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#132193 - 11/10/05 12:32 AM I am always in a sexual confused state
alex Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/09/05
Posts: 5
Loc: East Meadow Long Island
From age 11 until about 16 I was fondled, raped, sex toy and whatever else the neighbor guy did to me and I guess he finally saw my end stages of puberty that he stopped touching me and went off to someone else. At age 18 a guy friend of mine continously pestered me to have sex with him until I agreed. To get away from all that I joined the military found a wife whom I am still married to and have 2 girls age 20 and 13 who I protect. since those early days I still go back in time and reflect on what happened. If I smell, taste or feel something similar to the past I still get those feelings back. I love my wife but I usually go to porn shops or cruise the internet looking for cheap self masturbation trying to off on gay porn. I don't know why all I know it takes me away from reality for a bit. Alcohol takes on a big part of my life from time to time especially during trying times. I was really confused during my oldest daughter turning the same age that I was raped and had a time coping now my other daughter is 13 and although it is not as traumatic as before I still get flashbacks every now and then. When is all this going to stop? I am always in a confused state of sexuality. I am straight acting and have straight friends. During drunken states I have come on to 3 of my best friends and all rejected my advances but we still remained friends even after that. It's like I have this demon within myself and I have to feed it male sex. The times that I had cheap sex at porn shops or bars I have always been very safe and careful. I don't want to do that anymore but I know somehow that urge is going to eat at me little by little until I feed it male sex. I guess that is why I have been drinking about 6 beers each day for the past 4 weeks and haven't cruised the shops. Any advise to my confusion?

_________________________
alex pena

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#132194 - 11/10/05 01:50 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Wow Alex! There's a whole truck load of brutal honesty. I see you're new here, so I also wanted to welcome you to the site and all of us guys here trying to work through issues like you bravely just wrote about.

Alex, I hear what you say in your confusion about seeking out male sex despite everything else in your life. I have similar life circumstances to you and whilst I haven't "acted out" on some of those issues that you raised, I fear that inside of me if I was placed in a situation that I felt powerless or vulnerable I think I would just roll over and allow myself to be abused all over again.

What's all that about? I don't know, so you're not alone. I'm trying to find out and work through it all, and the fact that you are here, it sounds like you are too. So again, you're not alone.

Alex, I don't know how many posts you've read here at MS, but I'd say, continue to read and interact. We all get to help each other through mutual and non-judgemental understanding and by sharing our triumphs and hurts.

I can only imagine the posts that are going to follow in this thread. They will be from guys just like you and me who've been there and either won or are in the process.

Take care, and be kind to yourself. You are a wonderful work in progress.


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#132195 - 11/10/05 06:18 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Rivers Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 67
Loc: PA -USA
I'm just learning myself alex... but it seems to me that "triggers" are what causes us to "act out" and do things we are not engaging in normally. I have lived with sexual confusion my whole life. I am happily married and have children. I feel that my homosexual feelings have been thrust on me from the SA... for the first 8 to 10 years of marriage I had terrible problems acting out... I was living in a homosexual fantacy world during lovemaking with my wife. I hated myself afterwords because I loved her and felt she deserved more than that from me. I enjoyed her company, wit, beauty and many other things... but when it came time for our intimacy I was so dysfunctional - I truly couldn't be any other way. I was chronic in materbation sometimes 3-4 times in a day I would binge on it (which gave me problems performing with her). Anyway, I had to work this out, or tell her that I couldn't go on living a lie with her. Because of some deep faith issues... I told her what I was going through and about the abuse. She decided to stick it out with me but for a year I "fasted our sex life" with her conscent - I decided to work at getting out of my fantacy world. It was a huge struggle to stop materbating because of the phycological and physiological reasons. But with "determination and faith" I stuck it out. After that year I am happy to say my sex life changed emmensly. My mind was free of sexual fantacy and the intimacy I started to experience with her was a connection I had never experienced before - emotionally and mentally. I didn't know how good sex could really be. Before I felt like a dish cloth that was used too many times and was worn out and stinky.

When I am really stressed I still have "desires" to be with men... I have materbated in some of those times, but I feel that is caused from my abuse - more often I seem to be drawn to look at the "bulge" in the front when I get like that. The habits - some pornography (gay) but mostly fanticizing with being with men and materbating to no end are gone. I'm 42 and have been working on this for several years, it didn't happen over night.

Now I am working on the pain from my abuse and all of the "repressed" anger I have had. The memories I have had recently has been like a plug coming off the the dam. When I told her about my abuse I could only remember part of it. Fortunately or "unfortunately" over the past month since I started to work on my emotions and get the anger out I have remembered some very traumatic things and behaviors that I had blocked. I guess our recovery comes in stages as we are willing to face the truth, accept it and make decisions to change or deal with it.

Thanks for being so candid... I felt that it deserved a candid response. Again what worked for me may not be your way or road but if it helps in anyway - well, I'd be happy.

You guys are just awesome!
Riv

_________________________
The sum of a man's life is... His ability and capasity to love and value others.

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#132196 - 11/10/05 05:57 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
TX_Space Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 163
Loc: Texas
Alex,
Welcome to MS...sorry you have to be here. I don't know how to answer your questions above but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. You are so brave in posting here but it's good to speak up. If nothing else, you will learn that you're not alone.

There a many good men here with incredible advice. Read and read some more.

Like you I have a problem with the same behaviors. I am working on them. Sadly, it took my wife leaving me before I took action. I still haven't found the answer...still beat myself up over my inability to control the "demon" (as you put it). I've gotten wonderful advice here. I'm working in a 12-step program for sexual addiction.

All of this is a result of my CSA...I know that now. I used to put each part of me in a different container in my brain. The CSA was something that happened but it didn't hurt me...it just was. The porn, mb and acting out was an addiction but in my head the two weren't connected. NOW, after months of therapy...I know that it's all connected.

Keep strong...and keep working. If possible, find a therapist to talk through this with. Continue to talk with your brothers here. There is much help and comfort to be had in these boards.

Take care...
tx_space


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#132197 - 11/11/05 03:52 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
alex Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/09/05
Posts: 5
Loc: East Meadow Long Island
Thank you all for your warm advise and yes I shall keep reading the MS site hoping for more answers to questions that I have and thanks Grunty for the invitation to the site.

If a round peg can fit into a round hole then Rivers reply couldn't have fit any better. As I read your reply I forgot it was you who I was reading about and not me. I lived that and how strange we are the same age, hhmmm. I have done the same process you did and even in the beginning I bought a book on turning myself to complete straigthness but sadly the demons come out. I too am consistently charged full of sexual energy and during very stressful events I masturbate 3x a day but doing those times I think it is just the wanting the release of dopamine and the other natural high we get. I think I fasted for men for about 9 years in our early marriage then the flood gates slowly opened and have been struggling for about 13 years.

I don't have sex with women other than my wife. when I was single or the few times that I did cheat on my wife with women I always found it hard to climax or cum but when I have sex with my wife it has always been normal.

Thanks TX_space for your thoughts and invitation too. I feel comfortable here and not like when I was in Hawaii I joined a group called "adults molested as children." Not that I was uncomfortable with the group it was just that the goup included all females and when we did have a fellow male (2 of them total) they were molested by females so I could never relate to them so I could hardly ever open up honestly. They finally recommended that I visit a counselor to talk about myself and the molestaton but the pschologist that I saw was terrible. First, he said while I was trying to download that I should make a verbal contract with him that I wouldn't fall for him (like in sexually) and I was flabbergasted to say the least. I quickly said I wouldn't fall for him since I honestly thought he was a jackass and not in the bit "my type" hahaha. Then towards the 2nd time (yes I went again) after I downloaded my events and mind you it was the first time I every told anyone so I was very hesitant he says that I was not telling him the truth. Needless to say I never went back and told my goup and my goup counselor and she never referred anyone else to him.

Thanks again and hope to read some more info on this site.
Alex

_________________________
alex pena

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#132198 - 11/24/05 06:13 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
tricky Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/19/05
Posts: 8
Loc: Sydney Aus
I thought I'd come in here and have a read because the title stuck a chord with me.

I too question and struggle with my sexual identity most of the time. I keep asking my self am I str8, bi or gay and most of the time I feel asexual. I have been married for 13 yrs and for about the last 6 or 7 I have doubted my sexuality more than ever. Yep I have "acted out" on a few occasions, and your right Grunty I have, "just rolled over and let myself become abused all over again". I don't know why I allow myself to feel bad all over again. Why am I torturing myself? What did I do that was so bad that all I think I deserve is self hatered? Or is it that I want to continue to hate myself for allowing the abuse to occur when I was a kid?

I know I shouldn't but there is some comfort at times in feeling bad about what happened. I sit here now and my initial thoughts are that the child in me still believes that he did something to bring upon the abuse (logically and intellectually I know that this is not the case). It's like I'm emotionally stunted and still that 6 y.o boy who survived as best he could by withdrawing from the world around him. No wonder I get so frustrated and down on myself.

Deep down in my gut I know I'm probably looking for the nurturing I never had from either of my parents or my siblings. The times I have "acted out" have never been about me or my satisfaction it's always been about me pleasing the person. Pretty much like when my bro used to rape me I was and always am detached and emotionless.

Sorry I got off the track

tricky


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#132199 - 11/24/05 08:37 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I read through this thread when it first started and I didn't post to it because I felt insecure. I didn't know why. I now think it was just that reading what you guys say focuses me so sharply on my own sexual confusion and dysfunction.

I am straight and have never had any sexual contacts with males except as abuse and a few times messing around masturbating with friends when I was a kid - just being curious and naughty is how I see it.

But my real reaction to all this, and thinking about my own abuse experience, has always been to crash out and just become asexual I think. I never "chased" girls for the sake of sex, and any one-night stands I had were all flings fueled by alcohol and drugs more than sexual desire. I had a number of girlfriends, but all my memories of sex with them are overwhelmed with feelings of unrest and - somehow - fear. I often thought of sex with male friends, somehow believing that if I serviced them that would make them like me, and when I developed a close friendship with another guy I always wondered was he really coming on to me. Things were okay with my wife of 24 years now, but since emerging from denial it is my usual story - crash and burn.

I wonder why this is, and why we all react as we do, but then I think back to when we were boys. Other kids were learning about sexuality gradually and from other kids our own age, and moving forward into this strange and scary territory at their own pace. We, on the other hand, were learning about sex as victims and exploited wrecked children. What foundations did we have?

Is this just an excuse? I don't know.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132200 - 11/25/05 06:29 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona


_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#132201 - 11/25/05 08:15 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hey Alex I sent you a PM

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#132202 - 11/26/05 01:41 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Alex, I really do apologize for my post. The last thing you needed was a spoiled brat rant, and that's what I gave you. I really am ashamed. Sorry.

Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#132203 - 11/30/05 04:33 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
I too am confused about my sexual identity. I am married but only have sex a few times a year. I go to some gay websites and like the older men, that is what I was used to when younger, my first sexual experience. I used to be gaga and weak in the knees over women but nowadays I don't. I love the look of women but I look at how they are dressed and the shape of their body now wish I was born a woman. I fantasized and day dream about being a woman. From time to time I will cross dress at home too. I don't like being the agressor in a relationship, I don't want to be the dominant partner.


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#132204 - 12/08/05 01:54 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
freemen Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/20/05
Posts: 18
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Wow - a question I've been dealing with for years - actually every day. I brought this up in another forum, but for me it's the triggers.

Pleasing another man is important and I can't say all men, but many men who have similar mannerisms or voice tones or looks as my childhood abuser.

For instance, there's a man I work with who has the same sense of humour as I - same work ethic - we've hit it off from the beginning. But when he comes over to my desk and stands in a certain way - pelvis thrust forward - my whole body tenses up and I start to get all childlike - and anxious - as I think he's going to ask me to suck him or that I just should be offering it.

Of course he's not going to - but it's there every day, and therefore I deal with my sexuality everyday. Would I enjoy it? I don't know if "enjoy" is the word. I would be fulfilling my duty to please him and would have no issue sucking him.

I actually brought this up to my second therapist after a year of sessions. I told him that in the past few months, since we'd opened up doors I felt the ability to be more honest with him, but at the same time, I was waiting for him to ask me to suck him - and actually, driving to the sessions, I'd rehearse how to get out of it, or IF I should - or IF I would have to show him what I did.

Well, we talked about it a little bit, but he only asked questions. He never said NO THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN HERE. He became quite uncomfortable and I realized (later) that I had started to shut down as soon as I brought that up and it wasn't dealt with.

Anyway - there we go - my wife of 23 years knows about it. She can even see me slipping into the childhood pleasing stage and can yank me out of it. But frankly, sometimes, its just easier to be there.


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#132205 - 12/09/05 03:08 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
endlessjourney Offline
Member

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
Alex, I would have to agree with most of us in here by saying that did take an immeasureable amount of courage. I admire that.

Basically, I can relate to the inner demon you speak of. Believe it or not, I have not had any of those urges in a long time. I've had them enter my mind but they cant control me anymore. THE COURAGE TO HEAL (by:Laura Davis)is a great book that deals with that issue. I learned that I could learn to control those urges. I know you feel ashamed after they come and go but there is no reason for that shame. You'll figure it out. I've learned that those urges or Fantasies that I've had were about me being abused, humiliated, and rendered completely helpless. For some reason, that urge completely took control of me. I am extremely attracted to women myself but those fantasies I had confused the heck out of me. I once new a counciler that had told me that a persons sexuality should not be rated as Gay, Straight, or Bye. Its should be rated on something like a likert scale which is basically like a scale from one to 10. If you try and look at it this way, maybe it will be more comforting for you in that you don't have to put a label on yourself. I'm not gay bye or straight, I am me. I know its so damn confusing and it can make you miserable. Just remember, you are exactly where you need to be. Courage and patience my friend, courage and patience.

_________________________
Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

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#132206 - 12/18/05 12:15 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
smbon Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/18/05
Posts: 1
I am a 23 year old male. I am having similiar thoughts as you are having, but nothing within me is allowing me to act them out. I have never masterbated to gay porn never had these feelings ever until a few days ago. I feel like I see a man and I should do something to him. But nothing inside of me wants to, it grosses me out. I have had a girlfriend for the last 4 years and have never thought anything about this while we are having sex. I haven't seen her for a few months because I am studying my masters program in Spain. I am afraid it will wreck my sex life when she comes but I don't know yet because she will be here in 4 days. I can't get aroused by the thought of a man so the images and thoughts make me feel almost asexual, so wierd. I have been having anxiety attacks about uit because I can't quit questioning myself, I keep thinking I'm gay for even thinking along these lines.

At first I thought it had something to do with a friend that I experimented with when I was twelve, but I've checked that one off I know that does not make me who I am. Therefore I have com to the conclusion that it must have something to do with the sexual abuse that I suffered when i was child. My sexual abuse is only fuzzy memory I remember where it happened and some vulnerability but thats it. When it occurred I was three or four and I would not tell anyone what happened to me for fear that I would not be allowed to see my father. So I am wondering about what happened to me I just feel vulnerable and have the wierd thoughts as you had.

How do you recommend I reconcile this wierd stuff to myself?


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#132207 - 12/25/05 06:51 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
truenature Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/25/05
Posts: 3
Loc: San Francisco, CA
I was abused, but it is unclear what happened sexually, since, if it happened, it happened when I was very small. There was continued physical abuse through my early to mid childhood. When I was a young adult, I experienced attractions to 12, 13 year old boys. This really alarmed me. I became intensely involved in therapy. I then went into various meditation and other eastern religious groups and methods. When I came out to California in my mid-20s in the late 70s I got involved with a community of people who were into all sorts of ‘New Age’ and eastern spiritual methods, including martial arts and Hindu Gurus. The gist of it was that when I first arrived, I immediately became involved with some kind of radical therapy. I sat on a cliff in Southern California and wrote out my early childhood memory, and there were memories of abuse. I went through all sorts of screaming and crying. I began to see the patterns of physical and physiological abuse with my father and grandfather and beyond. Up to this point, I never acted out any of my attractions to early teen boys and after this whole radical therapy it pretty much went out of me. I figured it was because I could see where the abuse came from. However, I still had serious identity issues. At a point further on I got involved with another therapy and had a tremendous experience in which I pretty much totally identified with my therapist and all of the sudden I felt very ‘heterosexual’, and noticed women in a whole different way. I started to come onto women and had a couple of girlfriends. It seemed as though the past had disappeared. However, I came into a very stressful situation, became isolated and then returned to my past confused state. I became much more drawn to the gay scene. I did have a fulfilling and intense friendship with a gay man and have had two girlfriends since, the last one lasting 5 and one half years. But there was a serious issue with my attractions to men. I have had a man friend that I had sex with for years, not during my hetero relationships, but between. When I broke up with my x, I committed myself to somehow settling this confusion. Early part of this year, I had more intense sex with my long time male friend, but it was not right, we are really not family. But I could see that a gay relationship can work given certain commitments. But I have found that there is great hope in resolving my male sexuality in such a way that I can have confidence with a woman. I find that I get attracted to women in the 20s. The homosexuality has great attraction but is associated with my abuse. I believe that I can find love in a greater way with a woman. It has taken me a long time to accept my masculinity, since masculinity was associated with abuse and cruelty. To deal with it all, I spent a lot of time looking at male pornography. And my homosexuality was compulsive fantasy. At this time, I am working on not involving myself with male pornography (it has been over a month now) and doing my meditation and martial practices to circulate my energy, when possible. I am going to give it about 6 months to see if I can recover a certain spirit in my heart that has brought me a kind of resolution in the past. To see if I can find peace in my heart with men and with my own masculinity. At that time, I will think about what kind of partner I want, whether man or woman. But I don’t want to come to it from a place of compulsion, and I don’t want to lie to a woman. I want to straighten out what has been crooked. Thanks for all the posts, I can relate. You are all heros. This stuff is tough to deal with.

_________________________
truenature

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#132208 - 12/26/05 11:27 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Truenature,

You sketch out a pattern of a lot of confusion, apprehension and drifting. But it doesn't surprise me. After all, youth is the time when a boy lays down the solid foundations he needs for a healthy attitude towards sexuality. If that boy is abused, then the foundations no longer get set down as they should be, and what is already there is wrecked.

One thing I wonder is whether you have been with the right therapist. There are so many approaches, and of course Ts are just as much individuals as we are. Perhaps you have been in a program that just doesn't suit you.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#132209 - 12/26/05 11:33 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Smbon,

Sorry you didn't get any replies to your request. That sometimes happens on the discussion board. A post just gets missed, and it doesn't mean you are being ignored.

For a young boy to be abused by his own father would be a very heavy and destructive experience. The boy will wonder why this has happened and maybe he just isn't worth any more than this. And if he cannot tell anyone, he will feel guilty and alone.

The images you are having may be recollections of those old feelings as a boy. How to reconcile them with how you feel now? Well, unfortunately that is something that few of us - if any - can do without professional help. The task is very complicated and requires a lot of work, but it is well worth it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#132210 - 12/27/05 03:57 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
truenature Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/25/05
Posts: 3
Loc: San Francisco, CA
Larry,
I want to make progress without a therapist and with my own will. I know that I would feel better working with a therapist. I worked with a couple in the past three years and both were very good. I actually worked with them during the same time stretch - they had different approaches. I have come to a place where I feel I need to dig my feet in the ground with myself and allow myself to feel my strength. I will give this my 6 month period. In my experiences with therapy I have seen men who never leave therapy. I don't want to be one of them. I am sorry if my narrative indicates just drifting. I have come a long way. I know I have it in me to turn over to a new beginning. I have made new ‘beginnings’ in the past, but had always depended on an external therapist or group. These beginnings taught me things, but I did not maintain after the situation passed. I feel it in my gut to work on this part on my own. I have no regrets about the therapists that I have worked with. All the ones I worked with any intensity were all fantastic. And, anycase, therapists are expensive. I need to move out of my current job into something new. I need to let go of the past. Believe or not, I know every corner of my past, and there is no point in going over it. It is way over. I love my father. It is just the force of habit that arises out of psychological structures that originated in trauma. The first job is to uncover the trauma. The next step is to understand the resulting structure. The next step is to understand the abuser, and the following is to forgive the abuser. To have compassion for the abuser. The next steps are even more difficult. That is to build a new life. The force of inertia lies in egotistical attachments. The difficulty is that you have to do it on your own. I have been in plenty of groups and theraputic situations. Ultimately, the work is my own. That is where I am coming from. I have to take the final step. I cannot fail in that the intention itself is a success. If I fail in some respects, I do have theraputic help to go to. But I have no regrets.

_________________________
truenature

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#132211 - 12/27/05 06:18 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Truenature,

Your approach to how you plan to deal with things over the next few months shows a lot of strength, character and determination. I think you are especially right when you say this:

Quote:
I cannot fail in that the intention itself is a success.
I wish you all the best in your quest. Only you can determine the course you will follow, and it is always good to be looking forward with hope and confidence, as you are doing, rather than back with regret.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#132212 - 12/27/05 07:03 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
truenature Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/25/05
Posts: 3
Loc: San Francisco, CA
Thanks Larry,

Bill

_________________________
truenature

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#132213 - 12/28/05 05:25 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Tim Strait Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Madison, WI
Hello Alex--

Like so many have said, please know that you are not alone. Sounds like your perpetrator was a skilled manipulator. I would like to offer some advice; I am a survivor and a psychotherapist, but this is not meant to "electronic therapy" in any way.

Find and read the book "Male Victims of Same-Sex Abuse: Addressing Their Sexual Response" by John Preble and Nicholas Groth (2002:Sidran Press) It is a relatively easy book to read and it has good, solid information which is presented well and educates us as Survivors. Some of the vignettes from Survivors do stir up some intense feelings, however.

Second, find a good male therapist who you can connect with. Your background as it is presented in your posting suggests to me that cognitive-behavioral therapy might be a good match for you--it usually is for most men--but make sure you ask a potential therapist about that. A skilled clinician will help you really learn why you have these urges and he will teach you that you CAN control your thoughts and your behaviors in a way that makes sense to you. Once you know what your tiggers are--you know three of them already according to your posting--smells, tastes, and feelings--you can pick and choose from a toolbox of cognitive-behavioral interventions your therapist teaches you. The really great thing is that you can get a lot of bang for the buck from cognitive-behavioral interventions because they can be used in many different situations.

I hope this helps you in some way. I can empathize with you and I can tell you that many other men in your situation have been able to meet their goals of avoiding quick hookups and out of sex shops and backrooms. And--always remember to celebrate your successes on this journey--even the small ones--at the time of your posting you were able to stay away from cruising activity for 4 weeks!


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#132214 - 02/02/06 11:25 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Hello all,

I have been away from the site for a very long time. 3 hurricanes and a change of jobs has been keeping me busy.

It's so odd that I tend to keep coming back when I'm in trouble and confused. But, I think that's a common occurrence.

For those of you who don't know me, I was SA when I was 8 years old the first time and then a couple of times subsequent to that. I am married for 24 years, but have always felt in the back of my mind that I am gay.

I couldn't believe how many of you have the confusion arise during times of stress. I have had 4 back operations and when I get in a serious pain cycle, this seems to trigger everything. OR, there will be other triggers - the latest being the release of Breakback Mountain.

I haven't seen the movie as of yet and doubting that I will. From the plot reviews, it seems like it would be all too painful for me. when I get into these states of confusion, I end up super-horny and feel like I have the "antennae" up and ready. However, I have never been unfaithful and keep my activities to fantasizing and BO.

But, even that makes me feel guilty. I feel that my wife deserves better. It makes me feel less of a "man" whatever that means. But the difference for me is that it's not really the actual sex that I desire - I start thinking about what I really want.... I miss the bond that only comes from that type of relationship.

Sometimes I feel that I would be perfectly happy if I had a male friend who was not afraid to express his affection for me. Now, whether or not that would lead to actual sex is another question.

Anyway, the guilt only brings about more confusion which brings about more guilt. It's a horrible cycle. Sometimes I feel like getting a divorce and leading the life of a hermit - that way I won't screw up anyone's life but my own.

And the tragic thing is about all of this is that this forum is one of the very FEW available to us men. I feel that most men live lives of quiet desperation. Then I become even more confused searching the Internet to find surveys that say that over 70% of men (whether gay or straight) say that if the opportunity arose for MB with another guy and the assurance that it would hurt no one, that they would consider and/or do it. so where does that leave us?

Are we as a culture really messed up? And does the SA and the feelings with it only amplify what a lot of men feel anyway?

Is it time for me to crawl under a rock? And then, I'm pushing 50 and think that I'm also going thru a midlife crisis. I feel very unattractive because of thinning hair, scars from kidney surgery, back surgery, etc. I really don't believe when female co-workers tell me that I'm handsome - not the "model" kind of handsome, but good-looking enough, but then my personality takes it over the top.

As a joke, one day I wore a tuxedo to work. ONe of the female security guards to me that if I weren't married that she would be after me in a flash. I didn't believe it.

does anyone feel like this?

Thanks in advance,

SD

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#132215 - 02/03/06 01:21 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Sophie's Dad,

First of all, welcome back! \:\) It's so good to see you posting again. I know you had a hard time with the hurricanes and other issues, and I hope things are looking up.

I think both men and women get a raw deal from the constant bombardment of the media about what men and women "should" do or be like. There are these ideals that we are forced to confront all the time, and the bitter truth is that no one can possibly attain perfection. So we are left, as you say, in "quiet desperation".

My daughter recently put it her response to this nonsense to me in this way: "I don't want to be perfect or even normal - I just want to be happy." I think that's the way to go.

So yes, I would answer your question and say absolutely - as survivors we feel exaggerated forms of feelings that many other guys also have. But what helps me, bro, is to say this. Feelings don't define me unless I allow them to. For example, you feel "very unattractive because of thinning hair, scars from kidney surgery, back surgery, etc." Can you take those feelings and limit them to signals of areas you need to work on? Why are you sensitive about these features in particular? What can you do to overcome these feelings? I guess what I am getting at is this: if you FEEL unattractive, that doesn't mean you ARE unattractive. In fact, as you yourself say, there is lot's of evidence to the contrary!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132216 - 02/13/06 03:38 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
1234 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/13/06
Posts: 2
Reading these entries truly brings tears to my eyes because I am dealing with it everyday. I am the wife of a male survivor (and a survivor myself). My husband just recently told me that he had three extra martial affairs with men over the last eight years of our marriage (we have been married for 13. (This inforamtion was disclosed to me after I found his personal ad with pictures on a gay website). He and I had been previously discussing his "curiousity" to men and if it related to his abuse (but at the time I did not know about the affairs). We have been in therapy for several months and we both desire to create a relationship that isn't dominated by our past abuse. I have yet to deal with the betrayal of the affairs because I have such an intense fear that his "sexual confusion" will lead to him telling me that he's gay. I'm not sure what to do next...every book, website, and therapist has said to be patient. But as I sit in therapy and read these books and talk to my husband about the issues I wonder....Is it all in vain? Will he tell me he's gay in a month? a year? 10 Years? Then where will I be emotionally????


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#132217 - 02/13/06 05:38 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
1234:

I know that it's hard to deal with this... I've been married 22 years and I get to the point that I really wonder if I should have married at all. Then the guilt sets in. I have always been faithful because I just can't bring myself to do anything outside the marriage. I have always understood if someone had a "slip" but wondered why would people stay married if they are having long-standing affairs.

I can say from the point of view of a male survivor, it's frighteningly frustrating. I don't have any fear of being either considered straight or gay. I just want to be true to myself. It is just a kick in the face when you live your life in constant flux and wonder.

I'm not minimizing your feelings at all and I hope you realize this - I'm just trying to let you know that it's just as confusing and frightening on the part of your husband.

If you have a good T, you will be able to work thru these things together. The most important thing is to try and not fear the outcome. Isn't it better to find out who and what you are and build a life where each of you (or both still together) is living a fulfilling life? I find that infinitely more desirable than living a lie for an entire lifetime of frustration.

SD

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#132218 - 02/14/06 03:45 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
george of kent Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/05
Posts: 305
Loc: delaware
Gentlemen,
Your candor in this thread is truly awesome and bodes well for the outcome of your journeys.
Just one word of caution for Alex from a recovering drunk: As you recognize in your first posting here, alcohol seems to play much too large a part in the way you have been coping with this frightening and confusing issue. Besides "escaping" - but only for a short while - from the problem at hand, booze overindulgence can really fuck up your life in all the other areas where you have been functioning well.
If this becomes a problem for you, consider checking out AA. I have no doubt that Twelve stepping saved my life.
Love, etc.,

_________________________
"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents

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#132219 - 02/15/06 09:18 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Roderick Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 22
Loc: California



Keep the faith, all of you.


Edited by Roderick (10/30/12 04:36 PM)
_________________________

Roderick

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#132220 - 02/21/06 06:45 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Steve B Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/21/06
Posts: 5
Loc: NH
WOW.. I am absolutely amazed that there are guys out there struggling with the same issues I am.

I am not alone! I am not alone!

Thank you for having this forum.

I am married, 8 years.. 2 kids.
Survivor of same sex abuse from age 4-19..
Many Many Many (26) perps..

I have lots of confusion.. I have spent years in therapy going through times when I feel healed and times where I feel back at square one.

I lived a gay lifestyle before my marriage.. fell in love with my wife.. got married.. had kids.. but I still struggle with the feelings.. the desires..

I am in shock that there are others out there that share the same feelings..


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#132221 - 02/26/06 07:49 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
sonny upside down Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 5
Loc: southern california
Hi all,
I am returning here after a few years away. I am in therapy again to deal with my feelings arising from the death of my ex-wife. I thought. More and more the issue comes back to my "gayness" or bisexuality. My current wife knows this and is desperate that I will cheat with a man. I will not. I love my family.
this new reason for my return is that I saw americas most wanted tonight and it had an episode where a grown man realized his past abuse and I was thrown fro a loop( where I remain) They went into great detail describing the abuse and I was devastated and lost and yung and scared and aroused and nauseous all at once. WOW. I am trashed. I remembered this sight from dealing with the sexual abuse by my Mother. I was also abused by an older(5 years) nephew of mine that went on for 6 years. I am so confused . i read this entire thread and decided to post.the triggers thing is so important to me.Smells like dirty underwear set me off. Is thisthe general idea?
thanks for your sharing.

_________________________
peace,
sonny
"the woods are lovely, dark and deep
but I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

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#132222 - 02/26/06 08:12 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Hi Sonny,

Welcome back to this place. My wish is that you once again find the love and support you are looking for in this place.

I'm sure you know this, but you are not alone. My sense is that there are many, if not most of us here who have at one time or another dealt with the issue of our sexuality, or are still dealing with it. I include myself in that group. When and if you feel comfortable doing it, you might suggest to your wife that she participate in the "Family and Friends" forum. There's a lot of support there for spouses and partners of guys like us.

Most of all, please know that you are loved.

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#132223 - 02/27/06 02:36 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
sonny upside down Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 5
Loc: southern california
thanks, walkingsouth,
I have read so many of the posts here today. One strange effect of this renewal is I am not interested in any kind of sex today. This may sound natural but I am ALWAYS thinking of sex or masterbation or fantasies gay and straight, and now I am just scared and feeling dirty again. Like I am awaiting the abuser to initiate. My wife was looking to have sex and I could not initiate. I only hope she leaves me alone tonight. It isn't fair to her but if I dont maintain my focus then this newfound desire to work on this will disappear by the time i go to therapy wednesday afternoon. I am feeling a drawing together of all my issues like I never had before, my homosexual desires, my rage, and my feeling of wothlessness. I think it all comes from the same place, you know? I am very interested in this notion of triggers. I think I understand but it is like a lightning bolt to my heart. any way I am glad this place is here.

_________________________
peace,
sonny
"the woods are lovely, dark and deep
but I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

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#132224 - 02/27/06 03:27 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
sonny,

I understand what you are saying about not wanting sex. I guess I am fortunate that things did not affect me that way, but I have seen it over and over again with my friends here when they are going through this rough time in their lives. You are definitely not alone with that particular trigger.

Again, you are among friends here. I wish you well with your T session on Wed. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#132225 - 02/27/06 04:55 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
as a 21 year old does it seem strange that i dont think about sex at all? the one experience i have had with a girl ended up being a huge trigger for me to the point that i almost hit her ,it was a real mess ,also due to my abuse i can only compare sex to what he did to me ,for me sex equals pain and only pain ,it is disgusting to even think about ,how can i cope with the fact that if a girl even tries to kiss me i flashback to my abuse ,her face became his face ,i could smell his putrid breath and his weight crushing me down ,what the hell did thay do to us? adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#132226 - 02/27/06 06:49 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
I don't want to upset but maybe this won't -

I read in a sexuality magazine - that asserted

most guys like to have sex with guys sometimes

but also then with women and then be with women -

gay - which i am - is someone who likes sex with men - and be with men

so - I have no interest in women - in that -

so i guess if you like to go with a man sometimes -

it is pretty 'normal' aka - done a lot -

but for me - it's really what

i want for my long term

peace -

mgb

- ps - you should see how the bathhouses fill with straight men - of all ages -
on weekends ands stuff -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#132227 - 02/27/06 06:51 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
sorry if this is adding confusion -

because sex was forced on us -

at young ages - there is triggers -

all i know

is become strong in yourself -

and this - through experience will bring peace -

ups and downs to get there -

but the bumps will be less once you know thyself!

and then you can better breach any vicisitude day to day -

\:\)

peace

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#132228 - 02/27/06 09:11 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
scooter Offline
Member

Registered: 05/23/05
Posts: 76
This has been one of the most difficult points of the journey for me. I finally decided to label myself bisexual. I talked with my wife about it and have found great peace in it.

The thing is that I can't understand the abuse from the point of a child (happened when I from 6-8yrs), I'm always an adult in the situation in my memory. Even though it was rape it was still sexual. I wanted the male intimacy and identification but that was sexualized. In my understanding the act was homosexual and I wanted the intimacy - but never the sex.

And I've dealt with it through fantasy and porn, but the more I've worked on the abuse the more my fantasies are about violence to my abuser - taking my sexual power back. And the more I work on it the more I accept my coping is sexual in nature and homosexual events are dealt with as I proceed. Therefore I am bisexual.

Even if I can't understand that I had no choice in being abused I can look to that I have the ability to choose who I am going to be sexual with today and in the future. I find that there is great peace in that and I accept myself for who I am and how I survive. It is a fine line between admiring maleness and wanting to have sex with a man - and that line got erased with the abuse.

But anymore, I don't care. I am making healthy choices. The past is the past, I accept who I am regardless and that brings me great peace. I am no less a man as are you no less a man.

May we all one day find the fulness of peace.


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#132229 - 02/27/06 09:26 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
scooter this is a beautiful statement - and expression -

i so appreciate your strength and resolution -

how awesome - in the true sense of the word -

thanks for sharing this part of you here

journey on

mgb

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#132230 - 03/14/06 06:50 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Roderick Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 22
Loc: California
Scooter-
I have to just commend you on having articulated
the struggle and journey that we men have dealt with and continue to deal with, so brilliantly.
Yes, the past is the past, and we have only this
moment to make a choice.
We must accept our maleness, without judgement,and allow it to empower ourselves so that we are not victimized by the past in our new relationships with men, sexual or non-sexual.
Peace-

_________________________

Roderick

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#132231 - 03/30/06 12:46 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
alex Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/09/05
Posts: 5
Loc: East Meadow Long Island
Scooter I am fascinated that I have someone else that can label themselves bisexual. me too and i do not understand why so many people do not recognize that. they say, "oh, you have to be either gay or straight." well, no i am bisexual. nothing wrong with that at all.

_________________________
alex pena

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#132232 - 03/30/06 01:32 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Alex,

Quote:
they say, "oh, you have to be either gay or straight." well, no i am bisexual. nothing wrong with that at all.
Good for you. At the end of the day, your sexual identity is yours and yours alone. It is up to you and only you to define it and decide what to call it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132233 - 03/31/06 02:27 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
nymij Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/29/06
Posts: 16
Loc: Dallas Metroplex
Wow, again! What a posting. Again, another issue that has been continually confusing and attacking me. Why and how do I love my wife of 16yrs, and two kids, and yet still act out with guys. I can sit back and logically know that triggers set me off. And, I know and can watch me (as if I'm watching a movie) take those first seemingly unimportant decisions that then lead to me acting out and cheating on my wife with a man... This was not easy to say!

I will say though, since I've been reading posts on here, and sharing, the desire to act out has essentially gone away. not sure how that works,but I've been praying for those urges to not be important to me, and it seems they are no longer as much of a stronghold in my mind... They're not gone, but they are not continually making my decisions for me.....

J-

_________________________
Phil 3:13

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#132234 - 03/31/06 06:32 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam,

I was rereading this thread and came across your post to it (sorry I missed it before):

Quote:
as a 21 year old does it seem strange that i dont think about sex at all?
In light of what I know about your horrific abuse experiences, no, it doesn't seem strange to me at all. You already have the explanation in the rest of your post: for you as a boy, sex was about abuse, and now, even though it's all over, these images are still with you. So sure, for you, even as a healthy 21 yo, sex is something that you don't even want to think of yet. What you are doing here is protecting yourself emotionally - nothing more, nothing less.

The big question is how do you feel about this? It would help you as lot to let those feelings out. And THIS comes right back to something I just said to you on another thread: please don't fall into the trap of letting yourself be defined by the faults or crimes of others.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#279355 - 03/13/09 03:10 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state [Re: roadrunner]
bears fan Offline


Registered: 03/03/09
Posts: 1
hi guys. i have question. #1 how did you guys learn that you were bi#2 if i found out i was bi,what would i do then? im married and my wife said i will help you with anything BUT you are not cheating on me.... i understand but how do you supress thoes feelings forever???i dont know what i am but i dont know how to find out. this econimy is so bad we dont have the money for counceling.i need some people to talk to. help help help


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