is satisfied, I have to jack off while thinking of men. Most of my sexual experiences have been with men. With a man I can get very aroused and quickly, but, as you say, it is emotionally lacking. Again, the issue of control is also important. I can only come to climax if I'm in a passive role. As soon as I'm on top (be that a man or woman) I shut down. I feel very intimidated by males. I'm a small person, was an extremely late bloomer and bullied all through school. Sex is something that is DONE to me, not something shared. If it is not done to me, it doesn't work. That's my experience.

Koveri


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#132727 - 12/10/06 02:30 AM Re: SA by a woman
Cedric Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
Koveri - check your PMs


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#132728 - 12/10/06 02:38 AM Re: SA by a woman
Cedric Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
Well... can't figure out PMs so here goes...

Did you always feel like you were attracted to women? Here's my situation... I have always fantasized about having a family... Growing old with my wife... the center of my upbringing was my family and what it means to be from my family... that your family is the most important thing.

For me, I always felt emotional towards woman. I can love them. But it's the physical aspect that's a challenge. It's actually pretty funny, but most women tell me that I'm unusually sensitive towards them and their needs, but don't understand why I'm not so much more sexually aggressive. I think it's almost an adjustment that I've made to offset my worries about the physical.

Also, when I'm in bed with a woman, it's not about me getting off... it's always about me getting her off and then enjoying that.

I'm also interested in how your relationship is with your sister now. This past year I finally confornted the situation (this happened 20 years ago). While it felt great, and made me feel more in control of our relationship, I also still feel these effects strongly. Are you able to have any relationship with your sister?

Thanks so much... such a relief to hear there's someone else like me.


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#132729 - 01/15/07 04:17 AM Re: SA by a woman
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Cedric it's like hearing my own story told back to me. I have only been with the one woman but she always used to remark on how good I was in bed, yet I never felt satisfied. And only very recently did I confront my sexual abuse and concurrently the question of why I know so much about female arousal and anatomy. As you can imagine, it's all starting to fit together. I too was always wanting to be submissive and this caused problems in itself in my marriage.

My abuser was my cousin, who was like a sister in that I saw her almost every day for extended periods. So I can relate totally. We even lived with them when I was very young (her family) so I only discovered she was my cousin when I was old enough to understand the concept.

A point of difference for me is that I hate women, but I also love my wife. I find her physically attractive, but she doesn't really turn me on. I've never had any gay impulses or interest but I really think these things are incedental and peculiar to each of us as our experiences are all unique and so too their impacts.

My main sexual quirk is extreme submission in terms of female domination and torture. For a long time I could only get off if my wife thrashed me and threatened me (which she is to her credit completely crap at doing).

People here can get very upset if someone like me talks about what the abuse has done to me and how I have become warped and acted out, so I'll leave out the specifics for now. But you are not alone.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#132730 - 01/15/07 12:43 PM Re: SA by a woman
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi Ash,


can I ask, do you know why your wife doesn't turn you on? You say you find her attractive physically, so do you mean that doesn't excite/arouse you? Is it a behavioural thing?


From my own experience, I have worried/still worry that my bf doesn't turn me on and also that I don't turn him on. But for me, i think it's mainly down to the fact that there's no real interraction/pre-sex language. Flirting/playfullness/communication. If I do those things, it triggers him. I think he did try to do them a little a while back, but i was still way too 'sore' about everything that had happened. I think people need/crave/hunger for that 'connection' and I also wonder about the differences between what types of things make sense to each person. Compatability I suppose.


Just soome of my many many thoughts around this whole issue,


peace
Beccy


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#132731 - 01/19/07 07:47 PM Re: SA by a woman
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
So much of these posts is so familiar.
The first perp in my life was my mother. I guess it was "covert incest" which is when caregivers use the guise of childcare to abuse (bathing, dressing, etc). She stopped most of it when I was about 11 maybe. She's kind of like the mother on the tv show "Everybody Loves Raymond", she even looks like her, and is dominating, controlling.


In 6th grade I realized I was excited by guys, while my guy friends were all going girl-crazy.

Some of my best friends in high school and college were girls/women, but I was terrified of any physical contact, and the thought of being naked with a woman. A couple of times they'd want to be more than friends and I just froze up. I'd feel like such jerk, and I was, because I'd become their friend, but wasn't out about being gay, so they thought I was rejecting them.
When I was 18 I met this girl, also 18, who was only in town for the summer. She made it clear she was ready to hop in the sack, and I just froze up. I wasn't attracted to her, but if I hadn't been so filled with shame and fear I could have explored straight sex with out a lot of strings attached. But I was so hung up/scared/terrifed, etc. -and she wasn't being aggressive at all.

It took me a long time to learn that sex isn't supposed to be something you "do" to someone, have "done to you", or "get" from someone.

I think my fear of intimacy with women is a result of my mother. I sometimes wonder how my sexuality would have unfolded if I hadn't experienced CSA. I wonder if my mothers abuse set me up for perp #2 who came along when I was about 11, he was an older kid in my neighborhood.

I've never had sex with a women, or had any kind of sexual contact or kissing. I think I'd like to experience it, out of curiosity ,but I doubt I could "perform". Why should I be so freaked out?
I've had a few female friends that I could've imagined being married to, starting a family, growing old together. Everything except the sex.

There was a time when I was acting out with men, i.e. cruising for anonymous sex. More often then not it was me servicing them, I wouldn't actually be aroused, later I might fantasize about them. That's probably a whole another post/thread.

I haven't confronted my mother. In the past 3 years since I realized what she had been doing to me, I've distanced myself some. I used to call everyweek, and visit once a month, now I don't. She senses something is wrong. We only talk about general topics (the weather, etc). I don't know if/when/how I'll confront her, or what difference it will make (she'll deny it was abuse I think and say something like 'that's the way things were back then" or some shit). But why should she live out her life thinking her actions didn't hurt me?

I'm sorry this post is all over the place, not trying to hijack the thread with my stuff, haven't had any coffee yet this morning.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#132732 - 01/20/07 12:24 AM Re: SA by a woman
Koveri Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 80
Loc: Dallas, TX
Cedric,

I don't know how I missed your comments from Dec 9 and your response to me. I'm sorry I never wrote back. This is one subject (abuse from females) that I would truly like to know more about. I've read dozens of books about abused boys, and although I was also abused by men, there is so little about the effects from abuse by women. And the results are VERY DIFFERENT, I believe. Before I make my comments, I'll try and answer your questions.

"Did you always feel like you were attracted to women?" If you mean sexually, I was NEVER EVER attracted to them. However, boys were always a mystery to me, my mother raised me pretty much as a girl and most of my friends were girls. But just like you, as SOON as they wanted more than friendship, I would turn and run. I really don't like being kissed by a woman, even my 96 year old grandmother; it is so sickening.

My other female abusers were a babysitter when I was 5-6 and my mother when I was 13-17. Like your mother, she would always find 'logical' reasons to have her hands down my pants or to be naked around me.

"How is your relationship with your sister now?" Pretty distant. We never communicate and when we see either other we say very little. Also we are ALWAYS in mixed company. I have never been alone with my sister since she stopped raping me at 12. I wrote her a letter when I was about 25 about the abuse because I was experiencing a crisis in understanding my sexual orientation; not wanting to be gay but having overwhelming urges that direction. I mentioned this in my letter. She wrote back admitting what had happened, but said she wasn't going to take responsibility for any of MY problems. That I was erect at the time, so was obviously enjoying it. And I was making much too big a deal out of it. So, confronting your perp is not always the best thing to do. So, at 25 I realized that if sexuality was going to have any part in my life, it would have to be gay sex.

I still can not emotionally bond well with another man. Maybe because 90% of my encounters are anonymous. Out of a hundred lovers, I think I only know the last name of one of them. Like you, I am always the passive one. I don't know how I could ever stand penetrating a woman or man.

Again, I am sorry for the long delay in answering. Thanks Galapogos for bring this back up.

Koveri


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#146378 - 03/21/07 11:51 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: Koveri]
istrong Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/20/07
Posts: 79
Loc: CT
I was also abused by a women, at 14. I can tell you that it deffinetly dictated what I find attractive in women, the exact opposite of my abuser. Also I have not been able to ejaculate since the event,(wich was 5 years ago) at least not with a women, and Im not sure Im comfortable with the idea of haveing sex with another man. I feel that the event affected my love/sex life more than any other part of my life, maybe because I was entering puberty, not sure.

_________________________
"Go then, there are other worlds than these"
-John 'Jake' Chambers

I'd rather be above the grass than below it.

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#146391 - 03/21/07 02:29 PM Re: SA by a woman [Re: istrong]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11075
Loc: Denver, CO
One of my abusers was my mother. I've had ugly issues with women because of her. I hardly ever found them sexually attractive until recently, when some remote feelings have come up. I've felt like a stunted 10yo all these years.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#151638 - 04/19/07 01:24 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: FormerTexan]
ChainBreaker Offline


Registered: 04/06/07
Posts: 55
Loc: Michigan
Wow, I wish I'd been here earlier to see this thread! I was also abused by my older sister. She also introduced me to porn. I still identify myself as very much heterosexual, but I have major issues with my masculinity. Is there anyone else out there who would like to share insights with me?

_________________________
When I figure out who I am, I'll add a signature line.

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#152805 - 04/25/07 08:38 PM Re: SA by a woman [Re: ChainBreaker]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey all, I've been on another site for a while now but it seems like most if not all there were abused by men. I was raped at 15 by a friend's Mother. I have noticed so many simularities between survivors of both sexes but I to feel like an outsider sometimes because of some of the differences. I'll give my impressions, I hope they help. And like Chainbreaker I would love any help or insight anyone has.

Deep breath, here goes.

I became extremely shy towards women after my assault, I know the word shyness is a complete understatement now but I'm sure you can understand what I mean. I've been the subject of much anger by women because of my reactions to they're advances, a cold shoulder being the lightest of them, I just don't know how to react when I'm hit on. I usually get the fight or flight feeling but more often than not I freeze up completely. I shake uncontrollably when they get too close and I have an extremely hard time making eye contact, I know they can read my soul through my eyes. I've gotten a few nasty looks as well because when I make eye contact my immediate reaction is to look down and then they think I'm checking out their breasts, I guess they get that alot, then I feel guilty even though I'm not really checking them out.

Nudity is an extreme for me too. I get extremely embarrased by female nudity. I took a painting course in college and one day walked in to find a nude female model standing there. It was like I got hit with a sledge hammer, I had to leave the class and the teacher saw my reaction and told me it was okay to skip the class but that just made me more embarassed that she knew I was shocked by it.

I guess I would consider myself a submissive hetero male (I'm still having sexual identity problems though, and wouldn't swear that I'm hetero) I am extremely attracted to strong masculine females though, Femdom porn, bdsm, etc. I'm always the sub in my fantasies. I also..........this is tough to say, have fantasies of me being a women, I agonize over this alot. I think it might have to do with me being submissive and society being more acceptive of a submissive women than a man, trying to be more socially acceptable I guess, this is just a guess though. I had one relationship with a women 16 years ago ( no men ever) she was always the aggressor, always initiated the sex. It was a major problem in our relationship. I think I put much of my self worth into being used as a sexual toy, I thought that this was all women would want me for. I usually zoned out while we were having sex, had to be drunk or stoned to get aroused. I think I was recreating the situation from the rape. I had a flash back a few times and did exactly what I did when I was raped, I retreated into myself. Another major problem in our relationship as she thought I had fallen asleep on her because I was listess. She had to slap my face on one occassion to bring me out of it. It was a bad moment and I was so embarrased we didn't talk for a while because I was so ashamed. Sex is nothing but anxiety for me, there is zero intimacy in it for me, I think I just really go through the motions rather than any want on my part to be intimate with her. I have rape fantasies often, 9 times out of 10. It's very hard to ejaculate as well and sometimes goes on for ever, I usually have to resort to extremes with my rape fanatasies to finish off. Usually the words "this is my d**k" from the women will cause the biggest turn on. I almost need to seperate myself from my member, like it is wrong that I should get any pleasure from it. Guilt always follows. Oh, and kissing is the worst of the worst for me, I hate anyone close to or touching my face to the extreme.

Problems with my masculinity are huge, I seem to be caught in limbo between being a man and not a man. I feel like I'm a big fake around my male friends and usually spend most of my time agonizing over whether they know I'm not a real man or not. I'm hyper reactive to touch, I literally jump out of my skin when I'm touched, even a tap on the shoulder from one of them sends me reeling, and then again I'm embarrased and feel like I'm not a real man. I've become an extremely good liar.

Too sum it all up. I don't feel like a man, I'm terrified of women, not pysically but emotionally, I'm afraid they'll see the real me and then lose any attraction they might have had. really it boils down to pure confusion about who and what I am.

Phew, that was draining. Hope it helped.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#153073 - 04/27/07 12:32 PM Re: SA by a woman [Re: mogigo]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mike,

Some of the things you talk about are abuse issues and others are triggers for your abuse issues. Female nudity is a trigger for you, for example; it recalls the abuse and the feelings you had at the time.

Things like this really mess with our heads: I call them "mindfuckers". They can be resolved through hard work and therapy, but it does take time.

There are other guys here who have also endured abuse by women, and I hope they see you have posted here and drop in to comment and have a word with you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#156433 - 05/16/07 10:17 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: FormerTexan]
GREGORY10031 Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 3
Loc: New York, NY
Cedric,

Thank you so much for sharing your story!

I was abused by a woman too (my mother) and I've always felt that I was the only guy in the world this ever happened too - which always made me feel ashamed and unmanly.

As an adult, despite the fact that I identify as heterosexual, all of my attempts at sexual intimacy with women have failed.

The closest I've ever come to having a girlfriend was this on again off again 12 year relationship with a woman I met in trade school - she was a recovering cocaine addict [we'll call her "L"] who had decided to be celibate, so despite the fact that we 'dated' for 12 years we never once had sex.

I didn't have my first sexual experience until I was 29. At that point I ABSOLUTELY HAD to get rid of my virginity - I'd promised myself that I wouldn't be a 30 year old virgin, because that would be so unmanly and pathetic - and would prove that my mother was right about how repulsive I was.

So, I paid a co worker [let's call her "N"]$ 40 to solve that problem for me.

That was a profoundly unsatisfying experience, and led to a very financially exploitative involvement with N (about $ 8,300 over 9 months) and almost got me arrested (we were both state employees at the time - our work location was partrolled by state troopers).

And the "sex" itself was terrible - despite the fact that N was very physically attractive, she had a terrible personality, a serious alcohol and marijuana addiction and a deep hatred of men (she had been abandoned before birth by her dad, and CSAed by one of her mom's scumbag boyfriends when she was 11 - while I was dealing with N, her daughter ended up being CSAed by her daughter's grandfather).

I could get an erection when we had phone sex, but never in person - which always got me berated and pelted with homophobic slurs by N.

At the same time I was paying N for sexual activity I was introduced by a male co worker to a friend of his wife, a golddiggerish woman who was looking to date a unionized tradesman (she knew exactly how much we got paid, what day we got paid on, when our vacation checks came ect).

We'll call her "R" and the reason she was looking for a man was because her current boyfriend was in jail awaiting trial for robbing her mother!

She was also physically attractive, but she had really horrible body image issues, was seriously depressed and she expected men who dated her to be physically and sexually abusive to her.

I wasn't able to live up to R's expectations for abusiveness, and, although I was able to get an erection while I was in her presence, I was unable to successfully have sex with her, which led to R pelting me with verbal abuse and homophobic slurs.

After those horrible experiences, I took a 6 year break from sexual activity other than masturbation.

The last time I tried to have a sexual involvement with a woman it was with a woman introduced to me by my cousin [we'll call this woman "B"]

B was actually married - the second wife in a polygamist marriage (she's Muslim) - and her husband could not get her preganant, due to impotence related to his severe high blood pressure.

But, B wanted a kid - because his other two wives had kids - so she needed some guy to get her pregnant. That's why she got herself introduced to me.

I tried to be intimate with her, but it was impossible. I couldn't get an erection, especially after she ridiculed my penis size, so I got verbally abused by B.

That last experience was 4 years ago (on Valentines Day, no less!) and I have not had a sexual experience with anybody since then.

Despite the hellishness of my adult sexual experiences (not to mention my childhood ones) I still want to have a sexual relationship with a woman.

I don't think it will ever happen, but I dearly wish it would!







Edited by GREGORY10031 (05/16/07 10:19 AM)
_________________________
Gregory

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#203978 - 02/07/08 09:30 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: GREGORY10031]
Csmith Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Portland, OR
Wow. Thank you all for sharing. I am deeply sorry you've gone through what you did. At the same time, I'm thankful not feel so alone.

I too, was abused by a female. A babysitter of mine when I was about 6. There are several hazy memories of her being naked with me, wanting me to touch her, kiss, etc, and one very explicit memory of her laying on me naked, trying to insert me in her but getting frustrated at me for "doing it wrong". I doubt I even was hard.

The first positive sexual experiences was with a best friend in adolescence. We did mutual mast. and some oral until he ended it. I never thought of any boys before or after that until my twenties.

I too, am terrified of women. Which is why the fact that I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful woman is so amazing. What allowed it to progress to this stage and not falter like past girlfriends is that we started off from a distance-she's an old friend of my brother's and I live in Asia. We started over a year ago, emailing and skyping, and it turned into more. The distance allowed sexual distance yet emotional closeness to flourish. I've had numerous intimacy breakthroughs with her that I never came close to in past relationships. I won't go into the details of this complicated matter, but put simply, I've been able to be sexual with her while maintaining my own control.

What bothers me is, like others in this post, compulsive male sex fantasies. These really only started when I was in my twenties when I started consciously using men as sexual fantasy partners. I usually used my more dominant male friends in these. All the while, I still dated women but was consistently underwhelmed by the sex (i.e. orgasm) and never really felt like a "man" complete with romance and emotional intimacy.

This has changed with my fiance. But, I'm still disturbed by the fact that I am driven to fantasize about doing oral and sometimes fucking guys. I want to be at a place where I am ok with feeling turned on but not that it is "better" or more comfortable. While I love my fiance dearly and have had amazing intimacy with her, I still get familiar fears of it at times and get tempted to retreat into myself like some of you seem to understand.

Enough babbling now. Just wanted to share so you all feel less alone as well.

Corbin


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#204258 - 02/09/08 01:10 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: FormerTexan]
dave999 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Canada
Just read this thread - I was SA by my mother - and have wrestled with sexual identity since - see Dave's Question - I can not help but feel somewhat relieved to learn that others abused by a female have have been impacted in a similar way with the same repercussions - I thought that I was alone - thank you for sharing your story - Dave


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#204271 - 02/09/08 06:51 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: dave999]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I was abused by a 30 yo woman neighbor and I was 16. She said I needed the experience. I think I could have lived without it. She was drunk when it happened and apologized for it a couple days later but that didn't make what happened go away. I was already living with Tim my male abuser who was in his 20s. Kind of like a double mind Fu#% for me. Thanks for bringing this topic up I play the abuse by woman down but I really was hurt by it and I need to work through it just like the rest of my abuse. Just because it was a woman does not make it less painful. the results are still the same.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#204697 - 02/11/08 09:26 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: GateKPR4]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2577
I was abused by an older female (teen) when I was 8. I've always felt that this abuse, which was only a one time thing, has impacted me more deeply than any of the other abuse I deal with. During my first session with my T, she asked me to identify any adults from my childhood that I felt were rolemodels for me, or that I had very positive feelings about. I thought long and hard, and finally settled on 2 male teachers from high school. My T didn't focus on who I'd identified, but on who I didn't. Not a single woman. It was then that the realization set in, that I have huge issues with women. Not anything about women mind you, but the fact that they make me uncomfortable to be around, I don't get close to women, I keep my distance from women, etc. It's a miracle that I'm married.

I also put some thought into all the women I've ever been attracted to. All of them were very Non-feminine as compared to what our society typifies as feminine. None of them wore makeup, or dressed pretty and frilly, if you know what I mean. They all wore regular jeans, T-Shirts, sneakers, not overly feminine at all.

So yes, I'd say that my being abused, one time by a female, as seriously messed up my ability to relate to women on a normal level.


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#204700 - 02/11/08 10:07 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: JustScott]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6419
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
WOW Scott! What a realization! That's huge progress in my book!!!

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#313340 - 12/07/09 10:38 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: Still]
Scotty123 Offline


Registered: 12/07/09
Posts: 51
,


Edited by Scotty123 (01/08/13 06:12 AM)

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#340823 - 09/26/10 12:43 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: FormerTexan]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 261
Loc: Europe
The other day I had trouble functioning in bed, and rather than starting a new thread, I thought I could search for a relevant one to join in on. This thread resonates with me in some ways.

With my Mom, although there were one or two flashbacks of touching, I would say in was covert incest ("incest" is a really hard word for me), but the other day my wife and I were having sex and as she was touching me, somehow I felt it was like Mom touching me ALL OVER. I even heard Mom's voice say "My handsome man." I suddenly realized that I had lost my erection while having sex with my wife. I felt awful. I feel like I'm letting her down, and I also feel totally humiliated. It is also confusing, because another source of shame for me is that I can get aroused thinking of some things with my mother, so why does that suddenly have the opposite effect when that would be the last thing I need. It seems totally unfair that I will get an erection when thinking about Mom--when I would really rather not. And then when going limp would be the last thing I want, THAT is the effect it has on me.

I can't talk to my wife about it, because when I first started facing SA issues she told me I must be wrong about my mother. It is also tough that when I told her I wanted to go a support group, she said, "Just don't come home one day and tell me your gay." That hurt a lot. I've had questions, but I know I'm not gay. I decided then, though, that I would not talk to my wife about the SA. She hasn't complained. Once or twice she tried to listen, but she was pretty much repulsed by talk of anything abuse-related. So I lost my erection in bed, and I can't talk to her about it.

I feel like I can hear my older brother, who also did things to me and once told me I was gay, laughing at me.

Now, I'm scared of the next time we'll have sex. I'm afraid it won't work again, and I am afraid taht this fear will make it even more difficult.

I'm also feeling pretty asexual overall. I know I'm not gay, am not turned on by men. I have weird and explicit fantasies about my brother, but it is not about being attracted towards men in general.

On the women front, though, I feel practically disinterested. I can see pictures and films of beautiful women and have no reaction whatsoever. It is almost like I am bored. Part of me wonders if I am just getting old. At 40, am I just losing it?

Part of me though, wonders if I'm just less of a man. That's a hard one, because so many times in so many ways the question comes up. I've never felt like I was fully a man, and now this last incident seems like one more confirmation of that. (I'm wondering if "impotent" will become the new difficult word for me)



Edited by learning2remember (09/26/10 01:00 AM)
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"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#341132 - 09/29/10 10:59 PM Re: SA by a woman [Re: mogigo]
Neverquit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 147
Loc: Ohio
Hey Mogigo, thanks for posting that. I was molested by my mother and relate to probably 90% of what you said. I also disassociate and freeze when I get hit on by women. I'm extremely passive, used to have rape fantasies, thought of being the woman, lots of sexual confusion, get nauseated if I don't disassociate from "starting the sexual process" with a woman. I honestly believe the only difference between experiences is that I have yet to be with a woman.

Man, this thread is tough, I can't write any more.

~Grant

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There is always hope

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#342922 - 10/24/10 01:49 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: Neverquit]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Never, It's almost a minority in a minority eh. I know it's tough bro. But this is the right place.

I guess while I was on here full time, I really didn't get to delve into my stuff too deep, but I sure did feel like I belonged here.

Ya know, I'm happy now. I got past the "life sucks" stuff, but I still talk to my partner about my issues. Those issues are real, and I have to say, that I'm not sure if they will ever be resolved. The fact that I can say to my partner that "hey, wait. This affects me". That's worth, what, what is that worth?.

It's worth me never ever having to look at suicide as ever being an option. It's worth Life.

Stay strong
Mike

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Thriving

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#343132 - 10/26/10 10:30 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: mogigo]
Dogs&Gods Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 49
Loc: The Mighty Mitten
I have many of the same issue, I believe that my SSA stems from my mother keeping me to herself only.

I wonder if the attraction to male porn stems from the uncomfort from seeing my own mother in states of undress.

Like turned off my attraction to women in a sense.

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Remember Dog is God spelled backwards: The dogs in my life were the first ones to hear my pain and lick away my tears.

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