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#132618 - 10/23/06 06:38 PM Just what am i
all getting too much Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/23/06
Posts: 1
Loc: Suffolk, England
I have just recently attempted suicide, fortunatley i am ok now. However, the burning issue still remains. I am a married man, love my wife unconditionally, we had a fantastic marrage until recently. I have found my self spiraling out of control down a big black hole. I don't feel very good about myself atall, and recently have started looking at gay porn on the internet. My wife is aware of this, and justifiabley is very upset. I honestley don't feel gay, as I don't get aroused with these pictures, only i do admire them, I am not a very masculine man, everybody keeps reminding me of that almose everyday, by saying things like, i look as if i have just left school, or calling me babyface. I am not very impressed by my body image, and feel that by taking the safe option of flirting with men and looking at pics of men my confidence could be rebuilt, but that seems to be a load of old cobblers. I have never had a gay experiance and have no desire to, however my wife, understandabley is now really confused. I don't want to cause her anymore harm, or myself. Is it possable that I could just be obsessing over mens bodies cause that is what i want to be like.


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#132619 - 10/23/06 07:59 PM Re: Just what am i
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
First, stop beating yourself up. If you are indeed a survivor of abuse - which is, I'm assuming why you are here - the whole same sex attraction thing is all wrapped up in that. If you don't feel gay, I'd take it as a pretty good sign that you aren't. Many of us on here have complex sexual identity and attraction issues because of the abuse. It's so common that it is almost assumed that as a survivor one is going to have these issues. You aren't alone. You aren't some pervert, you are like many of us here - struggling to deal with what happened to us. It's complex and difficult. Ask any guy here.
I can only suggest that you get a therapist and start working on the whole picture. It saved my marriage. My wife was hurt as well, but now that I am working on it, is very supportive and has stuck by me.
I think your assesment of using it as a confidence building thing could be fairly accurate, but I don't know, not being a T.
Take care of yourself. Cut yourself some slack and be easier on yourself.
Hang in there.
Paul


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#132620 - 10/24/06 04:00 AM Re: Just what am i
Lars Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/24/06
Posts: 9
Loc: Wisconsin
I was in the same boat....began surfing and my wife discovered it. It was devistating, extremely embarassing and I felt like absolute shit. I'm still struggling but am starting to feel some what reassurred that I am not abnormal with these feelings because of the abuse and more assuring to me, is that these emotions don't mean that I'm gay.


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#210302 - 03/12/08 02:51 PM Re: Just what am i [Re: Lars]
JT's the Man Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/21/08
Posts: 41
Kudos to what Paul said!!! it's all wrapped up in the abuse.

In the same boat here as well!
JT


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