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Jake,

You are acting out, and one explanation for that is that when the survivor cannot cope with or understand what happened to him as a boy, he seeks ways to bring the situation under "control" by re-enacting it, but now on his own terms and by his own choosing.

I don't know anything about your abuse history, but I doubt you really want to be hurt or used. What often happens is that a boy comes to think that he doesn't deserve better than that, and that feeling doesn't necessarily go away because he is now an adult.

Do you have a T? Professional help is usually needed to get past the stuff we have endured - not because we are losers and can't "get over it", but because CSA is such a terrible crime against a child.

Much love,
Larry

Larry hit it on the head, acting out, I did it with pornography and as many female sexual partners I could find. I looked at porn for the purpose of calming my mind, the silent cry that went in the night of the molestation was wanting to come out but I kept it down and in turn acted out instead of crying or dealing with the problem. Therapy is what got the problem out and I cried about the molestation, my life changed and the harmful acts disappeared. There is more to it than that but with therapy and time my addictions and acting out subsided. You are not crazy or nasty you are just trying to work things out of your mind and body, the way you are doing it is not healthy though. I found a site that had a male on male scene and it brought me face to face with my nightmare, the molestation, it also helped me deal with the problem that I had no idea was there. You might be going to the bath houses to confront your fear and again it is tied into the act of acting out your trauma. Professional help is the best way to go in my opinion, like Larry said.

Molestation is a serious thing and it takes professional help to deal with it, do not take it lightly and try your best to seek professional counsil.

Keep your head up we are with you and I pray you find peace.

Jake,

Right now the most important thing is not to start getting into a lot of self-destructive worries about yourself over this. You are acting out. Okay. It is what it is. If you add a lot of blaming and worrying to the mix it will just get worse.

Have a look around at your area and see what therapy is available at what price. It really is worth it. And make sure, if I may say so, that expense isn't just an excuse to stay away from therapy. Starting therapy is indeed intimidating and even frightening at first, but don't be afraid of it. It doesn't mean we are losers; it means that child abuse is a terrible crime and continues to affect the survivor in his adult years.

Much love,
Larry

Hi Jake,

I've actually never posted here, but I've been slowly reading through the posts in this forum and thinking through my own issues, and I just wanted to say that your post was valuable to me, not aggravating, and I'm glad you posted it. Whenever I've "acted out," I've always felt completely numb. But then I go and do it anyway.

Dave

Jacob,

Digging into yourself is something we survivors excel at. It is as natural as breathing to us, and it takes a lot of effort to stop doing it. We've all been there, or still are there, so don't worry about aggrivating us because you aren't.

Jacob and Olaf,

It took a lot of courage to take the steps you have taken yesterday and today. CLAIM the credit for this! You deserve it.

Male survivor is a site where "blame" and "judgment" aren't on the agenda. We have seen it all before and we understand. Just say it: here I am and these are my fears. This is what upsets me.

You will see a lot of guys here who appear to have it all figured out and seem to coping better than you are. Well, appearances can be deceiving! But let's say you are right. Where do you think these guys started out?

Exactly where you are now. Hang in there and join us on the path of recovery. You really CAN do it.

Much love,
Larry

Jacob:
A therapist once told me that people will tend to gravitate to whatever behavior is "familiar" even if that behavior is destructive.
Unfortunately, we who were SA as children may have been "anchored" in the behavior of sexualizing our needs and desires because those boundaries were crossed when we had no control over them.
Please try and check into a therapist - most will accept payment on a sliding scale. Even though their profession DOES pay the bills and put food on the table, the vast majority of them have chosen that life's work because they want to help people.
I also know that you are aware of the health risks of anonymous sex, but I think that it's important for you to have some self-talk when you feel the desire to remind yourself of the consequences. You can also make a conscious effort to tell yourself - that was then and this is now. I know that it may sound trite, but sometimes we get so caught up in the feelings and desires that we forget to use the rational side of our brains.
Finally, don't put yourself in situations that could prove tempting. Don't flirt with danger - in other words, if someone KNOWS that viewing pornography (for example) will cause him to act out the sexual fantasies, then it's not the best choice to add to the temptation by using porn.
If you still have any "weak moments" please feel free to PM me if you feel uncomfortable writing anything in an open forum.

SD