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#151638 - 04/19/07 01:24 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: FormerTexan]
ChainBreaker Offline


Registered: 04/06/07
Posts: 55
Loc: Michigan
Wow, I wish I'd been here earlier to see this thread! I was also abused by my older sister. She also introduced me to porn. I still identify myself as very much heterosexual, but I have major issues with my masculinity. Is there anyone else out there who would like to share insights with me?

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#152805 - 04/25/07 08:38 PM Re: SA by a woman [Re: ChainBreaker]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey all, I've been on another site for a while now but it seems like most if not all there were abused by men. I was raped at 15 by a friend's Mother. I have noticed so many simularities between survivors of both sexes but I to feel like an outsider sometimes because of some of the differences. I'll give my impressions, I hope they help. And like Chainbreaker I would love any help or insight anyone has.

Deep breath, here goes.

I became extremely shy towards women after my assault, I know the word shyness is a complete understatement now but I'm sure you can understand what I mean. I've been the subject of much anger by women because of my reactions to they're advances, a cold shoulder being the lightest of them, I just don't know how to react when I'm hit on. I usually get the fight or flight feeling but more often than not I freeze up completely. I shake uncontrollably when they get too close and I have an extremely hard time making eye contact, I know they can read my soul through my eyes. I've gotten a few nasty looks as well because when I make eye contact my immediate reaction is to look down and then they think I'm checking out their breasts, I guess they get that alot, then I feel guilty even though I'm not really checking them out.

Nudity is an extreme for me too. I get extremely embarrased by female nudity. I took a painting course in college and one day walked in to find a nude female model standing there. It was like I got hit with a sledge hammer, I had to leave the class and the teacher saw my reaction and told me it was okay to skip the class but that just made me more embarassed that she knew I was shocked by it.

I guess I would consider myself a submissive hetero male (I'm still having sexual identity problems though, and wouldn't swear that I'm hetero) I am extremely attracted to strong masculine females though, Femdom porn, bdsm, etc. I'm always the sub in my fantasies. I also..........this is tough to say, have fantasies of me being a women, I agonize over this alot. I think it might have to do with me being submissive and society being more acceptive of a submissive women than a man, trying to be more socially acceptable I guess, this is just a guess though. I had one relationship with a women 16 years ago ( no men ever) she was always the aggressor, always initiated the sex. It was a major problem in our relationship. I think I put much of my self worth into being used as a sexual toy, I thought that this was all women would want me for. I usually zoned out while we were having sex, had to be drunk or stoned to get aroused. I think I was recreating the situation from the rape. I had a flash back a few times and did exactly what I did when I was raped, I retreated into myself. Another major problem in our relationship as she thought I had fallen asleep on her because I was listess. She had to slap my face on one occassion to bring me out of it. It was a bad moment and I was so embarrased we didn't talk for a while because I was so ashamed. Sex is nothing but anxiety for me, there is zero intimacy in it for me, I think I just really go through the motions rather than any want on my part to be intimate with her. I have rape fantasies often, 9 times out of 10. It's very hard to ejaculate as well and sometimes goes on for ever, I usually have to resort to extremes with my rape fanatasies to finish off. Usually the words "this is my d**k" from the women will cause the biggest turn on. I almost need to seperate myself from my member, like it is wrong that I should get any pleasure from it. Guilt always follows. Oh, and kissing is the worst of the worst for me, I hate anyone close to or touching my face to the extreme.

Problems with my masculinity are huge, I seem to be caught in limbo between being a man and not a man. I feel like I'm a big fake around my male friends and usually spend most of my time agonizing over whether they know I'm not a real man or not. I'm hyper reactive to touch, I literally jump out of my skin when I'm touched, even a tap on the shoulder from one of them sends me reeling, and then again I'm embarrased and feel like I'm not a real man. I've become an extremely good liar.

Too sum it all up. I don't feel like a man, I'm terrified of women, not pysically but emotionally, I'm afraid they'll see the real me and then lose any attraction they might have had. really it boils down to pure confusion about who and what I am.

Phew, that was draining. Hope it helped.

Stay strong
Mike

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#153073 - 04/27/07 12:32 PM Re: SA by a woman [Re: mogigo]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mike,

Some of the things you talk about are abuse issues and others are triggers for your abuse issues. Female nudity is a trigger for you, for example; it recalls the abuse and the feelings you had at the time.

Things like this really mess with our heads: I call them "mindfuckers". They can be resolved through hard work and therapy, but it does take time.

There are other guys here who have also endured abuse by women, and I hope they see you have posted here and drop in to comment and have a word with you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#156433 - 05/16/07 10:17 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: FormerTexan]
GREGORY10031 Offline
New Here

Registered: 05/16/07
Posts: 3
Loc: New York, NY
Cedric,

Thank you so much for sharing your story!

I was abused by a woman too (my mother) and I've always felt that I was the only guy in the world this ever happened too - which always made me feel ashamed and unmanly.

As an adult, despite the fact that I identify as heterosexual, all of my attempts at sexual intimacy with women have failed.

The closest I've ever come to having a girlfriend was this on again off again 12 year relationship with a woman I met in trade school - she was a recovering cocaine addict [we'll call her "L"] who had decided to be celibate, so despite the fact that we 'dated' for 12 years we never once had sex.

I didn't have my first sexual experience until I was 29. At that point I ABSOLUTELY HAD to get rid of my virginity - I'd promised myself that I wouldn't be a 30 year old virgin, because that would be so unmanly and pathetic - and would prove that my mother was right about how repulsive I was.

So, I paid a co worker [let's call her "N"]$ 40 to solve that problem for me.

That was a profoundly unsatisfying experience, and led to a very financially exploitative involvement with N (about $ 8,300 over 9 months) and almost got me arrested (we were both state employees at the time - our work location was partrolled by state troopers).

And the "sex" itself was terrible - despite the fact that N was very physically attractive, she had a terrible personality, a serious alcohol and marijuana addiction and a deep hatred of men (she had been abandoned before birth by her dad, and CSAed by one of her mom's scumbag boyfriends when she was 11 - while I was dealing with N, her daughter ended up being CSAed by her daughter's grandfather).

I could get an erection when we had phone sex, but never in person - which always got me berated and pelted with homophobic slurs by N.

At the same time I was paying N for sexual activity I was introduced by a male co worker to a friend of his wife, a golddiggerish woman who was looking to date a unionized tradesman (she knew exactly how much we got paid, what day we got paid on, when our vacation checks came ect).

We'll call her "R" and the reason she was looking for a man was because her current boyfriend was in jail awaiting trial for robbing her mother!

She was also physically attractive, but she had really horrible body image issues, was seriously depressed and she expected men who dated her to be physically and sexually abusive to her.

I wasn't able to live up to R's expectations for abusiveness, and, although I was able to get an erection while I was in her presence, I was unable to successfully have sex with her, which led to R pelting me with verbal abuse and homophobic slurs.

After those horrible experiences, I took a 6 year break from sexual activity other than masturbation.

The last time I tried to have a sexual involvement with a woman it was with a woman introduced to me by my cousin [we'll call this woman "B"]

B was actually married - the second wife in a polygamist marriage (she's Muslim) - and her husband could not get her preganant, due to impotence related to his severe high blood pressure.

But, B wanted a kid - because his other two wives had kids - so she needed some guy to get her pregnant. That's why she got herself introduced to me.

I tried to be intimate with her, but it was impossible. I couldn't get an erection, especially after she ridiculed my penis size, so I got verbally abused by B.

That last experience was 4 years ago (on Valentines Day, no less!) and I have not had a sexual experience with anybody since then.

Despite the hellishness of my adult sexual experiences (not to mention my childhood ones) I still want to have a sexual relationship with a woman.

I don't think it will ever happen, but I dearly wish it would!







Edited by GREGORY10031 (05/16/07 10:19 AM)
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#203978 - 02/07/08 09:30 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: GREGORY10031]
Csmith Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Portland, OR
Wow. Thank you all for sharing. I am deeply sorry you've gone through what you did. At the same time, I'm thankful not feel so alone.

I too, was abused by a female. A babysitter of mine when I was about 6. There are several hazy memories of her being naked with me, wanting me to touch her, kiss, etc, and one very explicit memory of her laying on me naked, trying to insert me in her but getting frustrated at me for "doing it wrong". I doubt I even was hard.

The first positive sexual experiences was with a best friend in adolescence. We did mutual mast. and some oral until he ended it. I never thought of any boys before or after that until my twenties.

I too, am terrified of women. Which is why the fact that I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful woman is so amazing. What allowed it to progress to this stage and not falter like past girlfriends is that we started off from a distance-she's an old friend of my brother's and I live in Asia. We started over a year ago, emailing and skyping, and it turned into more. The distance allowed sexual distance yet emotional closeness to flourish. I've had numerous intimacy breakthroughs with her that I never came close to in past relationships. I won't go into the details of this complicated matter, but put simply, I've been able to be sexual with her while maintaining my own control.

What bothers me is, like others in this post, compulsive male sex fantasies. These really only started when I was in my twenties when I started consciously using men as sexual fantasy partners. I usually used my more dominant male friends in these. All the while, I still dated women but was consistently underwhelmed by the sex (i.e. orgasm) and never really felt like a "man" complete with romance and emotional intimacy.

This has changed with my fiance. But, I'm still disturbed by the fact that I am driven to fantasize about doing oral and sometimes fucking guys. I want to be at a place where I am ok with feeling turned on but not that it is "better" or more comfortable. While I love my fiance dearly and have had amazing intimacy with her, I still get familiar fears of it at times and get tempted to retreat into myself like some of you seem to understand.

Enough babbling now. Just wanted to share so you all feel less alone as well.

Corbin


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#204258 - 02/09/08 01:10 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: FormerTexan]
dave999 Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 23
Loc: Canada
Just read this thread - I was SA by my mother - and have wrestled with sexual identity since - see Dave's Question - I can not help but feel somewhat relieved to learn that others abused by a female have have been impacted in a similar way with the same repercussions - I thought that I was alone - thank you for sharing your story - Dave


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#204271 - 02/09/08 06:51 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: dave999]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I was abused by a 30 yo woman neighbor and I was 16. She said I needed the experience. I think I could have lived without it. She was drunk when it happened and apologized for it a couple days later but that didn't make what happened go away. I was already living with Tim my male abuser who was in his 20s. Kind of like a double mind Fu#% for me. Thanks for bringing this topic up I play the abuse by woman down but I really was hurt by it and I need to work through it just like the rest of my abuse. Just because it was a woman does not make it less painful. the results are still the same.

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I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
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#204697 - 02/11/08 09:26 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: GateKPR4]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
I was abused by an older female (teen) when I was 8. I've always felt that this abuse, which was only a one time thing, has impacted me more deeply than any of the other abuse I deal with. During my first session with my T, she asked me to identify any adults from my childhood that I felt were rolemodels for me, or that I had very positive feelings about. I thought long and hard, and finally settled on 2 male teachers from high school. My T didn't focus on who I'd identified, but on who I didn't. Not a single woman. It was then that the realization set in, that I have huge issues with women. Not anything about women mind you, but the fact that they make me uncomfortable to be around, I don't get close to women, I keep my distance from women, etc. It's a miracle that I'm married.

I also put some thought into all the women I've ever been attracted to. All of them were very Non-feminine as compared to what our society typifies as feminine. None of them wore makeup, or dressed pretty and frilly, if you know what I mean. They all wore regular jeans, T-Shirts, sneakers, not overly feminine at all.

So yes, I'd say that my being abused, one time by a female, as seriously messed up my ability to relate to women on a normal level.


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#204700 - 02/11/08 10:07 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: JustScott]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
WOW Scott! What a realization! That's huge progress in my book!!!

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#313340 - 12/07/09 10:38 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: Still]
Scotty123 Offline


Registered: 12/07/09
Posts: 51
,


Edited by Scotty123 (01/08/13 06:12 AM)

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