"choosing to do this", Sunny? I don't think we choose to. I guess we have choice? I don't know. Sometimes it doesn't feel like a choice. It's like the past pushes us into these things. We're just trying to get out from in front of the elephant so we can finally have a choice.

"Having a choice..." That is such a tough phrase. I know what you guys mean. It seems like I have a choice when I act out. I think I am choosing to do it...but then, why in the hell do I feel so bad afterward? I'm supposed to be re-thinking my ideas of myself (that's my new T assignment).

What kind of man do I want to be? I want to be a good man who doesn't seek to medicate with pictures of other naked men. I want to be a good, solid, man of God...and deserving father.

I repeated those things to myself the whole way home yesterday...like a freakin' mantra. But, I had to run there to act out for 20 minutes before I picked my kids up from school. It didn't work. I still did it.

Was it a choice? Today it seems like it. But, yesterday, I don't know. I don't think an elephant...or a herd of them...could have stopped me.

sigh.
tx_space

Sunny,

Perhaps it would be more accurate to speak of succumbing to an overwhelming urge. I remember alcohol being like that for me. It was like a huge surging wave crashing over me, and after getting knocked down so many times it didn't seem to make much sense to resist when I felt it coming yet again. That's of course a bad stage to get to.

I think that's different from making a choice, though when I say that I'm not suggesting I wasn't still responsible for finding a way out of the problem.

Much love,
Larry

Thanks for the feedback guys. Thanks Olaf for the initial post.

Kind of eases the shame and guilt I feel.

Sunny

Sunny,

It's great you are feeling better about those two. Shame and guilt compound each other and can do a survivor so much harm, even though both rightly belong to the abusers and not to us.

Much love,
Larry

Hi everyone,

Just got through Ken's article that he links to above. Tried before but didn't get through it. It's really useful. I think that I "act in" to a scary degree. My therapist (ever so gently) pointed out that it's not typical behavior that when you're frustrated with your wife you hit yourself on the head with a handy telephone. Most people yell at their wives instead. Put that way, it makes sense.

September is a really stressful time at work for me and I've really hit lows in a lot of Septembers for being disassociated and doing scary things. Yesterday was my last day off and alone before the big event starts and I did the whole behavior. I throw away my email accounts and photos every time, so I have to start from scratch, and I shot a bunch of photos and other getting-ready activities and then I set up a meeting with a guy. The usual submissive-hurt me kind of thing. I was ready to walk out the door and I couldn't do it. I emailed him and told him that something had come up at work and I had to bail. He got really angry--surprise, he enjoys beating up and aggressively fucking guys that look like boys--and wouldn't accept my apology. I mean, I understand, I cost him time and everything. What a mess. I don't think he can track me down from an anonymous posting. I guess he could do something with my picture. I better not run for office. That's a joke.

I'm so ashamed. I can't believe I did this again. I can't believe I haven't gotten busted by my wife. If she had a keystroke tracker on either one of the computers I'd be totally screwed, game over.

Anyway, I thought Ken's essay was useful. I used to have some positive intervention behaviors that I'd plan for days that I'd be home alone--go to museums, movies, sit in cafes and read, keep moving. But we got a dog, my wife got a dog. The dog has to be walked. This prevents me from spending the day doing something to keep my mind off it--when I'm home, work can't distract me, I have to do the numbing thing, drinking or video games or something to try to keep from jumping into this sexual self-destructive thing. It's such a tiny, stupid thing. A seventeen-pound dog, and I'm letting it knock me off my stride. I mean, any excuse, anything, and I slide back into this stuff. I could so easily figure out a dozen "intervention" type behaviors to replace what I did before. I guess. I should figure it out.

Thanks. I appreciate everybody's posts. I really appreciate everything you've had to say, Sunny. None of this is easy.

Olaf.

sounds to me like you made a huge big step. You stopped a sexual encounter after you had already decided to go through with it. You stopped it before it started---that takes incredible will power.

Hi Scott,

Thanks. That doesn't feel incredibly valid to me right now, but I hear what you're saying at least. I'm still winning this particular struggle but not by much.

Olaf

Who cares by how much you're winning it? One millimeter ahead of the battle is all you can ask for. You're doing great if you're still coming here and haven't fallen off the wagon yet. Keep it up. Stay connected. Stay safe. Be kind to yourself.
you are so not alone.
Paul

I felt the exact same way. I feel so shameful. I sleep with a guy and then I can't even remember most of it.

Then I ran into an old friend, and for some awful reason we did it. Now I feel horrible.

Why is it so hard to blame the attacker and not ourselves?