A week ago i found out that my cousin killed himself. I stayed with him last year for a week or so. I really liked him. He were a friendly family man. One night he asked me to stay up late and watch some porno with him. I told him that i knew where that will go and thats not a good place in my mind. I walked by later that night only to see him in an excited state. I left the room and we did not talk about it again. I felt bad - like i did something - bad. I gave myself 27 cuts but they are healing fast. Every time i give in it gets worse. I know i have to stop this. I will tell my psychotherapist. I took a shower a night ago in a trailor park. There were only one hot shower and the guy stepped out to let me in. He watched me as i undressed and then even reached into the shower to show me how to use it. I did not ask his help nor tried to talk to him. This bothers me a lot. I get hiy on by weird men a lot - am i doing something wrong?

Liam,

I'm so sorry about the loss of your cousin. I hope you continue to cherish the good memories you have of him.

On the incidents you mention, no, you are doing nothing wrong. But there are a few things going on here that you might want to think about.

The first is that sexual encounters do occur in our lives, regardless of whether we are ready for them or not. If we aren't and get triggered by them, then our feelings of shame, embarrassment or whatever, can easily cause us - as survivors - to wonder what's wrong with us and where did we go wrong.

The answer is we didn't do anything wrong! We don't have to blame ourselves. It wasn't your fault, for example, that someone invited you to watch porn with him or that you discovered him aroused later on. These things happen, and so far as I can see you responded in the way that was good for you - you declined to get involved and removed yourself from the situation.

What's interesting is that you didn't do the same thing at the shower in the trailer park. Why not? My guess would be that the first incident was with a friend and was explicitly sexual. You knew the other person and you knew what was going on, so you felt safe in responding. The second incident was entirely different. You didn't know the other man, and who knows, perhaps he was just being accommodating (though I doubt it). That leaves you in an embarrassing and delicate situation that's moving very fast. You weren't sure how to react, so you just let it unfold around you.

Part of the problem there may go back to your childhood. An abused boy learns the false lesson that his needs, feelings and boundaries don't matter, and that even if they do, he is powerless to make sure they are respected. That way of thinking follows us into adulthood, and I wonder if that's what prevented you from reacting as you might otherwise have done. That is, you felt unimportant and powerless in the face of a sudden challenge - and one that was probably sexual to boot.

I hope you won't beat yourself up over these things, and you already know that cutting doesn't solve the problem. I'm very glad you are already committed to talking about all this with your T. He will help you work out strategies for facing such challenges in the future. The thing is to try to stop blaming yourself; these incidents are now in the past and you can't change them. What you CAN do is learn from them, and in a way you can turn a bad experience into a tool that can help you change how you react to similar situations in the future.

Much love,
Larry

Liam,
Sometimes I feel like there's a mark on my forehead that says "Hit on me." It drives me nuts to think that I am so naive or unaware that I don't see situations unfolding that are dangerous for me. Or then I beat myself up and think, maybe I wanted it to happen. I don't want them to happen, but I tend to go to my six-year-old powerless mode and freeze and then freak out after they pass. I know larry is right. There are guys EVERYWHERE who are acting out, or predators, or pathologically sexual and they seek out and look for signs of guys who might be receptive to their advances. I am learning to be more aware of what happens and use bathroom stalls instead of urinals for example. You are showing really good awareness, however, by knowing where watching porn would lead. The fact that you walked in on him when aroused is a common occurence among guys who live together - especially when watching porn. You did everything right. Take care of yourself and have compassion on yourself. None of it was your fault.
Paul

Hi Liam, I can't say anything more than the others, they have done such a good job of it. Also I have never cut myself, so I can't really help there. But the next time the desire to cut comes, could you try talking on here about it instead. Ether in a forum, or in chat.

Take care,
Clifford

Liam,

I like Clifford's suggestion - come talk about it rather than giving in and doing it first. The problem with cutting and other dangerous coping strategies is that they are cyclical: you feel bad, you cut and get temporary relief, then you feel worse because you cut and the cycle repeats itself over and over again. Somehow the circle has to be broken so the survivor can get started on coping and recovery strategies that actually work and are good for him.

Talking about the problem will also help you because you will see that you CAN get back in charge of your life and that plenty of guys are ready to help you do that.

Much love,
Larry

Thanks to everyone who wrote and took the time to respond. I can see myself better through your voice and opinions. Most of it is true and it convicts me of adressing the need to love and be loved in return. I am confused. I wish i had a circle of friends that i can talk to and be honest with at all times. I have a therapist but he comes with a great price. I really feel alone in this at times. My friends told me that i am depressed and i am. I long to find my own voice and understanding and a world where you know freedom and your no ones slave. Not even your own. I will try and vent on here more often. You guys are all that know me for the man i am and the struggles i have. Today a fiend told me that she know about my secret sin. She told me how ashamed she was but she did not want to tell what she knew. Later on she sat down with me for lunch and told my other friend that most men who have a lot of girlfriends are gay and her mission from God is to warn and tell those girls. I know she tells a lot of stories but considering that she runs a dicipleship ministry and is a well respected pastors daughter i am shocked. If its not myself - it's my abusers and if its not them its the church using the name of God. Its kind of ironic when you sit down and they tell you how thankfull they are that God saved them from this or that minor thing and i have to say thank God that all Hell broke loose and i am left to live with it in silence and my only escape from this guilt shame ridden excistense is through written communication online. Yes i am angry - Yes i wondered so many times if the stranger next to me understands as well and yet we are forced to live our lives anonymous and behind these masks. This is not the freedom nor redemtion i long for and desired for so many years allready. There is campaigns for everything and rallys under the sun but try and say that a man can be fragile confused and even abused and all people leave you and once again you are that 6 year old boy who does not understand what your going through. I am pissed at society and the ignorance i am faced with every day. I am bitter that i have to pay to find some redemtion for the hell i am in. I am sad that its not going to end. I have the scars to prove that many times i loose the battle - my prayers are that i may win this war. I am in my thirties single and cant look myself in a mirror, but the wounds does heal when someone whose known me for a long time sits down and tell me that i have the greatest face and beautiful eyes and for a moment the truth relieves me from myself. I long to see what they see - to believe what they believe about me - to allow them to love me. This mail is way to long and it is snowing outside. Thanks again for your heartfelt responses.