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#132402 - 06/11/06 09:33 PM Confused
sportinrucks Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 422
Loc: Louisiana
I asked my T if I may be gay, explained to her the situ. I dont get turned on by looking at men, but every now and then a thought creeps up and its a numb, toxic feeling. Like I'm exploiting myself, then sometimes I even get curious but it's just not where I want to be.


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#132403 - 06/12/06 05:18 PM Re: Confused
abcdefghijklmnop Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/18/06
Posts: 11
Loc: none
I may have similar thoughts, i have a girlfriend of 2 years and have always been straight, but i hate these thoughts and I didnt ask my therapist, "do you think i could be gay" but i explained to her everything, my assumption is she would say im straight, and i know i am, but there is a little piece of me that would like her to say, "you are not gay". She sorta did, she explained to me to get rid of those thoughts with rational thinking. think of your past, your abuse that may have caused these thoughts, and get rid of them. what did she say to you?


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#132404 - 06/12/06 07:13 PM Re: Confused
sportinrucks Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 422
Loc: Louisiana
She asked me if I get aroused when I look at a guy I said no. Her assumption is I'm not gay. I have thoughts that creep up that I do not like.


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#132405 - 06/13/06 02:24 PM Re: Confused
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
there is a serparation between our sexuality and acting out. acting out are things we do to cope. we may not always understand them, but they are things we've developed over time to deal with pain and confusion. i believe it is possible to be drawn to something that isnt healthy or right. it isnt a failure of morality, and it isnt atraction. it is more like a deer in the headlights, frozen and unable to resist even as it smacks you in the kisser. you body and mind is trying to get a grip on something it hasnt fully made sense of. these feelings are an expression of that confusion in my opinion, kind of an attempt to understand it better.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#132406 - 06/13/06 07:50 PM Re: Confused
abcdefghijklmnop Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/18/06
Posts: 11
Loc: none
http://www.brainphysics.com/hocd.php
http://www.brainphysics.com/forum/index.php

look at these web sites, you may find them very helpful. I believe these thoughts are most definatley caused from the past abuse. People get this who arent even abused, (i think) But its been a huge encouragement to me. Regardless, the bible says that the heart is decietful and wicked, who can know it? besides God. We live in fleshly bodies and think of all kinds of crazy things, some more than others.


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#132407 - 06/15/06 02:05 AM Re: Confused
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Lots of people (men and women) have sexual thoughts and are aroused by things they feel they should not be aroused to.

For a lot of males I've worked with over the years, thoughts of sexual situations with males can be distressing. Sometimes it is about being in a "replay" of their abuse by a male in which they experience the arousing aspects of their abuse and that feels homosexual even though they are living a predominately heterosexual life.

For some, it is about reliving the situation and feeling trapped in the replay. For others or at other times, it can be an attempt to change the outcome of the abuse, kind of like "this time, I'm calling the shots".

In other situations, the arousal they experienced from being in a sexual situation with a male is arousing, even if unwanted. Think of how many of us will look at a traffic accident even though we have no desire to be injured. There is a fascination that is difficult to explain, yet it is hard not to slow down and look.

Point is that arousal and re-enactment is a complicated process. Attraction or arousal is not a statement of a person's orientation. Sometimes it is as simple as "forbidden fruit". As males with a heterosexual orientation, most heterosexual men would not say they are interested in looking at other men. How do you explain the interest in pornography that shows other men having sex with women? Porn videos that are only about women having sex with women don't sell anywhere close to men with women.

In these vidoes, we can see other men's penises (basically forbidden in rest rooms) and more signicicantly, their erections and ejaculations, which is not in most men's experiences (unless bi, gay. or having been abused). If the selling point were just about men having sex with women, wouldn't there be a bigger market for just viewing the women's reactions? In actuality, straight porn allows men to see other men's penises and ejaculations.

My point is that a lot of men get freaked out by interest or arousal in other men's penises without feeling erotically interested in being sexual with other men. Even if they do, particularly for survivors, it is a far more complicated thing than just assuming they must be gay because they are aroused or fantasizing about it.

Take home message here is that sexual interest or arousal is not what makes a person gay or straight.

Ken


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#132408 - 06/18/06 02:49 PM Re: Confused
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Note to Ken,and this is a serious question...then what is? Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#132409 - 06/19/06 02:50 AM Re: Confused
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Bobby:

What is the question? Are you asking "what makes a person gay?" I'm not sure what the answer is to that question but I can try to get a short answer from my friend and colleague, Ralph Battinieri who has a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality and has provided some answers here from time to time.

Ken


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#132410 - 06/27/06 04:12 PM Re: Confused
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Found this on the Reuters news site today:

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - A man's sexual orientation appears to be determined in the womb, a new study suggests.

Past research by Dr. Anthony F. Bogaert of Brock University in St. Catherines, Ontario and colleagues has shown that the more older brothers a man has, the more likely he is to be gay. But it has not been clear if this is a prenatal effect or a psychosocial effect, related to growing up with older male siblings.

To investigate, Bogaert studied 944 gay and straight men, including several who were raised with adopted, half- or step-siblings or were themselves adopted. He reasoned that if the relationship between having older male siblings and homosexuality was due to family environment or child-rearing practices, it would be seen whether or not a man's older brothers were biological or adopted.

Bogaert found that the link between having older brothers and homosexuality was present only if the siblings were biologically related -- this relationship was seen between biological brothers who were not raised together. The amount of time that a man was reared with older brothers had no association with sexual orientation.


"These results support a prenatal origin to sexual orientation development in men and indicate that the fraternal birth-order effect is probably the result of a maternal 'memory' for male gestations or births," Bogaert writes in his report in PNAS Early Edition.

A woman's body may see a male fetus as "foreign," Bogaert explains, and her immune response to subsequent male fetuses may grow progressively stronger.

"If this immune theory were correct, then the link between the mother's immune reaction and the child's future sexual orientation would probably be some effect of maternal anti-male antibodies on the sexual differentiation of the brain," he suggests.

Other lines of research also support the sexual orientation-maternal immune response link, he notes.

SOURCE: PNAS Early Edition, June 26, 2006.


Reuters 2006. All Rights Reserved


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#132411 - 06/28/06 12:07 AM Re: Confused
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Quote:
"sexual interest or arousal is not what makes a person gay or straight."
Thanks, Ken, for that. I wish there were a therapist here I could talk to about stuff like that and get good advice.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#282410 - 04/05/09 06:05 PM Re: Confused [Re: ForeverFighting]
Anarion Cti Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/09
Posts: 157
Loc: Eastern US
ForeverFighting, thanks for using that verse. It was a real encouragement to me.

_________________________
"Thou, O Lord, are the shield about me;
You're my helper,
You're the one who lifts up my head."
"Whom have I in heaven or earth but You?"

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#283403 - 04/12/09 04:31 PM Re: Confused [Re: ForeverFighting]
starman77 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/03/09
Posts: 36
Loc: Illinois
For most of my life I have wondered where I was orientation wise.
I get arroused by seeing men on the street, go home and fantasize about them and+.
I hate those feelings and can't stop them. If I discover I am gay I feel it might take me over the edge.
For me that is the hardest part of being SA. These feelings drive me nuts. I want so bad to live straight, but those feelings and my reactions to them make me wonder.
How do you handle those feelings? I wish they would leave and not come back..it isn't happening.I do think none the less I can't ignore them either.
I wonder where to go with this.


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#283806 - 04/15/09 05:55 PM Re: Confused [Re: starman77]
Jim1961 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/10/09
Posts: 1126
Loc: Pa, but likely traveling...
Starman,

I struggle with this too. Since I was 13 (47 now). It was really bad for me 2 months ago. Then I started seeing a T to work through the CSA and found this site. 2 months later my SSA is much lower. It has not totally gone away, but I can live with it.

Your brother,
Jim

_________________________
Loneliness is a power that we possess to give or take away forever. -Yes, Starship Trooper

My Story

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#283825 - 04/15/09 08:30 PM Re: Confused [Re: starman77]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
Originally Posted By: starman77
For most of my life I have wondered where I was orientation wise.
I get arroused by seeing men on the street, go home and fantasize about them and+.
I hate those feelings and can't stop them. If I discover I am gay I feel it might take me over the edge.
For me that is the hardest part of being SA. These feelings drive me nuts. I want so bad to live straight, but those feelings and my reactions to them make me wonder.
How do you handle those feelings? I wish they would leave and not come back..it isn't happening.I do think none the less I can't ignore them either.
I wonder where to go with this.


I feel EXACTLY the same. Only difference it started like a month ago. It's driving me nuts. it makes me want to hurt myself in every way possible. im too embarrased


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#283874 - 04/16/09 04:42 AM Re: Confused [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Daniel

hope you reconsider hurting yourself. Suggest the reason yu may have some of these feelings was a result of your being molested. Not that you chose to have them.

As you see from Jim's response, working with a t and being here can make a difference in how you experience the feelings.\

get lots of good information about the subject then you can decide what is right for you to do about it


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