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#132658 - 11/10/06 08:34 PM How many men left their wives/girlfriends to be gay and returned later?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
hi,

Just a question....I'm just wondering and imagining different outcomes.... IF my husband ever decides he thinks he is gay, I will have to say that will be a deal breaker or at least get us separated.

My question to you all is, are there any of you who left your marriage (or relationship with a female) because you thought at the time you were gay, only to return or realize later that it was your csa issues causing you to think you were gay, and you ended up returning to a heterosexual relationship w/ your former wife or at least a female? Just wondering how likely this is to happen or if it is common at all.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#132659 - 11/11/06 05:10 AM Re: How many men left their wives/girlfriends to be gay and returned later?
Koveri Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 80
Loc: Dallas, TX
Brokenhearted,

I think a lot of it depends on the situation. I know some guys who never really WANTED to be a part of the gay community but felt that, for whatever reason, they were sexually attacted to other men and feel compelled to expressed that attraction. I know several who claim they have returned to exclusive heterosexual lifestyle, but only those who really WANTED to change AND their wife/girlfriend were willing to help him change. Many people don't believe that sexual orientation can't be change. I think the term is a misnomor. Hell, people can be whatever they WANT to be. No one has the right to say someone else can't change; sexual orientation or otherwise. I'm gay because I've always wanted to be. But if I want to change, no one is going to stop me. My CSA profoundly influenced who I am today. But if there is somethings I don't like in my life (and there are plenty do to the CSA) then I work on changing them. If whoever broke your heart would prefer to stay with the heterosexual crowd (as opposed to the bisexual crowd), then he should look for whatever ways he can find to change and you can make his change easier or harder by sticking by his side or leaving him.

Koveri


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#132660 - 11/11/06 09:54 PM Re: How many men left their wives/girlfriends to be gay and returned later?
Russ2 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 77
Thank you so much for posting on this very important topic.

Koveri, you are not gay because you've always wanted to be. That type of thinking is part of the myth and misinformation spread by those who refuse to believe that homosexuality is, in fact, a true sexual orientation. Homosexuality is not a behavior which can be chosen or changed. It isn't a behavior at all. I believe you when you say you have always wanted to be gay, but that isn't the reason you are gay.

Brokenhearted, your husband may be gay or he may not be. His only choice in the matter will be whether or not he decides to live openly and honestly, or maintain some other behavior or facade which would be less than authentic.

Take care,
Russ


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#132661 - 11/11/06 11:24 PM Re: How many men left their wives/girlfriends to be gay and returned later?
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
I would recommend your husband talk with a therapist who has good experience in sexual orientation issues and male sexual victimization. Many men I work with have confusion over their interest/attraction to penises and their relationship with the wife/girlfriend is complicated by the contamination that abusive sex has with the safe, relationship sex.

It is a complex situation and if his departure to test the waters is a deal breaker for you, he may find that he made a wrong choice and can't come back. He should make a committment to therapy with someone like above and explore his issues in depth.

There are professional organizations with members who are specialists in sexual issues. Do a web search for AASECT (Amer Assn of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists), SSSS (Society for the Scientific Study of Sex), or SSTAR (Society for Sex Therapy and Research). There may also be other orgs I'm not aware of that could be helpful.

Urge your husband to give counseling a try and not make what may be a serious mistake. You can always split after all is said and done if it doesn't work after sincere effort.

Ken


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#132662 - 11/11/06 11:24 PM Re: How many men left their wives/girlfriends to be gay and returned later?
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Brokenhearted,

It's complicated here. I was in the closet for 38 years, but never acted on my homosexuality...never intended to. Then my mother died, and I came roaring out of the closet. I thought I had probably been protecting her. Thought I'd leave home and live a gay lifestyle and then the memories of abuse hit. Guess I was protecting her from that took, since it was my father. Then I was really confused. Didn't know who I was or what or anything. That all happened six years ago. I still think I'm proabably gay, but my wife and I have decided that we want to stay together. We have kids, grew up together in the same little town. Our lives really are one life. Plus, I have never been able to quite determine whether I'm straight or gay. If I'm really gay, why haven't I ever had to act on it? Wish now I'd stayed in the closet. After you come out, however, you can't ever say, "just kidding". Do you think I'm confused?

Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#132663 - 11/12/06 12:46 AM Re: How many men left their wives/girlfriends to be gay and returned later?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Interesting replies. Right now, my husband is not ready to talk to anyone about anything...still perhaps in denial that his abuse was abusive if you know what I mean. So it's way down the line anyway, but I understand how one can be confused sexually by abuse and have an inkling that may be what he's going through, though he's denied that he thinks he is gay, but I think maybe he's too embarrassed to admit it even if he wondered about it. Really I think he is just that, confused. He has said, "I don't know what I want..." I will continue this thread in a topic titled denial...

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#132664 - 11/13/06 10:20 AM Re: How many men left their wives/girlfriends to be gay and returned later?
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Brokenhearted, I had a gay affair about 12 years ago you can read about it, How Ug the caveman got confused by a gay guy! Feel free to ask questions about it.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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