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#132654 - 11/06/06 06:38 PM Inability to relate (possible triggers)
NYCBaseballNut Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/23/06
Posts: 3
Loc: New York
I just got back in touch with my ex. A wonderful woman who is a victim of my BS.

I was abused when I was 12. It went off and on for 2 years. I acted out whenever I could from 12 to say 28. I never felt really good about it, not the way I felt when I was with women. I felt inadequate as a kid, I feel inadequate now, with body issues (always overweight) and penis-size issues, even though no one has ever complained.

I am 35 now. Went through weight loss (happiest time) only to gain it back. For the last few years I have been feeling these strong attractions to men. I know I don't want to act on them. I know if I fellate another man I would want to throw myself off a building. The feelings have made me suicidal in the past. Being out with her saturday, I would look at men. Everyone looked so good, and I am still so fat and disgusting. I saw one particular young man who upon spotting him I felt this wave of heat course through my body. I couldn't believe I still did this. I did get aroused by flirting with my ex, and a little affection (first time in over a year we saw each other) but this obsession stands in the way of everything I try to build in my life. The voice in my head keeps telling me I am gay, but some rational part of me recognizes what this is, yet it does NOT get any easier. While during our relationship I did share my abuse and past activity, I don't share what is going on now. My therapist and I have concluded that I am obsessed with my own body, and want the bodies of others. Sex is the way I can unite with that. While I buy that, it doesn't make it any easier.

I have started losing weight again, but it's not getting any better. As an aside, the only straight sex thoughts that really touch me as deeply is the idea of sex with married women. Been there, done that, and I also know how unhealthy that is for all parties. the idea of a real relationship just terrifies me.

In any case, I know I have a long way to go. Any advice? Very depressed here, despite the meds.

_________________________
Guy falls in a hole.He can't get out.His friend walks by,'Hey, can you help me out?'
Friend jumps in the hole.First guy says,'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.'Friend says,'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.' "

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#132655 - 11/06/06 10:10 PM Re: Inability to relate (possible triggers)
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
What do you fantasize about when you masturbate?

Ken


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#132656 - 11/07/06 05:05 AM Re: Inability to relate (possible triggers)
NYCBaseballNut Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/23/06
Posts: 3
Loc: New York
Mostly women. When I find myself disconnected to them I may switch to men, usually accompanied by gay porn. I often go back to encounters in my past, powerful ones. Sure there were women, but if all else fails I will fantasize about my abuse or a guy I fooled around with years ago which produced some powerful reactions and orgasms. The general pattern I find is that I go to my past a lot.

I do it compulsively.

_________________________
Guy falls in a hole.He can't get out.His friend walks by,'Hey, can you help me out?'
Friend jumps in the hole.First guy says,'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.'Friend says,'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.' "

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#132657 - 11/07/06 02:45 PM Re: Inability to relate (possible triggers)
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Fantasies may be desires for situations that have not occurred (i.e., getting it on with a movie star), or they can be replays of things that actually happened (maybe with some extras thrown in).

Often, the replays have more power (even when of abusive situations) because they were real with real physical contact, sights, smells, tastes, sounds (our 5 senses) and that is magnified by the physical sensations of arousal and possible orgasm.

That's one reason why survivors go back to abuse themes and can't fantasize about the unknowns as well. Also, sex and abuse is sometimes contaminated and the opportunity for sex with a consensual and safe partner feels scary.
Ken


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#140642 - 02/07/07 05:53 PM Re: Inability to relate (possible triggers) [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
jkj Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/05/07
Posts: 7
Is is possible to look at men, appreciate their looks and bodies, and not sexualize it?
I have had periods in my life where I have been overweight, but even now at a more normal weight, I still feel fat and notice and perseverate on what I see as all of my physical flaws. When I see men who are physically attractive I look at them, sometimes gaze a bit too long. I know some of it is because I feel inadequate and unattractive myself. But am I admiring or fantasizing? I've thought that it must mean that I'm gay, but in reality can I admire without wanting to have sex and sexualize my thoughts? I am only recently discovering these links between my sexual identity and abuse, but finding that lots of other guys have very similar experiences and problems.

NYC - Don't give up.


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