I am going out on a limb here because I have never mentioned this to anyone but my wife. I was molested at age 9, male on male. One night at a friends house his father put his D+++ in my mouth and came. My father later exposed me to many forms of pornography. My wife and others know this information but my wife is the only one who knows I have an urge to look at shemales, especially asian. The more female looking the better. I think this is because of the confusion "sexual" from the molestation it left me confused and in the middle so to speak. I am not attracted to the male body in any way but I do have an attraction to a penis on a female body. I feel like I would enjoy getting them off, like pleasing the man who molested me. I have had trouble in my marriage because I want to please, I have a hard time letting her please me and she finally had an affair with a man that only wanted to be pleased, he came in a matter of minutes and she felt wonderful because it increased her self worth in the sexual arena. We are still together and she was also molested at an early age. This thing "molestation" has to stop, it is killing relationships and peoples lives on a daily basis. I am happy to be a survivor but damn this sexual dysfunction thing is lingering. I usually masterbate once a day and now I am getting it down to once a week, I look or looked at shemales, older women, I have even looked for older men with younger males and older men with younger females to see what my wife went through and it is like a turn on or something. Thinking that others are horny makes me excited, I cant exactly say what it does but I know I have been addicted to porn for a long time. I have also been to the porn shops with the movie booths, men have knocked on my door and I felt appauled but when I left I got excited, I thought that they wanted me for my looks and that was it, I could never get into the male body. It might be because it was dark the night I was molested and the only thing I saw was his penis and that was my first sexual experience. I am so glad all of you are here to talk to, it gives my soul rest knowing I am not alone.

Is anyone else attracted to shemales or transexuals?

John,

I don't have such attractions, but I hope you don't feel negative about yourself because you do have such attractions. That is just one area in the broad and varied range of human sexuality. The real issue is the way it interferes with your relationship with your wife. She would be justified in asking you to make a choice.

Bear in mind that when we were abused as boys, the foundations that we were beginning to lay down in the area of sexuality were wrecked, and everything else that came along after that stands on this wreckage. No wonder we have difficulties!

I don't recall if you are in therapy. If not, this is something you should look into. This topic is a minefield and a good therapist really can help.

I wish you all the best as you try to sort this out.

Much love,
Larry

I have been in counseling for some time and my T told me that it was natural to have the attractions. I am not hung up on it or anything but reading some of the post in here has helped me bring it to light and I just wanted to know if anyone else had the same feelings. My wife is very understanding and helpful, she has given me time to sort all of this out over the last few years. This place is the best thing I have ever had in regards to help, I love it and all my brothers here. I hope it is okay to call all of you my brothers because that is the way I feel.

Thanks for responding Larry.

The things that people talk about on here help me understand things about myself and I thank each and everyone of you for posting it is really great. I had always thought I was a bit off because of the penis on a girl thing but knowing that others are confused about sexuality helped me come to understand that I am not a nut just coping with what happenned to me as a child. I love the female body, have no attraction to the male body, but the penis and ejaculation is somewhat exciting but that is because that was my first sexual experience.

John,

My own take on sexuality is that it usually isn't the individual that is messed up, but rather the fault lies with society's insistence on defining sexuality in extremely narrow terms to suit old rigid moral sensibilities that were not even followed in their own time.

For the individual, like you and me, the crucial questions seem to be these: 1) Am I being totally honest with myself about my sexuality? 2) Am I being responsible where my relationships to others are concerned? and 3) Do I feel sexually fulfilled? Anyone who can answer yes to all those should not worry a lot about the hangups of other people where other issues are concerned.

Much love,
Larry

Good point Larry,

Thanks

yes, i too am drawn to shemales. i have also had to admit to myself that i am bi. yes, i too believe male on male abuse leaves you with this desire. no one really knows why. some theorize it is an attempt to get control over something where you didnt have control. the fantasy or actual actions are driven by this need to gain control, or so that line of thinking goes.

in my experience, once you've crossed certain boundries, and enjoyed it in some fashion, it becomes a draw to you from then on. when you are drawn to it, but it conflicts with your sense of morality, then you have a huge problem.

in my mind, an atraction for a shemale is the most acceptable expression of male on male fantasy and atraction. your mind deals with it a little better because the packaging looks female, a slight more palletable form to your morality that says having sex with another man is wrong. it is kind of a way of treading that water without getting in all the way.

Phoster you spoke my mind, thanks for responding, I don't feel so crazy about the attraction, the funny thing is it is dying away one day at a time. I find that when I am stressed I feel the need to look at them, but when everything is going okay I am not attracted to them and think it is gross. Mixed up from the stress and the need to control the sex. My T also told me that I was trying to control my life and with porn and masturbation I had control with the porn because I could pick the image and the scene I wanted to experience and it also released stress.

Thanks for responding,

personally, i have found masturbation, fantasy,writing and porn to be very valuable tools in filling in the gaps in my sex life. i have found you can't be too hard on yourself. these types of atractions formed for whatever reason, the abuse, acting out, or just came natural. now that they are there, embracing them, and enjoying them within the framework of your chosen life is a huge relief. i used to feel so guilty and ashamed of my atractions, that i beat myself up over them, and that isnt good. i dont think we can pick and choose our atractions, but we do control how we act on those. i hope you find happiness and fulfillment, and relax. you're okay. in the end, the world doesnt care what you fantasize about.

I really like Phoster's comment here:

Nor should the rest of the world care! At least you guys are laying it on the line. I wonder what the results would be if the rest of the world was that honest. I bet we would see a whole new definition of fantasy!

Much love,
Larry