Supposedly... Taken from ACTUAL
FEDERAL EMPLOYEE JOB EVALUATION SHEETS:
(The ones with stars are some of my favorites)
*"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."*
*"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."*
*"I would not allow this employee to breed."*
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
*"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."*
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
*"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."*
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
***"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."***
**"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."**
*"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."*
"A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He doesn't have ulcers, he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
*"When his I.Q. reaches 50 we should sell."*
*"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."*
*"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."*
**"A prime candidate for natural deselection."**
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
*"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."*
*"Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."*
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
*"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."*
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
**"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."**
"One neuron short of a synapse."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
*"Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."*
**"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."**
I'll add a few:
"His rent's due & the eviction notice is on the way."
"His elevator doesn't reach the top floor."
"He's one banana short of a bunch."