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#132479 - 07/31/06 06:57 PM pornography
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
I started many a sexual fettishes and deviance when I was really young...over the past few years, I have still struggled with homosexual pornography...not everyday, or every month, but sporadically, I have bouts and episodes of binges. I haven't really gotten in to anything other than internet, but I'm scared that I haven't really progressed or gotten better with this struggle...I'm scared that I'll get worse and go into harder, and harder porn. Anyways, I'm attracted to women (although not an animal attraction, I'm way too intimidated by them) and I'm not even overtly sexually attracted to men anymore, it's just the mechanics of the pornography that I've struggled with since I was 13. Has anyone else struggled with these issues?

_________________________
-
Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

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#132480 - 07/31/06 07:05 PM Re: pornography
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
oh man have i!

i once considered myself addicted to porn. i guess as i got stronger, made many mistakes, it slowly lost its power. i found it artificially inflates your drives, opens a person up to things they can't have, and can lead to acting in ways that you dont want. in the end, i just stopped looking.

the problem is i dont think i could have stopped before i did. as my health improved, my perspective did as well. it took that deep change on how i view it before the drive just went away on its own. getting older may have helped too, as my drive as a whole isnt what it once was.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#132481 - 07/31/06 07:10 PM Re: pornography
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Absolutely! Thus my name, ForeverFighting. And it drives me crazy, too. Someone described it as an easy way to feel loved--those guys in porn just opening themselves up to me as the click of a mouse. I find myself looking for what I guess I would call role models. Like if I could be like that porn guy, people would love me and treat me better. Which is all a lie, I know. Because abuse is abuse. I think it's most difficult when we may have actually gotten something out of the abuse--maybe attention nobody else would give us or a weird twisted form of approval, even if the abuser didn't mean a word of it. There are so many reasons gay porn is addictive. I also find a rebellious part of me goes there to escape the horrors of life--kind of like drugs or alcohol. And I've been addicted all my life. If it wasn't available, I'd create it.

The things that have helped me is to be real, feel what I feel and be honest with the people around me about how I feel, so there's no secret person inside trying to escape who eventually takes over and does porn. Secrets kill us inside. It also helps to stay close to people who actually like me for who I am. It helps me to remember than I'm acceptable, that I can be the man who I am. It helps me to stay away from my toxic family.

It's not about sex. In fact, some of the porn grosses me out. It disgusts me. It's about love, and the illusion that there's a guy out there in porn land who loves me enough to say I'm OK and accept me exactly as I am. It's about learning through abuse that sex equals love. And it doesn't.

Hang in there, and don't be too tough on yourself. From my experience, porn is a symptom of a much more troublesome problem. Trust. PM me anytime, OK?

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#132482 - 07/31/06 08:06 PM Re: pornography
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
thanks...I definitely feel like I will NEVER get away from it's power! I mean, again, there are sporadic binges (over the past maybe 7 years, I've fallen to it about 7 times), but before I turned 15, it was like a weekly, or monthly ritual. So it's just like, when will I really lose interest in porn? I've lost interest in many other of my former activities...why is porn still a fight for me?

_________________________
-
Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

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#132483 - 07/31/06 10:25 PM Re: pornography
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I wish I really knew the answer to that one, Scott. My interest in it wanes when I feel like I have control in life. Like I have control over that? I know. All I can say is if you've only fallen 7 times in 7 years, congratulations. I know it's annoying that the same stuff keeps coming up, but really, it sounds like you're doing great.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#132484 - 07/31/06 11:41 PM Re: pornography
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Interesting concept, control. I was thinking of starting a thread like this in the unmoderated section, I think i will, just so the ladies can reply if they want.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#132485 - 08/01/06 12:01 AM Re: pornography
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
bp83,

When I was 15 there was no internet and the hardest porn available was Playboy! But still, I know I was keenly interested in it, even though my abuse had only ended the previous year and sex in general was a frightening subject for me.

I think all teens will be curious, and I know my two kids both indulged their curiosity. I never thought that was a bad thing, so long as it didn't get obsessive. And I did talk to both of them to stress that porn was just exploitive fantasy and NOT what sex was like in real life.

I see porn as problematic for the way it exploits the people who star in it and for the distorted view it gives of sexuality. But that said, it seems to me that the main harm for most of those who look at it is the guilt they feel about indulging in it. I don't think viewing porn - unless it's child pornography - makes one a bad person.

I confess that I don't think a lot about porn and maybe this is an issue I am being too liberal about. This is just how the question looks to me at the moment. I would read a thread on the subject with a lot of interest, mainly because I think I would learn a lot.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132486 - 08/01/06 12:32 AM Re: pornography
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
What is truly amazing is the enormous amount of amateur or "homemade" porn that is out there. It seems that a lot of couples (and singles) want to share pictures of them getting it on. Since it would be difficult to argue that this would constitute exploitation, I wonder how people are interpreting this type of porn?

Personally, I like looking at it, and I am much more comfortable with pictures where all parties (including the viewer) are willing participants than I am with looking at "professional" porn.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#132487 - 08/01/06 01:32 AM Re: pornography
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
once youve been on hhe other side of the camera it kinda loses its appeal, one thing that bothers me ,on this subject,my perp mailed me a video of me during the abuse ,what he did to me ,i had no clue it was aporn video well i had my suspicions,but i put it in and couldnt drag myself to turn it off ,i was frozen i didnt want to see but i couldnt turn it off,it made em sick ,when i finally got it out of the vcr ,i ripped it to peices,but it took control of me for the time it was in he had control again.yes it was evidence but the though never entered my mind to turn it over to anyone.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#132488 - 08/01/06 03:20 AM Re: pornography
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
I was on the other side of the camera. Notice that I said "willing participants."

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#132489 - 08/01/06 06:44 PM Re: pornography
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
I tried to feel less guilty about it in the past, but it is something that I am really ashamed of and I feel it is unbelievably damaging to me. I struggle so hard with depression everyday...most of it from memories of the disgusting pornography I've viewed.

_________________________
-
Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

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#132490 - 08/02/06 01:55 AM Re: pornography
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Scott,

I think you are hitting on a crucial distinction here. What harms us isn't so much the porn itself as our ATTITUDES toward porn. It seems to fit in that strange category of "self-defeating behavior".

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#132491 - 08/14/06 12:48 PM Re: pornography
proteus Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/11/06
Posts: 29
Loc: Louisiana
I never really started looking at porn until I started getting on the internet about 5 years ago. I began to have some confusing thoughts about my sexuality and started looking at gay porn out of curiosity. The internet was an easy route to go because it could be easily hidden. Unfortunately, I didn't expect to get so addicted and overcome by what I was doing. Afer some time had passed I realized that it was affecting the relationship between my wife and me. I tried to stop, and for a while I did. Eventually I would fall back in the same rut. Out of desperation I purchased and downloaded a "no-override" filter which couldn't be turned off unless you uninstalled it from your computer. A couple years passed. My computer broke down and I didn't have the money to have it fixed, so I canceled my sub>
_________________________
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me. Jeremiah 29:11-13

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#132492 - 08/14/06 02:06 PM Re: pornography
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Internet porn, what else is the internet for?

No seriously, I look at it... sometimes women but usually men. Always BDSM sites, always abuse an/or rape fantasy type of sites. No idea why I look at it considering it triggers me and sends me thru the roof!

But it's bullshit... it's just completely different then what you see online. Not all of it but most of it you see on the net is so planned and perfect... it's not like that in real life.

It can be I suppose if you play the part, but really...
Only my opinion.

I don't see the big deal.

Maybe if it's not a big secret that you're looking at it then you don't feel guilty about it? I don't know.

Jay


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#132493 - 08/14/06 06:58 PM Re: pornography
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
it bothers me because the images are so damaging to me personally, and I know that if I feed into it at all, it will overcome me and become a full-blown active addiction in my life.

_________________________
-
Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

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#132494 - 08/15/06 04:07 PM Re: pornography
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
I understand that Scott.
Can you replace it with something healthy?


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#132495 - 08/28/06 09:01 AM Re: pornography
NYCBaseballNut Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/23/06
Posts: 3
Loc: New York
What hurts most is it seems very often it's easier for me to climax with gay porn than straight. And the orgasms are often more powerful. I have had wonderful sex with women since my decision to abstain from activity with men, but there is a connection missing when it comes to porn.

Hence so much confusion. I am tired, but I will post my story at some point soon.

_________________________
Guy falls in a hole.He can't get out.His friend walks by,'Hey, can you help me out?'
Friend jumps in the hole.First guy says,'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.'Friend says,'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.' "

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#132496 - 09/09/06 05:33 AM Re: pornography
halcyon quest Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/06
Posts: 1
Loc: Australia
Like walkng into a warm room of friendly faces.
This discussion thread really is me all over.
I have struggled with gay porn for a long time. My past is not SA but neglect from my critcal aggresive father. I guess somewhere in the ehad this got transfered onto my sexual ID. I desire intimacy with men, not sexual but relational, i guess the porn maybe gives some kind of cheap quick senssation of that. I too am married and love my wife, however am not at a point where i feel i could tell her. it would crush her i fear.
it is comforting not to be alone.

_________________________
I just want someone to walk along with me.

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#132497 - 09/11/06 09:28 AM Re: pornography
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
I have confusion over my sexuality.
I frequent gay websites and get off on the ideas of being with older in control men and like looking at penises but overall I am not attracted to men eg walking down the road or the way they talk nor do they for eg make me drool.

I love the way women look and their voices etc.

Recently I went away on holiday at a resort. I was without my porn or gay chat. I saw all these gorgeous women and they just made me salivate. I loved looking at them and their legs etc. I still have problems envisioning being dominant or having intercourse and it being okay.
On my vacation without my porn I didn't miss my porn or fantasize about being with men.

I feel like I am passive and sexually still messed up.


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#132498 - 09/11/06 02:11 PM Re: pornography
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5775
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Lots of male survivors have had this reaction. Here is an excerpt from a book I am writing:

“What if I think about penises a lot? Does that mean I’m gay?” Not necessarily. The man described above associated sexual pleasure with his mother’s (and later his partners’) legs, shoes and feet. If a boy experiences powerful sexual feeling while sucking his abuser’s penis, or having his own penis licked, or touching or being touched on the penis, he may make a similar connection. In addition, as teenagers discovering masturbation, we reinforce the pleasurable feelings with the sight and feel of our own penises. So, with a “normal” (that is, non-abusive) sexual history, we will have a neutral to good association with penises. Our penis can make us feel good, powerful, and alleviate boredom.

But when the sexual feelings are forced, unwanted, confusing, even painful, the association with the penis can be contaminated. Some men hate their penis because it “betrayed” them by getting erect in an abusive situation. Because the male abuser, particularly when there are negative feelings towards him, has a penis, some survivors may associate the penis with the hurt, betrayal, pain, humiliation, shame, and guilt from the abuse. Think of the confusion one might feel from having these negative emotions about the abuse or abuser, and trying to feel good about one’s sexuality and penis.

One important consideration for those who are sexual with other men is to look at why you desire to act out sexually with them. If the acts are reenactments of your abuse, it may be because the trauma is still unresolved and the sex is a way of returning to the trauma, perhaps hoping on an unconscious level, that this time you are not the helpless one. It may also be that you have been taught or conditioned that doing this behavior will bring closeness, acceptance or some other emotional need that you may not have in your life at the moment. Or, you may have learned that by giving in, you will not be beaten or hurt more.


Ken


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#132499 - 09/26/06 11:15 AM Re: pornography
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
so why do i return to the trama so much?????????


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#132500 - 09/26/06 12:43 PM Re: pornography
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Steve,

I think what Ken is telling you is that if an abuse issue remains unresolved and continues to be a source of negative feelings about ourselves, then we keep returning to it with our questions and pain.

Acting out sexually with other men, for example, may address a survivor's feeling that as an abused boy he felt so powerless and helpless; this time, as an adult, he will do the same things again, but now he will at least be in control. Or he may have learned as a boy that submitting to abuse was the only way to fill his need to feel wanted, loved, and important, so now he reverts to this same strategy in order to fill these needs as an adult.

I think what you are asking is "why do I return to the trauma so much when I know this is no good for me and know that afterwards I will feel so ashamed and guilty?" My own suggestion would be that acting out, in this way or by other means, is tangled up in the emotional conflict between the desperate bad feelings we learned as abused boys and the mature reasoned ways of thinking we now have as adults. Our sense of reason doesn't allow us to resolve the intense abuse issues we have (hence the need for therapy), so we are heavily influenced by those old feelings in our search for relief, even if we know in advance that the relief will be only temporary and that afterwards the cycle will just start all over again.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132501 - 09/26/06 08:03 PM Re: pornography
justtired Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/21/06
Posts: 23
Loc: San Antonio Texas
Thanks for that post Larry. You just described my struggle. Before coming to this site, I thought I was the only one who acted out.

You guys are doing so much for me and you have no idea.


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#132502 - 09/26/06 09:03 PM Re: pornography
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
justtired,

That's the great thing about a site like this. We discover that so many of the things that shame and trouble us are not unique to ourselves: they show up with lots of other guys having the same difficulties. We aren't alone.

We also discover that we aren't screwed-up freaks: the acting out we do can be traced back to specific origins and by dealing with those causes we can eliminate the need to act out.

In my case, JT, it was alcohol and drugs. One of my teachers in college recognized the cause in my feelings of worthlessness, though he had no idea why I felt that way. So he made me his student assistant and told me I had to get clean in order to keep the job. As he put it, I had to choose: Live my life or lose it. By validating and trusting me he challenged those feelings of worthlessness, and that helped me a lot in overcoming my problems.

I think the same would apply to you. Don't tear yourself up over the acting out - that's part of the cycle and will just encourage more acting out. We are of course responsible for what we do and how we affect others in our lives, but we can't change the past. What we CAN do is learn from the past, preferably with the guidance of a therapist. By identifying the cause of your acting out the problem can, with time, be addressed and eliminated.

Just hang in there, my friend. You are NOT the mess that you think you are! ;\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#132503 - 09/27/06 12:53 AM Re: pornography
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
thanks larry...such depth.....helps me look foreward


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#132504 - 09/27/06 04:07 AM Re: pornography
justtired Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/21/06
Posts: 23
Loc: San Antonio Texas
Larry - you are the first person, besides my therapist who has said I wasn't the mess I think I am....thank you.


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#132505 - 09/29/06 02:41 AM Re: pornography
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
i think larry should be our therapist


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#132506 - 09/29/06 03:08 AM Re: pornography
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Quote:
i think larry should be our therapist.
That wouldn't work. My fees are payable in cookies and they would get crushed in the post.

Much munching,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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