Iíll start off by saying Iím not sure if I should be posting on malesurvivor or not (I have my own reasons for posting on this particular forum) but I guess I need help in thinking about this so maybe if this isnít the right place someone can tell me where to go.
Iím not posting about CSA. I have some but the incidents were so slight that I donít feel theyíve ever really controlled me. I am writing about non-consent or betrayal experienced as an adult. Iím just not really sure how to think about this and if I should call it rape or not. It wasnít violent and not nearly as horrific as most of the stories and experiences Iíve read about here but itís still bothering me.
Actually, I feel that this shouldnít be getting to me as much as it has been but I guess it also makes sense that it does because of the context. My partner has been my main source of support in affirming a very core identity that very few others see. She also crossed some serious boundaries with me.
I just donít understand it. She always took such a strong anti-rape stand, even going as far as to say this guy who talked about penetration when doing SM play with a woman who had a boundary against penetration was a rapist. The act didnít happen but was talked about and she said he was a rapist for it.
She had always checked for consent before performing penetrative sex on me (and before I had always consented). But one morning when she expressed interest in sex I said ďwe probably shouldn't do that.Ē (I wanted to sleep more before going to work.) It was a weak no and a conditional no. I had boxers on. I never removed them and neither did she but she moved them over and penetrated me. I can remember thinking ďthis is really fucked upĒ but was frozen and couldnít do anything. I couldnít even say anything. I guess more than anything I feel that she broke my trust.
Iíll think that I gave a weak no or a conditional no and that I should have given a stronger no and if I had this wouldnít have happened. But I donít think I possibly could have seen this coming because of how strongly she spoke against rape. (She is also a survivor.) Iíll also think that she really loves me and wouldnít do anything to hurt me so Iím overreacting. Or that if she didnít intend to hurt me again I must be overreacting. Sometimes I get mad at her for what she did. I think where Iím at with it now is that she crossed boundaries because she thought Iím a horny guy who could not say no to sex.
After she pulled out and I said, ďwoah, that actually really wasnít ok,Ē we talked about it a little bit, and then she told me I should get going to work, threw my clothes at me and told me I was ďtoo cute for [my] own good.Ē
I just donít really know how to think of this situation, or what to call it other than sexual non-consent. Iíve read the definition of abuse and donít think I can call it that because I donít see where the imbalance of power comes in. And itís not like it was violent or anything. Itís just that it was so fast and sudden and is really I guess a breaking of trust more than anything else. I go crazy if I try to think about or define it. Any thoughts?