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#132569 - 09/02/06 10:42 PM I was a girl right!
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I wish I was a girl, it was so much harder being a boy, and I never really had any strength left to be a boy, and the only thing I know about boys is the kids I see playing.

I never knew that men did things like that to boys, and my mind was focused on how relationships evolved, and like man likes a woman so he marries her.

He treated me like a girl, so did the others, and something they can take without the world knowing because they issue all the threats, right!

When I was about 14yo, thats all I thought I was good for, a man fucking me, thats as much as I thought I was worth, and it comes back time and time again.

Its part of the biggest hurt that I cannot work out, but maybe its beyond that, I dont really care so much, as it hurt so much, its best left aside,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#132570 - 09/02/06 10:53 PM Re: I was a girl right!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Ste,

I know what you mean, but I'm not sure it's any easier being a girl than it is being a boy. My sister Cathie has VERY strong views on that! ;\)

But in any case you weren't treated like a girl. A girl, like a boy, deserves love, protection and respect.

The issue here is that you and I and the other guys here were treated like things: not important, not safe, not respected, not loved, not wanted except for use and then disposal. I found that discovering this truth hurt more than any of the physical acts of abuse. I think you would agree.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132571 - 09/03/06 07:29 AM Re: I was a girl right!
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 796
Loc: North Texas
Hi Ste, I think because it happened to us long ago, when no one talked about it. We had to come up with our own reason as to why it happened. At first I thought it was because in 1st through 5th grade I would play with the girls, I thought some how that had rubbed off on me, and this older boy thought I was a girl.
Much later when I was in junior high, I heard about homosexuals, and switched to that as the reason why it happened, a homosexual wanted me and just didn't care what I wanted.
I now know that reason is very likely to be wrong. From what I know now, it was very likely to have been a heterosexual, and it likely was not about sex, but about power and control. While I know this, I am having a very hard time understanding this and accepting this with my core being. This site helps. I think reading and replying to the gay guys here helps me to relate to them as people.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#132572 - 09/08/06 09:23 PM Re: I was a girl right!
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Larry, nah, its not easy being a girl I am sure.
This feeling goes back to when I was only ten yo, and thought that being a girl would shake off the abuser, I was sure he didnt like girls.

I suppose it goes down to having a sister who never get whacked like my dad would whack me, so I really wished I could have been a girl.

She had her own bedroom, and if I had my own bedroom, I could cry all night with nobody to hurt me for crying.

Cliff, yes, I was always with the girls in school, they loved me, but when I was abused they became estranged to me almost, then I became a magnet to them, and I dont know why!

This is how 'cookie' I felt as a young boy growing up, and I loved being a boy, but hated to have to continually defend myself from bullies,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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