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#132479 - 07/31/06 06:57 PM pornography
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
I started many a sexual fettishes and deviance when I was really young...over the past few years, I have still struggled with homosexual pornography...not everyday, or every month, but sporadically, I have bouts and episodes of binges. I haven't really gotten in to anything other than internet, but I'm scared that I haven't really progressed or gotten better with this struggle...I'm scared that I'll get worse and go into harder, and harder porn. Anyways, I'm attracted to women (although not an animal attraction, I'm way too intimidated by them) and I'm not even overtly sexually attracted to men anymore, it's just the mechanics of the pornography that I've struggled with since I was 13. Has anyone else struggled with these issues?

_________________________
-
Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

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#132480 - 07/31/06 07:05 PM Re: pornography
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
oh man have i!

i once considered myself addicted to porn. i guess as i got stronger, made many mistakes, it slowly lost its power. i found it artificially inflates your drives, opens a person up to things they can't have, and can lead to acting in ways that you dont want. in the end, i just stopped looking.

the problem is i dont think i could have stopped before i did. as my health improved, my perspective did as well. it took that deep change on how i view it before the drive just went away on its own. getting older may have helped too, as my drive as a whole isnt what it once was.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#132481 - 07/31/06 07:10 PM Re: pornography
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Absolutely! Thus my name, ForeverFighting. And it drives me crazy, too. Someone described it as an easy way to feel loved--those guys in porn just opening themselves up to me as the click of a mouse. I find myself looking for what I guess I would call role models. Like if I could be like that porn guy, people would love me and treat me better. Which is all a lie, I know. Because abuse is abuse. I think it's most difficult when we may have actually gotten something out of the abuse--maybe attention nobody else would give us or a weird twisted form of approval, even if the abuser didn't mean a word of it. There are so many reasons gay porn is addictive. I also find a rebellious part of me goes there to escape the horrors of life--kind of like drugs or alcohol. And I've been addicted all my life. If it wasn't available, I'd create it.

The things that have helped me is to be real, feel what I feel and be honest with the people around me about how I feel, so there's no secret person inside trying to escape who eventually takes over and does porn. Secrets kill us inside. It also helps to stay close to people who actually like me for who I am. It helps me to remember than I'm acceptable, that I can be the man who I am. It helps me to stay away from my toxic family.

It's not about sex. In fact, some of the porn grosses me out. It disgusts me. It's about love, and the illusion that there's a guy out there in porn land who loves me enough to say I'm OK and accept me exactly as I am. It's about learning through abuse that sex equals love. And it doesn't.

Hang in there, and don't be too tough on yourself. From my experience, porn is a symptom of a much more troublesome problem. Trust. PM me anytime, OK?

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#132482 - 07/31/06 08:06 PM Re: pornography
bp83 Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/06
Posts: 111
Loc: Arkansas
thanks...I definitely feel like I will NEVER get away from it's power! I mean, again, there are sporadic binges (over the past maybe 7 years, I've fallen to it about 7 times), but before I turned 15, it was like a weekly, or monthly ritual. So it's just like, when will I really lose interest in porn? I've lost interest in many other of my former activities...why is porn still a fight for me?

_________________________
-
Scott

"Life is for living, we all know, and I don't want to live it alone..."-Chris Martin

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#132483 - 07/31/06 10:25 PM Re: pornography
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I wish I really knew the answer to that one, Scott. My interest in it wanes when I feel like I have control in life. Like I have control over that? I know. All I can say is if you've only fallen 7 times in 7 years, congratulations. I know it's annoying that the same stuff keeps coming up, but really, it sounds like you're doing great.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#132484 - 07/31/06 11:41 PM Re: pornography
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Interesting concept, control. I was thinking of starting a thread like this in the unmoderated section, I think i will, just so the ladies can reply if they want.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#132485 - 08/01/06 12:01 AM Re: pornography
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
bp83,

When I was 15 there was no internet and the hardest porn available was Playboy! But still, I know I was keenly interested in it, even though my abuse had only ended the previous year and sex in general was a frightening subject for me.

I think all teens will be curious, and I know my two kids both indulged their curiosity. I never thought that was a bad thing, so long as it didn't get obsessive. And I did talk to both of them to stress that porn was just exploitive fantasy and NOT what sex was like in real life.

I see porn as problematic for the way it exploits the people who star in it and for the distorted view it gives of sexuality. But that said, it seems to me that the main harm for most of those who look at it is the guilt they feel about indulging in it. I don't think viewing porn - unless it's child pornography - makes one a bad person.

I confess that I don't think a lot about porn and maybe this is an issue I am being too liberal about. This is just how the question looks to me at the moment. I would read a thread on the subject with a lot of interest, mainly because I think I would learn a lot.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132486 - 08/01/06 12:32 AM Re: pornography
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
What is truly amazing is the enormous amount of amateur or "homemade" porn that is out there. It seems that a lot of couples (and singles) want to share pictures of them getting it on. Since it would be difficult to argue that this would constitute exploitation, I wonder how people are interpreting this type of porn?

Personally, I like looking at it, and I am much more comfortable with pictures where all parties (including the viewer) are willing participants than I am with looking at "professional" porn.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#132487 - 08/01/06 01:32 AM Re: pornography
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
once youve been on hhe other side of the camera it kinda loses its appeal, one thing that bothers me ,on this subject,my perp mailed me a video of me during the abuse ,what he did to me ,i had no clue it was aporn video well i had my suspicions,but i put it in and couldnt drag myself to turn it off ,i was frozen i didnt want to see but i couldnt turn it off,it made em sick ,when i finally got it out of the vcr ,i ripped it to peices,but it took control of me for the time it was in he had control again.yes it was evidence but the though never entered my mind to turn it over to anyone.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#132488 - 08/01/06 03:20 AM Re: pornography
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
I was on the other side of the camera. Notice that I said "willing participants."

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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