I went to therapy today and cried. The first time I have cried in many a long year. The more I spoke about my abuser the more upset my stomache became. I am in a tailspin right now, scared and upset but I feel like I made some great progress. i am so very tired. is all this important? I hope so. I am so vulnerable. My wife thinks I am going to leave her for a man. My oldest daughter is working at hooters and strung out on meth living with a 35 years old(she is 23) Another daughter is trying to get accepted to college( she wants to go to boston, a long way from orange county Ca.)and dad is reliving abuse by an older nephew, his mother and rape by a friends father when I was 5. What can anyone see sexually exciting in a 5 year old boy? I was a beautiful child and became a addict to booze, drugs and food and lately gay porn all in the name of survival. I am 16 years sober(AA) lost 140 lbs(CEA-HOW) and since saturday I havent even thought about sex accept the abuse, over and over the abuse. now this is a rant more when I get some sleep

Sonny,

Yes, you have made some important progress even though you feel like you are in a tailspin.

Crying means you are getting back in touch with feelings you have held in check for a long time. By letting them out you will be able to think and talk about them and finally to deal with them. It's a great advance!

You feel tired and vulnerable because you ARE tired and vulnerable. It's emotionally exhausting to do this work, and when we move forward we are often in new territory where we are not sure how we will proceed or what we should do next. I have sometimes felt like I am rediscovering myself.

It's all very confusing, so rant away as much as you want. We have all been there.

You ask a good question:

The answer is not a lot. The pedophile is attracted more by the opportunity to wield absolute power over a helpless victim, even to the extent of having sex with him - the last thing the child would want. It's really about power, not sex, which the predator could easily find elsewhere.

Much love,
Larry

Sonny, sounds like you are in the mix of it, I know the feeling. Hang in there it will not be easy but the effort is worth the reward. I too find it hard to believe that anyone could abuse a 5 year old boy or anyone for that matter. The aftermath is horrific for the victim, if only they predator knew what lay ahead of the victim maybe they would think twice.

We care about you like a brother, so keep coming back and writing your feelings out as you see the need.

Sonny,

I have posted on your thread before, but I am encouraged to come back again in light of your opening comment that you had just gone to therapy that day and had cried.

Today I went for a session with my new T (my third one in a week), and I too cried. I always do.

But what is more important is that these days I look forward to seeing my T. It's still intimidating and I am apprehensive, but my T sets me at ease and I can even say that it's exciting to work on the issues that come up. Today we made a schedule for our sessions right through June, and I am looking forward to each and every one.

It does get better Sonny. Hang in there. When I first came here and guys told me that I didn't know how that could ever be true for me. But it is, and it will for you as well.

Much love,
Larry

it hit me one day, months ago. i was drying my son off after his bath, and it just flashed through my mind, "What could anyone find sexually atractive there?"

i guess someone that isnt like me might ask the same of my atractions. personally, i just dont understand. there is nothing remotely sexual about these little children.

it sounds like you made some real progress. as for your kids, well they are adults. ultimately they are responsible for how they live. i feel it is very important early is recovery to get just a little selfish until you do what you need to do. one thing i am sure of, you can be a much better father and husband when you are healthy and happy.