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#132574 - 09/15/06 01:33 PM only told my wife last week
understanding12 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/15/06
Posts: 1
Loc: south
When i was around 8 or 9myrs old a man that worked with my dad sexually assaulted me . I was so shocked i could not move i did not protest becuase i was so scared he would hurt me. I never told anyone about this ansd he never touched me anymore. I have had some thought about men i guess for a while now. This has affected me being older now with 2 kids and being married 19 yrs wondering now why it is bothering me so m uch. any advice

_________________________
understanding12

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#132575 - 09/15/06 02:55 PM Re: only told my wife last week
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
understanding,
It's bothering you because it should and it is normal. What he did was horrible and wrong and a crime. Welcome to the club. Sorry you need to be here, but glad you are.

You are on a well-worn trail that thousands of other guys have begun. You will be fine, you are not alone and it wasn't your fault. All easy to say. What he did affected you deeply. I am 46, two kids, married 20 years and just dealing with this really for about 5 months. We all start when we are able.

Post here. listen, read, and enter in when you can. Your first post is the hardest. Good job.
A good therapist will help a lot.
welcome
Paul


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#132576 - 09/16/06 05:02 AM Re: only told my wife last week
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
understanding12,

Welcome to Male Survivor. Take your time and look around. You will see that you are not alone.

Recovery is Possible!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#132577 - 09/16/06 07:46 AM Re: only told my wife last week
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
U-2 x 6,

Just wanted to add my welcome and to say how brave your little 8 or 9 year old was.
When you think about it, all of our little guys were brave. Itís no wonder we didnít grow horns and become hell on earth after the abuse we suffered. I canít imagine that I didnít kill someone; God, the rage that swirled within me. And sexual confusion, that was the worst. For some of us itís a complete distraction, for others of us, a good counselor can work wonders. Good luck to you, Understanding, and again, welcome.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#132578 - 09/16/06 10:25 AM Re: only told my wife last week
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Understanding12,

I'll just add my word of welcome as well. It's good to have you with us and I hope the site can help you.

It sounds like you are asking why what happened should still be troubling you after so many years. The answer is basically that while the physical molestation has ended, the emotional trauma has continued. Abuse doesn't have to be continual or long-term for a boy to suffer devastating effects from it; once is already enough to cause tremendous harm.

Abuse is usually a boy's sudden and utterly traumatic introduction to the facts that not everyone can be trusted and that harm can come to him from any direction at any time. All kinds of questions arise: Why?, Why me?, What does this mean?, Will it happen again?, Do others know?, How can I keep this secret?, and so on. But does a 9-year-old boy have the emotional resources to find the real answers? Absolutely not. In place of those answers he comes up with a lot of judgments and bad feelings about himself, and if these are not addressed in counselling or therapy they will continue on into adulthood.

In short, my friend, you are bothered because you should be. Something terrible was done to you.

It's not easy to come forward to a place like this and post that first post. So well done! I hope you will continue with us and participate as and when you can. You will be supported and understood here, but never judged.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132579 - 09/25/06 10:12 PM Re: only told my wife last week
GBD Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/20/06
Posts: 4
Loc: Atlanta Georgia
My wife and I have been working through the nightmare for the last 5 years now. It came to the surface when Carlos Santana came forward about his abuse. Something he said struck a chord with me and I realized what my brother had done was wrong wrong wrong...for my entire life I had supressed it. I was screwed up, but didn't know what was at the core. I had never told my wife because I think it was so deep that I didn't think it was having an effect on me. She tells me now that she thinks that I was affected because I always seemed angry about everything and took it out on everyone. I started with a therapist and went for 2 years...he helped me w/ some of the anger towards my brother. to make matters worse, when I confronted my brother he said what he did was normal for brothers to do.. ok, I was 8/9 and he was 14/15...I don't agree!!! that was over a year ago...
he disowned me which is fine because I didnt want to be any part of his sick mind.
I have lots of anger and distrust for my mother as well because at the time all of this was going on, she was having an affair with the pastor of the church... and I only learned this at my fathers funeral 2 years ago. So I figured her head was in the clouds and she was not paying any attention to her kids... I have not talked to my Mom in 6 months...since she got married (78 yrs old)..to the love of her life she says... She told me when I asked her about it that she never knew anything happened and she sided with my brother..she even told me she was sorry for what I "thought" had happened to me. What a royal bitch!! It's all about her;she is a total narcissist.

I'm trying to figure out the feelings I have for men... Why do I have fantasies and for 2 years I looked at male porn until my wife found it... She thinks I'm gay and I have tried to explain that I'm not ...I have never acted out.. only in my head. She doesn't understand nor do I. I feel sometimes like I would be better off dead, but love life and don't want to leave my two son's and my wife... SOme days are more difficult than others.

_________________________
GBD

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#132580 - 09/26/06 04:26 AM Re: only told my wife last week
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
GDB,

You raise so many issues here, so I will just pick out a few of particular importance.

The reactions of your abusing brother and dismissive mother are outrageous, of course. It's okay - even normal - for a 15-year-old boy to abuse his little brother? In whose universe? And your mother is "sorry" you "think" you were abused? That's also bullshit but a bit easier to understand. At her age your abuse would be difficult for her to accept, since it would mean she didn't protect you. Still, her reaction is selfish and cruel.

On the sexual confusion and fantasies, man, that is so common among survivors. A young boy is constantly laying down the foundations for what will eventually in adulthood become the boundaries and sensibilities of his vision of sexuality. He needs to do this work, of course, in an environment where he feels safe and important. If instead he is being abused, he will feel ashamed, afraid, guilty and worthless and rather than solid foundations he will be building on confused wreckage. That will remain with him into adulthood in various ways, including all the things you talk about. This is NOT your fault and it's the sort of thing we really need to resolve in therapy.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132581 - 09/28/06 03:26 PM Re: only told my wife last week
GBD Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/20/06
Posts: 4
Loc: Atlanta Georgia
Thank you... What seems to consume me of late is that at this point in my life,51 yrs old,married for 26 years, 2 children later...my life seems more challenging than ever. I seem to get stuck over and over ...trying to get on track. My wife has been more than understanding though she really doesn't understand the magnitude of scarring that is etched in...She goes through cycles of frustration and anger. Part of it is that I don't talk to her about it enough to help her understand. It is totally humiliating for me to think about telling her about fantasy and desire for another man... it was hard enough to tell her about what went on between my brother and I. I know all of what I tell her would be safe but getting over the hump and actually expressing my feelings openly and outloud...I never have done that because I think that I supressed for so long it is like learning a new skill.

Sometimes I feel like am mad all the time, but can't always put my finger on it. My wife says that sometimes she can look at me when I don't notice and she says I look mad or sad...even my son has told her that. I always deny it because I don't always realize. Is it so deep rooted that it is just there all the time?

I have thought recently that I would ask my Dr for something to help with the hopelessness that comes over me. My wife says I'm depressed and I have denied that too...accept that lately I am thinking I just might be. Thanks for this outlet, I feel good that I can discuss my crazy mixed up self to those that totally get it.

_________________________
GBD

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#132582 - 09/29/06 06:20 AM Re: only told my wife last week
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
GBD,

It's difficult to be open and honest about a subject like this; after all, from the very beginning, when we were boys, this was something we had to keep hushed up. But it sounds like your wife would be a good listener and I hope you will be able to establish - step by step - a good solid basis of open and honest communication with her. I know that was vital in my case. At first I died a thousand deaths, of course, and my wife was pretty shocked, I could tell, but it was worth it. I know she knows, and now the two of us can talk freely.

The anger, sadness and feelings of hopelessness do get ingrained in a survivor, and I know from my own experience that until my wife started to remind me I really had no idea how I was behaving. I just didn't see it.

In all honesty, my friend, it is very likely you are depressed. It's nothing to be ashamed about. I didn't like the idea either and denied it for a long time, but man, what a difference it made when I went to the doctor and got some meds that worked for me. I felt like I had reinvented myself. ;\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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