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#132489 - 08/01/06 06:44 PM Re: pornography
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
I tried to feel less guilty about it in the past, but it is something that I am really ashamed of and I feel it is unbelievably damaging to me. I struggle so hard with depression everyday...most of it from memories of the disgusting pornography I've viewed.

_________________________
-
Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

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#132490 - 08/02/06 01:55 AM Re: pornography
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Scott,

I think you are hitting on a crucial distinction here. What harms us isn't so much the porn itself as our ATTITUDES toward porn. It seems to fit in that strange category of "self-defeating behavior".

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132491 - 08/14/06 12:48 PM Re: pornography
proteus Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/11/06
Posts: 29
Loc: Louisiana
I never really started looking at porn until I started getting on the internet about 5 years ago. I began to have some confusing thoughts about my sexuality and started looking at gay porn out of curiosity. The internet was an easy route to go because it could be easily hidden. Unfortunately, I didn't expect to get so addicted and overcome by what I was doing. Afer some time had passed I realized that it was affecting the relationship between my wife and me. I tried to stop, and for a while I did. Eventually I would fall back in the same rut. Out of desperation I purchased and downloaded a "no-override" filter which couldn't be turned off unless you uninstalled it from your computer. A couple years passed. My computer broke down and I didn't have the money to have it fixed, so I canceled my sub>
_________________________
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me. Jeremiah 29:11-13

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#132492 - 08/14/06 02:06 PM Re: pornography
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Internet porn, what else is the internet for?

No seriously, I look at it... sometimes women but usually men. Always BDSM sites, always abuse an/or rape fantasy type of sites. No idea why I look at it considering it triggers me and sends me thru the roof!

But it's bullshit... it's just completely different then what you see online. Not all of it but most of it you see on the net is so planned and perfect... it's not like that in real life.

It can be I suppose if you play the part, but really...
Only my opinion.

I don't see the big deal.

Maybe if it's not a big secret that you're looking at it then you don't feel guilty about it? I don't know.

Jay


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#132493 - 08/14/06 06:58 PM Re: pornography
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
it bothers me because the images are so damaging to me personally, and I know that if I feed into it at all, it will overcome me and become a full-blown active addiction in my life.

_________________________
-
Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

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#132494 - 08/15/06 04:07 PM Re: pornography
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
I understand that Scott.
Can you replace it with something healthy?


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#132495 - 08/28/06 09:01 AM Re: pornography
NYCBaseballNut Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/23/06
Posts: 3
Loc: New York
What hurts most is it seems very often it's easier for me to climax with gay porn than straight. And the orgasms are often more powerful. I have had wonderful sex with women since my decision to abstain from activity with men, but there is a connection missing when it comes to porn.

Hence so much confusion. I am tired, but I will post my story at some point soon.

_________________________
Guy falls in a hole.He can't get out.His friend walks by,'Hey, can you help me out?'
Friend jumps in the hole.First guy says,'Are you stupid? Now we're both down here.'Friend says,'Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.' "

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#132496 - 09/09/06 05:33 AM Re: pornography
halcyon quest Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/06
Posts: 1
Loc: Australia
Like walkng into a warm room of friendly faces.
This discussion thread really is me all over.
I have struggled with gay porn for a long time. My past is not SA but neglect from my critcal aggresive father. I guess somewhere in the ehad this got transfered onto my sexual ID. I desire intimacy with men, not sexual but relational, i guess the porn maybe gives some kind of cheap quick senssation of that. I too am married and love my wife, however am not at a point where i feel i could tell her. it would crush her i fear.
it is comforting not to be alone.

_________________________
I just want someone to walk along with me.

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#132497 - 09/11/06 09:28 AM Re: pornography
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
I have confusion over my sexuality.
I frequent gay websites and get off on the ideas of being with older in control men and like looking at penises but overall I am not attracted to men eg walking down the road or the way they talk nor do they for eg make me drool.

I love the way women look and their voices etc.

Recently I went away on holiday at a resort. I was without my porn or gay chat. I saw all these gorgeous women and they just made me salivate. I loved looking at them and their legs etc. I still have problems envisioning being dominant or having intercourse and it being okay.
On my vacation without my porn I didn't miss my porn or fantasize about being with men.

I feel like I am passive and sexually still messed up.


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#132498 - 09/11/06 02:11 PM Re: pornography
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Lots of male survivors have had this reaction. Here is an excerpt from a book I am writing:

“What if I think about penises a lot? Does that mean I’m gay?” Not necessarily. The man described above associated sexual pleasure with his mother’s (and later his partners’) legs, shoes and feet. If a boy experiences powerful sexual feeling while sucking his abuser’s penis, or having his own penis licked, or touching or being touched on the penis, he may make a similar connection. In addition, as teenagers discovering masturbation, we reinforce the pleasurable feelings with the sight and feel of our own penises. So, with a “normal” (that is, non-abusive) sexual history, we will have a neutral to good association with penises. Our penis can make us feel good, powerful, and alleviate boredom.

But when the sexual feelings are forced, unwanted, confusing, even painful, the association with the penis can be contaminated. Some men hate their penis because it “betrayed” them by getting erect in an abusive situation. Because the male abuser, particularly when there are negative feelings towards him, has a penis, some survivors may associate the penis with the hurt, betrayal, pain, humiliation, shame, and guilt from the abuse. Think of the confusion one might feel from having these negative emotions about the abuse or abuser, and trying to feel good about one’s sexuality and penis.

One important consideration for those who are sexual with other men is to look at why you desire to act out sexually with them. If the acts are reenactments of your abuse, it may be because the trauma is still unresolved and the sex is a way of returning to the trauma, perhaps hoping on an unconscious level, that this time you are not the helpless one. It may also be that you have been taught or conditioned that doing this behavior will bring closeness, acceptance or some other emotional need that you may not have in your life at the moment. Or, you may have learned that by giving in, you will not be beaten or hurt more.


Ken


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