I really don't know where to start with this post. I rarely make it through too many other posts before I have to go away, I can't deal with too much of other people's pain.

I was abused by a man when I was about eleven. Only once. My next-door neighbor. I was held down and..... I had no idea what was happening and I blocked the whole experience out. It came back to me the summer before I went to college, all at once. I knew that it had to be true. I saw a therapist at college, who told me that the incident had not marked me deeply, but I had some real issues with my family that I should work on. I thanked him and walked out. Boy, was that a mistake.

My father never abused me sexually, but he abused me in a whole lot of other ways. He beat me with a belt. He slapped me. He made me kneel down in front of him and beg him for forgiveness for whatever I had done wrong.

Now I'm married. I've been with my wife for ten years. I love women. I enjoy walking down the street and seeing them. I love every thing about them and I consider myself straight. I couldn't imagine being in a romantic relationship with anyone but a woman. Probably a woman a lot like my wife, who is caring and understanding and funny and all that great stuff. We'll probably have kids in a couple of years. We'll be great parents.

I've been seeing a therapist for about two and half years. Anger issues. Finally working on all that family stuff. But something opened up inside of me, and last year I started having fantasies that got stronger and stronger. Kneeling down in front of a man, fellating him. Getting held down and.....Getting spanked. Getting slapped. Being helpless, and dominated, and on, and on, and on.

So I went out and did it. Five men now. Each time I really, really hate being there and doing it. I know, it sounds like BULLSHIT. The lady doth protest too much. But I never, ever get it up. I'm scared, and I hate the sensations (although I like getting spanked). But I like getting ready for it. Posing for pictures. I still look young, and thin, and my ass looks good in tighty whities, and I get a total thrill out of sending strangers my pictures, and saying here I am, this boy, abuse me. And I like the end, after the guy's shot. I love that, cuddling with the guy, or just sitting there, appreciated for being thin and helpless and etc. And, when I'm home, I jerk off incessantly about it. I feel used and fucked and I love that.

My body says no, and this need I have to please dominating men says yes. But the need's on top of my animal instincts, overriding them.

The last time was a couple weeks ago. The guy was a really nice guy, but it just got out of control. I thought that we had the scene negotiated pretty well, but he had this thing about choking me. Big man, and he had total control over the whole thing, which was scary and hot. He started choking me again, and I fought it, because I really didn't like that at all. And I passed out, and woke up on his floor. He said seconds later, but it felt like a long time to me. Anyway, this is the really interesting thing to me, the takeaway. Coming up from being passed out, I thought that I wasn't there at all. I thought that I was home, and safe, and it was over, and I never had to do it again. It was a wonderful, lovely, peaceful feeling. Of course, I was pretty shocked to come around on this guy's rug, and I got dressed and got the hell out of there.

I've been walking around with that feeling of being warm and safe and not needing to go get beaten up by large men. The old desires come in on top of that feeling, though. I need to stop. This is not what I need, my body is fighting these behaviors, it knows that this is wrong. My basic sex drive is girls, girls, girls--nobody in my life ever thinks I'm gay. But I've got a dirty little secret. And I really need to stop. I know this isn't safe.

It's pretty clear to me that my sexual abuse as a kid has merged with the psychological/physical abuse from my father. Everything I want from these encounters, everything I really fantasize about, tracks into something that happened in my childhood that I was touched by. I'm stuck in this time somehow, stuck being eleven and scared. I hate it, and I want to stop, and I know that I'll be back typing "submissive" into a certain website's search function soon enough. Like this morning.

Maybe saying all this to you will help. Thanks for your time.

Check out: http://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/singer2.htm
and see if any of these patterns apply to you.
Ken

Strong triggers

Hi Olaf,

I have trouble with my acting "in" although not exactly in the same manner as you. For a combination of reasons that I don’t understand I have had more sex with men than women. I don’t keep count exactly but I know it’s true even though I had girlfriends and was once married to a wonderful lady. Our relationship lasted for twelve years although we were married for four.

I am so confused. Part of me feels that I like women yet another part of me feels submissive and I want to be used as a sex toy or whore for men. Of course the guilt and shame soon follows.

Certain feelings trouble me and I've never admitted it before, even to myself. I think it may be a big part of all the shame I carry with me.

I don’t know how to say this. I think I enjoy having sex with men. +++++++++EDITED OUT AS IT IS A LITTLE TOO SEXUALLY GRAPHIC+++++++++Ken Singer

I’m sorry if I’m too graphic, I was really trying to tone it down. I’m so fucked up. My molesters did a good job turning me into a whore. I hate myself. All I am is a good fuck. I can’t help that I enjoy it. They turned me into a sick animal. I going to go cry now.

Sorry Ken

Gentlemen,
I am so glad that you felt safe enough to share the above comments with us; and just as glad that we all have this place in which to do that kind of sharing.
I am of the opinion that the kinds of sexual "dysfunction" (if that term really fits here) you seem to be describing are not as rare as you might think. A lot of guys, and not just MS members, find themselves swinging back and forth between physical attractions to women and to men.
Some of us, with lots of therapy, can work thru some of the psychological shit, and settle down as essentially straight or essentially gay. And some people can find a sense of "normalcy" or happiness in a bisexual identity.
BUT, Olaf, your physical safety seems to be at great risk just now. Please, be more careful, and do not seek out physical pain/damage.
We care about you here; keep us all posted with how you're doing.
Love, etc.,

Hi surfdude and george,

Thanks for posting. I'm hanging in and staying safe right now. I haven't checked back in a while, but I checked back today instead of..... all that. And I'm glad you posted, it means a lot to me. Peace.

Hi, Olaf:

Your safety is what matters most here IMHO and it might help to confide in one or two trustworthy people who care about you and will look out for you. Make an agreement that you will "check in" with them or they with you on a regular basis to insure that you will not put yourself in danger.

Maybe the forum can serve this purpose for you, at least for now.

Are you seeking therapy?

Your friend,

Joe

hello as my name suggests i have never been abused or raped, i hope you don't mind me taking part in your discussion.

I also have feelings of wanting or needing to be used as a sexual object by men, and have feelings of shame obout this, but i am trying to come to terms with the fact that this might be part of being a man that no one ever discusses. Who am i to say that what you guys are going through is not to do with what is in your past, i don't have anything in my past to put my problems down to though, i hope by me telling you this that you might have more acceptance of some of the feelings you have.

outsider.

As far as we know, there is no "humiliation gene" that causes us to want to be humiliated. Those urges appear to come from our experiences. Behavior such as wanting humiliation re-inactment comes from the way our experiences effect our sexual development. Often we are effected by circumstances of abuse, physical and/or sexual - but other experiences can effect our sexual development as well.

It becomes "At Risk" behavior when the urges are something that interferes with our life by making us unhappy, has become a controlling compulsion, or causes risky behavior - in which case unraveling the urges and their origins, usually in therapy, becomes useful.

Outsider, you may want to consider therapy which can help you understand your feelings and where they came from - even if it isn't the result of CSA - feeling shame from our own urges is not what we need.

Surfdude, I can't agree when you say:
IMO it's more helpful to say "Your molesters caused you to disconnect between sexual behavior and relationships - making you feel like a 'whore' and causing shame/self loathing because your sexual contacts lacked relationship. We enjoy what we are used to."

See, none of that was your fault - and now you have the opportunity to unload the effects of being abused with some help from others.

Olaf and Surfdude - may I suggest you would benefit from use of the "At Risk" forum - email Ken about joining. Everyone there knows what you are going through.

Thanks Thad,

I am trying to understand why I choose to act out in the manner I do. I feel more ashamed of this than the actual abuse because I am choosing to do this compared to having no choice when I was first molested. I will email Ken.

Sunny