so why do i return to the trama so much?????????

Steve,

I think what Ken is telling you is that if an abuse issue remains unresolved and continues to be a source of negative feelings about ourselves, then we keep returning to it with our questions and pain.

Acting out sexually with other men, for example, may address a survivor's feeling that as an abused boy he felt so powerless and helpless; this time, as an adult, he will do the same things again, but now he will at least be in control. Or he may have learned as a boy that submitting to abuse was the only way to fill his need to feel wanted, loved, and important, so now he reverts to this same strategy in order to fill these needs as an adult.

I think what you are asking is "why do I return to the trauma so much when I know this is no good for me and know that afterwards I will feel so ashamed and guilty?" My own suggestion would be that acting out, in this way or by other means, is tangled up in the emotional conflict between the desperate bad feelings we learned as abused boys and the mature reasoned ways of thinking we now have as adults. Our sense of reason doesn't allow us to resolve the intense abuse issues we have (hence the need for therapy), so we are heavily influenced by those old feelings in our search for relief, even if we know in advance that the relief will be only temporary and that afterwards the cycle will just start all over again.

Much love,
Larry

Thanks for that post Larry. You just described my struggle. Before coming to this site, I thought I was the only one who acted out.

You guys are doing so much for me and you have no idea.

justtired,

That's the great thing about a site like this. We discover that so many of the things that shame and trouble us are not unique to ourselves: they show up with lots of other guys having the same difficulties. We aren't alone.

We also discover that we aren't screwed-up freaks: the acting out we do can be traced back to specific origins and by dealing with those causes we can eliminate the need to act out.

In my case, JT, it was alcohol and drugs. One of my teachers in college recognized the cause in my feelings of worthlessness, though he had no idea why I felt that way. So he made me his student assistant and told me I had to get clean in order to keep the job. As he put it, I had to choose: Live my life or lose it. By validating and trusting me he challenged those feelings of worthlessness, and that helped me a lot in overcoming my problems.

I think the same would apply to you. Don't tear yourself up over the acting out - that's part of the cycle and will just encourage more acting out. We are of course responsible for what we do and how we affect others in our lives, but we can't change the past. What we CAN do is learn from the past, preferably with the guidance of a therapist. By identifying the cause of your acting out the problem can, with time, be addressed and eliminated.

Just hang in there, my friend. You are NOT the mess that you think you are!

Much love,
Larry

thanks larry...such depth.....helps me look foreward

Larry - you are the first person, besides my therapist who has said I wasn't the mess I think I am....thank you.

i think larry should be our therapist

That wouldn't work. My fees are payable in cookies and they would get crushed in the post.

Much munching,
Larry