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#132642 - 11/01/06 06:16 PM asexuality
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
hey guys. I wanted to ask some questions about asexuality, having no desire for sex with another person. For a little bit now, I have wondered if this is maybe the right "label" for me. I didn't really realize it, but I used it to describe myself to a friend who was inquiring about me. Anyways, although I struggle with addictive, fetish-like behavior with homosexual pornography, in a lot of ways, I feel like I have gotten better in my recovery. Also, for quite some time now, I realize that this aspect of my life is directly connected to some of the abuse and events in my childhood. Other than this element, I have absolutely no attraction to any men in my life, or elsewhere. I don't fantasize about men in my life, I don't look on them with lust, etc...it's usually just something that happens sporadically in an episodic, binge mode. I've never had sex (with anybody), I definitely do not desire sex with another male in reality, and I've had the opportunity and didn't do it, nor did I want to. All of my experiences with homosexuality have been non-intimate fetishes that, when I was a lot younger, use to happen more frequently but now don't happen nearly as often. Somnaphilia, frotteurism, and pornography are pretty much the only things I have experienced. I have never ever in my life had a "romantic" interest in other men, never felt like I could identify with the homosexual community, and never had a desire to live a homosexual lifestyle. It's just the mechanics of gay porn that seem to attract me in emotional ways because I have scars that need to be healed.

Also, I am attracted to women, both romantically and sexually, although on a lower level sexually, but again, I really don't have a desire to actually have sex. I have also enjoyed looking at straight porn, and lesbian porn, although not as strongly as gay porn.

But in the real-world, I hate sex. I hate sexuality. If it were up to me, we would have a sexless world. I hate the sexual aspects about myself and even the "fantasy" of it. Often, after I had looked at porn, especially last year when I looked at video clips for the first time, it was kind of a wake up to reality. The still pictures or more fantasy, the video clips kind of showed me the silliness of it all, and that it definitely wasn't something I would be interested in. This is not to say that the images didn't affect me, or that I don't feel an urge to look at it again, but that ultimately, I felt oversexed and disgusted with the whole thought of looking at the stuff more than "once in a while".

Do you think that asexual is maybe the best way to identify myself to...myself?

_________________________
-
Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

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#132643 - 11/01/06 08:07 PM Re: asexuality
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
I don't know if I'd use the term "asexual". To me, that would be more of a complete lack of interest in anything sexual. The fact that you look at porn and (presumably) masturbate to it, says the desire is there but the follow-through is overwhelmed by fear of sexual contact.

The non-person attraction sounds like an unfortunate consequence of the abuse. Working in therapy to feel safer in sexual situations may be a way to work through this barrier.

Just my opinion from a distance,
Ken


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#132644 - 11/02/06 03:54 AM Re: asexuality
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3390
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
not sure if this will help any - but I do very much understand your feelings... - for me... - It's been over 10 years since I've had sex - even before that I was never the one to start things going - it always had to be the other person that started it - for many years I kinda thought of myself as asexual - but with the help of Ken and others here over the last few years I've come to understand that a lot of what I struggle with in sexuality is directly related to what was done to me as a child - being sexualy abused by a male and having a mother who was physicaly and emmotionaly abusive has made it very hard for me to trust a man or woman enough to open up to them sexualy

keep talking about your feelings - through talking you may just find the base of your fears and find ways to overcome them

Take good care of yourself,

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#132645 - 11/02/06 07:26 PM Re: asexuality
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Scott, TJ,

Sexual abuse is indeed what happened to us...our sexuality was abused. I would suppose...I do have to suppose, because I was so intimidated by anything sexual when I was growing up...that in a "normal" world, we would have grown up liking and lusting after boys or girls. I know that a lot of what the other boys talked about was bravado and what they wished would have happened, but because of the confusion of it all, I never felt comfortable even feeling sexual.
It's strange that I was able to function "normally" for that number of years and then when I started really working on my recovery all of these other fears and doubts have crept in.
I really must have pushed a lot of this crap down because I remember when I eagerly looked forward to going home from school or work, having dinner and a short evening with my wife and jumping into bed for a night of cuddling, massaging and sex.
That's something that I look forward to, again, working through what happened to me so that I can get back to my wife and our life together.
I can almost point to those specific events in my childhood which have kept me at bay from myself and my life as a happy, fulfilled sexual being.
Yes, a good thread, thank you for starting it.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#132646 - 11/12/06 04:39 AM Re: asexuality
Fragmented Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/11/06
Posts: 4
I think I may be asexual. The only reason I really have a desire to have sex in the future is for the sole reason of having children. It's what I look forward to most in life. Then there's always adoption, which I've thought for years would always be what I end up doing. I'm not interested in sex. That's the definition of being asexual, isn't it?


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#132647 - 11/12/06 07:28 PM Re: asexuality
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i puled up the definition

Asexuality is a general term or self-designation for people who lack sexual attraction or otherwise find sexual behavior unappealing. There is debate as to whether this is a sexual dysfunction or a sexual orientation; furthermore, there is disagreement over the exact definition of the word. The term is sometimes used as a gender identity by those who believe their lack of sexual attraction places them outside the traditional definitions of gender. There has been little research done on asexuality, but those studies that have been conducted suggest that, if it is a sexual orientation, it is among the least common.

There is continuing disagreement over whether asexuality is a legitimate sexual orientation. Some argue that it falls under the heading of hypoactive sexual disorder or sexual aversion disorder. Among those who do not believe it to be an orientation, other suggested causes include past sexual abuse,[1] sexual repression (of homosexuality, heterosexuality, or bisexuality), hormonal problems, delayed development, sublimation of sexuality for personal, religious or cultural reasons, or simply not having met the right person.

Many self-identified asexuals, however, do not believe that such diagnoses apply to them. Others assert that because their asexuality does not cause them distress it should not be viewed as a disorder. Those who believe that asexuality is not pathological sometimes point to the fact that similar things have been said about homosexuality and bisexuality, which are now viewed by some as legitimate orientations. Alongside this is the debate as to whether the term 'asexual' is an accurate term, given its use in biology to describe a species that reproduces from a single member, whereas in this context pertains to an organism not reproducing at all.

Because of this lack of research on the subject, there is little documented evidence in favor of either side of the debate.

There are differences among people who identify as asexual, chiefly among them the presence or absence of a sex drive or romantic attraction. Some experience only one of these, while others experience both, and still others neither. There is disagreement as to which of these configurations can genuinely be described as asexual. While a number of people believe all four variations qualify, many others believe that to be asexual, one must lack a sex drive, romantic attraction, or both.

The sex drive of those asexuals who have one is usually not directed at anything, and is only an urge for sexual stimulation or release; one exception is those asexuals who are also fetishists, whose sex drive is focused on the fetish object rather than a person (though many fetishists do not identify themselves as asexual). In either case, the level of sex drive can range from weak to strong, and from rare to frequent. As mentioned above, some identify as asexual yet feel sexual attraction, though some would argue that they are not asexual. Some asexuals may experience sexual feelings, but have an aversion to sex or no desire to act on them, while others seek sexual release through sexual contact.

For those asexuals who experience feelings of romantic attraction, it can be directed towards any sex or sexes. These asexuals generally desire romantic relationships (ranging from casual liaisons to marriage) but often do not want these relationships to include sexual activity. Because of their romantic orientation, some asexuals describe themselves as gay, bisexual, or straight asexuals; this is related to the concept of affectional orientation.

Those asexuals who do want romantic relationships are in a difficult position, as the majority of people are not asexual. Asexuals able to tolerate sex can pair up with non-asexuals, but even then their lack of attraction or desire can be psychologically distressing to their partner, making a long-term romance difficult. Asexuals who cannot tolerate sex must either compromise with their partners and have a certain amount anyway, give their partners permission to seek sex elsewhere, have sexless relationships with those few who are willing, date only other asexuals, or stay single.

Some asexuals use a classification system developed (and then retired) by the founder, David Jay, of the Asexual Visibility and Education Network [1], one of the major online asexual communities (abbreviated as AVEN). In this system, asexuals are divided into types A through C: a Type A asexual has a sex drive but no romantic attraction, a Type B has romantic attraction but no sex drive, and a Type C neither. The categories are not meant to be entirely discrete or set in stone; one's type can change, or one can be on the border between two types. Note that AVEN itself no longer uses this system, on the basis that it is too exclusive, but a number of asexuals still feel it is a useful tool for explaining their orientation.

Note that asexuality is not the same as celibacy, which is the deliberate abstention from sexual activity; many asexuals do have sex, and most celibates are not asexual.


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#132648 - 11/21/06 03:03 AM Re: asexuality
AHouseDivided Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/19/06
Posts: 4
Loc: Washington DC
This is the first time Iíve written to MaleSurvivor and I hope it will help someone.
I too am an asexual. It is certainly not by choice. I wasnít this way before I got into recovery. Itís seems that ever since I discovered I was sexually abused as a child, my libido has decreased and now itís pretty much tanked. Iíve had male and female abusers- sort of an equal opportunity victim and Iíve recovered memories of oral and anal sex in my recovery process.

At first I didnít know whether being asexual was due to the many operations I have had- as the abuse gave me gonorrhea and that left a lot of damage. Every time Iíd had an operation, thereĎs been a prolonged period of impotence. Or whether it was due to the fact that I am recovering from the abuse. Or whether it was from the drugs I take for my depression. Or whether it was from the fact that I was getting messages that I was gay.

A few years ago, I started trance work with my therapist. It took me a long time to trust him as I didnít trust anyone- not even me. Once I became able to go deep into trance, I started recovering memories of sexual abuse and met up with my inner children. I have three of them now. Little Jimmy, the main guy, Linda- who was created to store the memories of a lot of the abuse and most recently Karen, who is my sexual side.

Anyways, I have continued to do trance the last few years and sexuality is the big item thatís keeping me from where I want to go in this recovery process. Along the way, gayness was dealt with and I longer get messages from my inners kids about being gay.

My conscious mind wants to be sexual - but Linda, the one who experienced the most abuse, does not - and sheís running the show. She told me so in no uncertain terms. Every time I talk to Linda about it- she asked me why I want sex.

Karen has briefly appeared and sheís very sexual and ready to rumble, but she canít be prime while Linda is here. That much has been made clear in my trance sessions. So my task is to nurture Linda so that she can tell her story and integrate those memories into my conscious mind.

Iíve tried masturbation recently, but the results are not what I want. Sometimes I can climax, but each time it takes so much effort to get over the top that it seems Iíll never make it. Climaxing was much easier before. Linda again - killing the nerve messages which she admits.

This story has no end for it is a work still in progress. I have found that I need to keep trying to recover. I like to believe my asexuality is temporary until Iíve discovered enough of Lindaís story so that she doesnít feel she needs to hide it. It has taken me quite awhile to nail down the fact that the asexuality is just part of my recovery process. Itís not the drugs, the operations or the fears about being gay.

_________________________
Jim

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#132649 - 11/21/06 03:37 AM Re: asexuality
Koveri Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 80
Loc: Dallas, TX
Jim,

At least consider that the drugs play a part. I know as soon as I started anti-depressants I was (and still am) unable to acheive orgasm, although with a lot of time and effort a mild ejaculation is sometimes possible. I read on the side-effect of the meds I take that "sexual dysfunction" is one of the possible side-effects.

I'll be routing for Karen.

Koveri


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#132650 - 11/23/06 05:23 PM Re: asexuality
AHouseDivided Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/19/06
Posts: 4
Loc: Washington DC
Thanks for the info, Koveri. I too have wondered about the sexual side effects of Wellbutrin, my anti-depressant drug, so I did an experiment. I went off it for a month and nothing about my libido changed. I finally had to go back on due the emergence of a lot of negativity. I'm not sure that a month is long enough, as I didn't find any info on how long it takes to regain sexual capability when the drug was actually causing the lack of desire. Iíve mentioned the issue to my psychiatrist who manages my meds, but he didnít offer much other than to say Wellbutrin is the drug with the least side effects.

My experience with orgasm seems to be like yours. When I first stimulate my penis, there is no sensitivity but after a minute or so the nerves become ďawakeĒ and continued stimulation has the desired erection effect. Sometimes, the erection just fades upon continued stimulation and sometimes it continues to the plateau. When I can get over the top it feels like it is such an effort to get over the top- and it feels I can stop the the ejaculation even after I feel Iíve reached the point of inevitability. Weird. It wasnít this way before I found out about the abuse. When I do orgasm, it is mild Ė the pumping is not as strong as it used to be. Sometimes, I canít even feel Iíve ejaculated.

I do know Linda believes she is interfering with the messages that have to happen for having good libido. When I have gotten her to at least tolerate my efforts at masturbation, I have finally been able to have an orgasm. When I first started, and without working with her on it, there was hell to pay- sleepless nights, and a real bad case of restless legs- which started the same night. Since Iíve been working with her, Iíve not had the restless legs or really sleepless nights right after a successful masturbation. It is getting better but it very slowly getting better.

I don't know of another way to determine if the drug is having an effect other than to work with her to get her memories out in the open and integrate them into my conscious mind. Once I do that, I feel Iíll be better able to access the effect of the drug. Iím also hopeful that when that happens, Iíll be finally able to go off the drug.

_________________________
Jim

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#132651 - 11/24/06 02:27 AM Re: asexuality
Koveri Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/06
Posts: 80
Loc: Dallas, TX
One similarity I find here is that I didn't have any problems before my abuse memories started to haunt me about a year. So, that was also when I started taking Fluoxetin. In fact, before the PTSD, I had the opposite problem of coming too soon. At that time I could go from dead nothing to orgasm in about 2 minutes. I don't know if I'll ever be back to sexual 'normality' (whatever that is). I might as well become a monk.

Koveri


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