Let's talk this over, because it has come up this time more than usual. When I come on here and no one has written anything to a post of mine, something inside of me screams, "Where Are You?"
"Someone Help Me" Things like that. When I'm not in some sort of crisis, I just have a feeling of disappointment and loneliness. I've discussed that ad infinitum, but with this last memory, when I come here, I am sort of screaming for someone to help me. I know it's not me screaming, and I know it's not now, but who is he screaming for? Where is he? What is happening? Who did he think was going to help him? What was happening to him? I can hear his voice screaming. He's not just scared, he's furious. It's as much an admonishment as it is a call for help. The tone of voice is saying that you should be here and you're not. You should burst through the door to help me, but you don't. It is a very basic child-like almost rage. But it is a rage that comes from fear. Perhaps, when I come here, especially in troubled times, I am the child....I am searching for help, re-assurance, safety....and when you're not here, I transfer the anger that I once directed at them to you. Someone failed me. Someone didn't protect me, and I can hear my panicked screaming in the night.

Bobby

Bobby.

I know exactly how you feel.

Nobby

Bobby,

Every abused kid was failed by some adult - the abuser in the first place, but in many cases by neglectful family members or guardians as well.

I continue to think that the person screaming and angry is Little Bobby. In a way this is a good sign - though a troubling one to be sure. Little Bobby now has a feeling that maybe it wasn't all his fault; others let him down. He feels he is in danger because he's a hurt child; the world has proven how unsafe it is and he still feels the fear. But he is demanding to be heard.

Sounds like a brave kid to me. And don't be afraid of his anger - he is lashing out but I don't think he really blames you. Even if he is, that's the way it goes. A strong loving parent always reaches out to his child, even when he is angry and misbehaving. That's perhaps the time he needs love the most.

Much love,
Larry

My apologies, guys. Can't believe I posted this in the sexual identity section. Meant to post it in the members' side unmoderated section. Shows how messed up I am at the moment, I guess. Sorry about that. Bobby

Larry,

You know you are 100% correct about Little Bobby. I want you to know that today Little John recognized that he was angy at his mother for not protecting him from the monster called dad. As an adult I love her with my whole heart but she did not protect LITTLE JOHN when he was 6 years old. This morning I stopped downstairs to check on her and she hurried to get up. Mom complained about being tired but got up and made me breakfast. I told her not to but she did not listen. It just really pissed me off. I have been taking care of myself for years. Additionally, I felt that she did not listen to how I felt or what I needed. I know that there is no real answer to this but I went back to my place and vented out loud about why she did not protect me as a kid. She had a real rough childhood herself but I feel mad but it feels good to know were to direct my anger.
Does this make sense? It feels so good to know how and where to direct my anger.
Jaay

(((((Bobby)))))
It's going to be ok, brother.
Don't be afraid of the feelings, no matter how strong. Far better they come out than be stuffed back in.
We don't have to be the "good little boys" to please anyone else anymore.
You're a man. A strong, beautiful survivor with many friends who admire and trust your values and judgment.
Keep on screaming, we don't mind -- and it will probably help heal us all in the long run.
Much love, etc.,

Per Bobby's request, I moved this to members' unmoderated forum.
Ken