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#132725 - 12/08/06 07:03 PM SA by a woman
Cedric Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
Perhaps on of my greatest challanges is the fact that I was victimized by a woman. My sister, in fact. After rereading the previous "On Being Gay" thread (which, BTW, might have saved my life) I realized that there are a fair amount of people who read and post here who were abused by woman. I'm very interested in understanding how those of you SA by a woman feel these experiences have effected you. I'd also love to hear what Ken Singer might have to say about these specific situations.

For me, I think the effects are so significant. I am all over the place, in terms of my sexuality. I grew up feeling very heterosexual, but always had challanges being intimate with woman. ALthough I am a loving and caring person, sex often just felt like a disconnected act for me. I would get arroused, but (almost)never climax from penetration.

It was alright within some relationships, but it ended my most recent one. It has caused me to develop a fear of being intimate with woman and consider that I might be more comfortable with a man. When I have tried to experience this, it has left me feeling some sexual satisfaction, but emotionally hollow. It was no different than no strings attached sexual expereinces with women.

The other major effect, is that I feel being abused my older sister has made me very submissive - both in and out of bed. I often do not feel nearly as excited/aroused when I'm in control. In my life, I often defer control of decisions and can be very intimidated my males for fear that they'd think I was pathetic for not being able to protect myself against a woman.

I know this is just kind of a stream of conciousness, but I'd love to hear your experiences. Have this type of abuse led you down the same paths as mine has? Knowing that there are other out there like me is the best way to gain confort in who I am and the ways that I feel.

Thanks guys.

CED


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#132726 - 12/09/06 06:55 AM Re: SA by a woman
Koveri Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 80
Loc: Dallas, TX
CED,

OMG we are twins! I was raped by my older sister (among others). Three of my abusers were women and my experience is SO similar to yours, with a few differences. The sight of a naked woman is repulsive to me. I have tried having sex with a woman but it has to be in complete darkness and then I cannot climax while penetrating. Once she is satisfied, I have to jack off while thinking of men. Most of my sexual experiences have been with men. With a man I can get very aroused and quickly, but, as you say, it is emotionally lacking. Again, the issue of control is also important. I can only come to climax if I'm in a passive role. As soon as I'm on top (be that a man or woman) I shut down. I feel very intimidated by males. I'm a small person, was an extremely late bloomer and bullied all through school. Sex is something that is DONE to me, not something shared. If it is not done to me, it doesn't work. That's my experience.

Koveri


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#132727 - 12/10/06 02:30 AM Re: SA by a woman
Cedric Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
Koveri - check your PMs


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#132728 - 12/10/06 02:38 AM Re: SA by a woman
Cedric Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/28/06
Posts: 12
Loc: New York
Well... can't figure out PMs so here goes...

Did you always feel like you were attracted to women? Here's my situation... I have always fantasized about having a family... Growing old with my wife... the center of my upbringing was my family and what it means to be from my family... that your family is the most important thing.

For me, I always felt emotional towards woman. I can love them. But it's the physical aspect that's a challenge. It's actually pretty funny, but most women tell me that I'm unusually sensitive towards them and their needs, but don't understand why I'm not so much more sexually aggressive. I think it's almost an adjustment that I've made to offset my worries about the physical.

Also, when I'm in bed with a woman, it's not about me getting off... it's always about me getting her off and then enjoying that.

I'm also interested in how your relationship is with your sister now. This past year I finally confornted the situation (this happened 20 years ago). While it felt great, and made me feel more in control of our relationship, I also still feel these effects strongly. Are you able to have any relationship with your sister?

Thanks so much... such a relief to hear there's someone else like me.


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#132729 - 01/15/07 04:17 AM Re: SA by a woman
AshSurvived Offline
Member

Registered: 01/07/07
Posts: 167
Loc: Australia
Cedric it's like hearing my own story told back to me. I have only been with the one woman but she always used to remark on how good I was in bed, yet I never felt satisfied. And only very recently did I confront my sexual abuse and concurrently the question of why I know so much about female arousal and anatomy. As you can imagine, it's all starting to fit together. I too was always wanting to be submissive and this caused problems in itself in my marriage.

My abuser was my cousin, who was like a sister in that I saw her almost every day for extended periods. So I can relate totally. We even lived with them when I was very young (her family) so I only discovered she was my cousin when I was old enough to understand the concept.

A point of difference for me is that I hate women, but I also love my wife. I find her physically attractive, but she doesn't really turn me on. I've never had any gay impulses or interest but I really think these things are incedental and peculiar to each of us as our experiences are all unique and so too their impacts.

My main sexual quirk is extreme submission in terms of female domination and torture. For a long time I could only get off if my wife thrashed me and threatened me (which she is to her credit completely crap at doing).

People here can get very upset if someone like me talks about what the abuse has done to me and how I have become warped and acted out, so I'll leave out the specifics for now. But you are not alone.

_________________________
"It's your world Dave, I'm just livin' in it"

- Harvey Pekar to David Letterman
(American Splendour)

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#132730 - 01/15/07 12:43 PM Re: SA by a woman
beccy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/06
Posts: 449
Loc: england
Hi Ash,


can I ask, do you know why your wife doesn't turn you on? You say you find her attractive physically, so do you mean that doesn't excite/arouse you? Is it a behavioural thing?


From my own experience, I have worried/still worry that my bf doesn't turn me on and also that I don't turn him on. But for me, i think it's mainly down to the fact that there's no real interraction/pre-sex language. Flirting/playfullness/communication. If I do those things, it triggers him. I think he did try to do them a little a while back, but i was still way too 'sore' about everything that had happened. I think people need/crave/hunger for that 'connection' and I also wonder about the differences between what types of things make sense to each person. Compatability I suppose.


Just soome of my many many thoughts around this whole issue,


peace
Beccy


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#132731 - 01/19/07 07:47 PM Re: SA by a woman
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
So much of these posts is so familiar.
The first perp in my life was my mother. I guess it was "covert incest" which is when caregivers use the guise of childcare to abuse (bathing, dressing, etc). She stopped most of it when I was about 11 maybe. She's kind of like the mother on the tv show "Everybody Loves Raymond", she even looks like her, and is dominating, controlling.


In 6th grade I realized I was excited by guys, while my guy friends were all going girl-crazy.

Some of my best friends in high school and college were girls/women, but I was terrified of any physical contact, and the thought of being naked with a woman. A couple of times they'd want to be more than friends and I just froze up. I'd feel like such jerk, and I was, because I'd become their friend, but wasn't out about being gay, so they thought I was rejecting them.
When I was 18 I met this girl, also 18, who was only in town for the summer. She made it clear she was ready to hop in the sack, and I just froze up. I wasn't attracted to her, but if I hadn't been so filled with shame and fear I could have explored straight sex with out a lot of strings attached. But I was so hung up/scared/terrifed, etc. -and she wasn't being aggressive at all.

It took me a long time to learn that sex isn't supposed to be something you "do" to someone, have "done to you", or "get" from someone.

I think my fear of intimacy with women is a result of my mother. I sometimes wonder how my sexuality would have unfolded if I hadn't experienced CSA. I wonder if my mothers abuse set me up for perp #2 who came along when I was about 11, he was an older kid in my neighborhood.

I've never had sex with a women, or had any kind of sexual contact or kissing. I think I'd like to experience it, out of curiosity ,but I doubt I could "perform". Why should I be so freaked out?
I've had a few female friends that I could've imagined being married to, starting a family, growing old together. Everything except the sex.

There was a time when I was acting out with men, i.e. cruising for anonymous sex. More often then not it was me servicing them, I wouldn't actually be aroused, later I might fantasize about them. That's probably a whole another post/thread.

I haven't confronted my mother. In the past 3 years since I realized what she had been doing to me, I've distanced myself some. I used to call everyweek, and visit once a month, now I don't. She senses something is wrong. We only talk about general topics (the weather, etc). I don't know if/when/how I'll confront her, or what difference it will make (she'll deny it was abuse I think and say something like 'that's the way things were back then" or some shit). But why should she live out her life thinking her actions didn't hurt me?

I'm sorry this post is all over the place, not trying to hijack the thread with my stuff, haven't had any coffee yet this morning.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#132732 - 01/20/07 12:24 AM Re: SA by a woman
Koveri Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 80
Loc: Dallas, TX
Cedric,

I don't know how I missed your comments from Dec 9 and your response to me. I'm sorry I never wrote back. This is one subject (abuse from females) that I would truly like to know more about. I've read dozens of books about abused boys, and although I was also abused by men, there is so little about the effects from abuse by women. And the results are VERY DIFFERENT, I believe. Before I make my comments, I'll try and answer your questions.

"Did you always feel like you were attracted to women?" If you mean sexually, I was NEVER EVER attracted to them. However, boys were always a mystery to me, my mother raised me pretty much as a girl and most of my friends were girls. But just like you, as SOON as they wanted more than friendship, I would turn and run. I really don't like being kissed by a woman, even my 96 year old grandmother; it is so sickening.

My other female abusers were a babysitter when I was 5-6 and my mother when I was 13-17. Like your mother, she would always find 'logical' reasons to have her hands down my pants or to be naked around me.

"How is your relationship with your sister now?" Pretty distant. We never communicate and when we see either other we say very little. Also we are ALWAYS in mixed company. I have never been alone with my sister since she stopped raping me at 12. I wrote her a letter when I was about 25 about the abuse because I was experiencing a crisis in understanding my sexual orientation; not wanting to be gay but having overwhelming urges that direction. I mentioned this in my letter. She wrote back admitting what had happened, but said she wasn't going to take responsibility for any of MY problems. That I was erect at the time, so was obviously enjoying it. And I was making much too big a deal out of it. So, confronting your perp is not always the best thing to do. So, at 25 I realized that if sexuality was going to have any part in my life, it would have to be gay sex.

I still can not emotionally bond well with another man. Maybe because 90% of my encounters are anonymous. Out of a hundred lovers, I think I only know the last name of one of them. Like you, I am always the passive one. I don't know how I could ever stand penetrating a woman or man.

Again, I am sorry for the long delay in answering. Thanks Galapogos for bring this back up.

Koveri


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#146378 - 03/21/07 11:51 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: Koveri]
istrong Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/20/07
Posts: 79
Loc: CT
I was also abused by a women, at 14. I can tell you that it deffinetly dictated what I find attractive in women, the exact opposite of my abuser. Also I have not been able to ejaculate since the event,(wich was 5 years ago) at least not with a women, and Im not sure Im comfortable with the idea of haveing sex with another man. I feel that the event affected my love/sex life more than any other part of my life, maybe because I was entering puberty, not sure.

_________________________
"Go then, there are other worlds than these"
-John 'Jake' Chambers

I'd rather be above the grass than below it.

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#146391 - 03/21/07 02:29 PM Re: SA by a woman [Re: istrong]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11088
Loc: Denver, CO
One of my abusers was my mother. I've had ugly issues with women because of her. I hardly ever found them sexually attractive until recently, when some remote feelings have come up. I've felt like a stunted 10yo all these years.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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