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#132239 - 12/03/05 11:09 AM I guess i am whining (trigger)
Liam Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/03/03
Posts: 41
Loc: Currently South Africa
My girlfriend recently left me for no other reason than she wanted me to be more sexual with her. The truth is that i long for it and yet i am afraid of it. People ask me if i am a virgin and i am not sure. The last time i counted i were sexually molested by four different men. Ranging from 12 years older to thirty years older. All happened to me between the ages 6 to eleven. One of them were the worst and he did not not spare me much of any innocence. I am repulsed by them and yet now more than ever i feel attracted to any man who shows that he loves me or care for me. I really loved her but she were molested to. I masturbate - but use no phantatsys while doing it. In fact i dont think of anyone or anything. I dont even enjoy this anymore. I masturbated four times in the last five months. I try to destroy and kill every part of me that wants to be sexual - yet i am a man and long for it to be something more than a memory of the past - or guilt - or shame or a tension releaser feeling. Its so hard when your caught and you dont know the way out. I want to experiment and yet i wont allow myself to. I question my faith - my past - what i am. I feel like i am nothing more than a spermbank for macho men. I live like an angel yet feel like a whore. I do things to myself that i cannot even talk about yet i am hopefull. I try so hard not to get counselling for every one tells me that their is nothing wrong. When i asked my parents why they thought i tried suicide at the age of 16 - they told me that i were selfish and pridefull. I love them - I dont love what is hidden and embossed inside of me. Why do i long for the same sexual experience these men put me through yet dispise and hate them. They took more from me than anyone ever did. They pulled up their pants and walked away but i am still there - laying naked on the floor. How anyone love me at all amazes me. I feel jaded. No this is not a depressed state i am in. I guess talking about it makes me feel better about it. To know their is others reading this - like you - gives me some hope. To know that i am not alone in this gives me strength. I am a survivor and i have been told multiple times not to claim that. Will i ever move forward without my past?


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#132240 - 12/03/05 09:01 PM Re: I guess i am whining (trigger)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Liam,

It sounds to me that your abuse experiences as a child have taught you that sex is a dangerous and bad thing. What you have described here and elsewhere would, I think, be enough to throw a wrench in the works of any relationship or effort to be meaningfully intimate with another person. The fault is not yours - it's your reaction as a child to what was done to you. The blame belongs to those who harmed you.

As adults we often react to all this by "acting out": doing things that can harm us, but that relieve our pain because at least WE are the ones initiating what is going on. Again, you are not alone.

Why do you yearn for the same sexual experience those guys put you through? Good question. One possible answer is that part of you still feels that this is you - or all you are good for. A totally wrong view of things of course, but again, very common. When I was being abused I was terrified of my abuser, but when he didn't come after me for awhile I wondered what had I done wrong, and in a strange way I missed him when it all ended. These are just a few of the ways abuse messes with our minds bro.

You said this, and I thought it's pretty important:

Quote:
I try so hard not to get counselling for every one tells me that their is nothing wrong. When i asked my parents why they thought i tried suicide at the age of 16 - they told me that i were selfish and pridefull. I love them - I dont love what is hidden and embossed inside of me.
Liam, a teenager doesn't attempt suicide because he is selfish and proud - he does it because he feels trapped in an intolerable situation that robs life of all its meaning.

I would suggest that you have been poorly advised by those who tell you nothing is wrong. Suicide attempt? Raped child? Hello? Abuse is very difficult to get past, and it's extremely complicated. You really should get professional help. It isn't a shame or a sign of weakness to do so. In fact it takes a lot of courage for a man to seek help on an issue like this.

Yes Liam, you can move forward. Things can get a LOT better. A therapist will help you so much there, and it is the T's job to help you with what is "hidden and embossed inside", as you put it.

That stuff inside, by the way, isn't the real Liam. It's the fears and distorted thinking you were left with as a result of abuse. You don't get to forget bro, any more than a soldier gets to forget the terrible experiences of war. But you go get peace and freedom - you get Liam back.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132241 - 12/07/05 03:49 AM Re: I guess i am whining (trigger)
Liam Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/03/03
Posts: 41
Loc: Currently South Africa
Larry

Thanks for the encouragement. Some nights its just so difficult to make sense of it all. I have a possible therapist in mind. I long to live and enjoy life as a man free from that which still haunts me. Every time i write here i feel a bit better. Thanks again
liam


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#132242 - 12/12/05 03:28 AM Re: I guess i am whining (trigger)
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
liam in many ways we feel the same ,i have asked if i am a virgin too ,i never had sex with a girl but did all the same things you describe with the same kind of men .my abuser would beat me during sex so for me sex equals pain ,how crazy is that ?i don't know how i will ever change the way i feel about sex . adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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