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#132394 - 05/28/06 01:50 AM possible Trigger
Liam Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/03/03
Posts: 41
Loc: Currently South Africa
I took the train a few days ago. A guy in his 20's sat down opposite me and looked at me a few times. He put his leg up on the seat and started to fondle himself a bit. I tried to pay no attention. He moved over and sat next to a man across from me. This guy - in his late 30's were well dressed had a suit, hugo boss cologne and cufflings. They talked briefly and then they moved to the corner facing me. He pulled down his zipper and pretended to be asleep as the guy masterbated him. As confusing as it was - i could not remove myself from the situation and i got aroused by it in a way. I started to feel panicked and light headed and i started sweating. They knew i were noticing it but paid no attention to me. Then the business man got up and we exit at the same station. I walked up to him and told him that i thought that were crazy which he answered that they were just playing but that you couldn't do to much on the train with all the stops and all. He were extremely handsome and then he told me that he lived closeby if i were interested in playing. As tempted as i was i felt like i were high the entire time. It were very surreal for me. I thought of what we could do and then of who i am. I laughed and walked away. I do not believe that this is the way to find expression for my needs yet i am tempted by this. Today i went to a museum and this guy talked to a bunch. I do not even know him. My friends told me that he were hitting on me. I get this a lot. I am coming to terms with my sexual orientation yet i long for a sincere, trustworthy, dedicated relationship where to people do love each other. Is such a thing even possible. Am i expecting to much. Am i fooling myself by waiting. Is there other christian men who feels like me. I am 32 - masculine and love being a man. My friends told me last night that i will go to hell unless i repent and marry a women or stay single for the rest of my life. None of those seems like an option. Can i be a christian and find another partner. Yes i know this mail is jaded but so are my thoughts at times. Forgive me if i offended anyone. That were not my intention.
Any advice will be appreciated.


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#132395 - 05/28/06 08:32 PM Re: possible Trigger
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Liam,

Let me say from the start that you haven't offended me at all, nor do I think others will be offended. You are raising issues that are important to you, and that's what we do here. And no, I didn't find your post jaded in the least.

I think I have said this to you in the past, but a lot of times a survivor will have difficulties with his sexual identity and boundaries. As adults we are of course responsible for what we do, but before we start getting really negative about ourselves we need to recall that these issues go back to our boyhood, when our ideas about identity and boundaries begin to form - slowly and on solid foundations. Abuse wrecked that for us, and for many survivors that instability is a problem in adulthood. I think this may describe the situation you are in. It is very common for a survivor to be tempted by sexual options that in fact he doesn't want, or which confuse him. This goes back to the conflicting emotions he felt as an abused boy.

You said once before (if I recall correctly) that you were seeing a T and making good progress. Perhaps the present situation is something that also deserves to be considered in sessions with your T.

On the problem of being a Christian I assume you are talking about the possibility that you are gay. If that's the issue, please bear in mind that a man doesn't choose his sexuality any more than he chooses his personality. It's part of who we are. If you are a religious guy and it turns out you are gay, then you would have to conclude that you are the way God made you.

Please also bear in mind that the present fuss over gay this and gay that is basically right-wing conservative polemic. As a scholar who spends his waking hours studying, reading and teaching texts based in religious tradition, I can assure you that almost any point can be "proven" by extracting selected points out of context from a sacred>
_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132396 - 05/29/06 02:18 PM Re: possible Trigger
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Imagine a "straight" 32 year old virgin male ....
Wait, isn't there at least two oxymorons in that sentence fragment. I'm sure that there are some straight men who fit the de>
_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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