Hi Bobby et al,
I am moved by the honesty and support at this message board. I am a new member, joining last night, while having been listening for months, from my dark closet of same sex longings and abuse memories.
I read this thread with rapture and sighs, as I also have been asking myself two key questions: 1) am I straight or gay or bi? and 2) Was I Really abused by my dad? Like really, really? or was it just homophobia, absorbtionof his transfered feelings of love and hate for me...etc...some rationalization of painful fragmented memories...ets. etc...
After making some key decisions lately and reading the posts above, I finally saw these two questions as two seperate and distinct questions, perhaps many of us have to answer, which are linked yet seperate, for me at last.
I am making a distinction for myself about my attractions.
YES!!! My head turns when I see a man who attracts me, my balls get tingly and my face flushes sometimes. Whooooahh! This IS Risky to accept, because of that terrible disease, called homophobia, which is going around, I happen to have caught once a long time ago, and which has been dormant in me like some other viruses. Time to flush it out, clear it out and kill it for good. It is a gift to feel attraction and passion in life, as long as the action in response doesn't hurt any one! YES!!! I also feel attracted to women. Sometimes, this attraction is even more closeted. I grew up Catholicized, spiritualized, repressing my whole sex drive till later in life, and boy sometimes I just want to rip my girlfriend's closthes right off and I leer at women I work with with whom I am asked to be professional, but those breast bring out a beast inside... and my mind ignores the personality... ARRRR!
Luckily, I have been making friends who are gay, some survivor,s, and a friend who is bi and getting married. It has been mind blowing to have the later make jokes openly about his attractions to men all the while standing with and loving his fiancee with passion and deep respect and love.
Many a man and woman have tried to figure me out, with my permission to label, and now I claim my own sexuality, as it is... I AM a BISEXUAL MAN! Meaning to me that I am attracted physically, emotionally and sexually to men and women.
Now the question of choice for me is... who do I love and cherish and wish to make love to and continue my life path walking closely with... It is my girlfriend, whose value I finally recognize and who I have hurt and abandonned and finally returned to, as my whole self and....
She loves me right back. (something I wish for all of us) She chooses me, even though scarred and scared and wanning in attractions sometimes, she wants to be with me, loves me as I am and I am blessed so. Love is a choice. To receive it and to give it. It is trully liberating. Before I made this choice, on Saturday, I was consumed with: me, single-minded pleasure desire no one else but me, revenge for abuse, hate, fear, keep safe keep them far, use and take and move on...
As for question 2: I now see that my father having seduced and raped me repeatedly had an impact on my self-worth, my awareness of choice and personal freedom, and desire to hold back my love (to men and women). It did not and does not determine my sexuality and the depth of love I can choose to express based on all of my sum attractions. Sexual abuse, I believe, is about betrayal and selfish forms of gratification, abuse is only about power, control, and compulsive gratification. It hurt me so much because he was only consumed with himself, unable to recognize my desires for safety, respectful affection, and self-mastery. The seduction was a game to satisfy one. Love is a way of being which satisfies all on the deepest level. Though embracing love may frustrate immediate urges to release and control, it melts them away and brings peace. I choose love and send it to all of you.
Thank you for your honesty, courage, and support.
Heart on Fire