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#132223 - 02/27/06 02:36 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
sonny upside down Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/26/06
Posts: 5
Loc: southern california
thanks, walkingsouth,
I have read so many of the posts here today. One strange effect of this renewal is I am not interested in any kind of sex today. This may sound natural but I am ALWAYS thinking of sex or masterbation or fantasies gay and straight, and now I am just scared and feeling dirty again. Like I am awaiting the abuser to initiate. My wife was looking to have sex and I could not initiate. I only hope she leaves me alone tonight. It isn't fair to her but if I dont maintain my focus then this newfound desire to work on this will disappear by the time i go to therapy wednesday afternoon. I am feeling a drawing together of all my issues like I never had before, my homosexual desires, my rage, and my feeling of wothlessness. I think it all comes from the same place, you know? I am very interested in this notion of triggers. I think I understand but it is like a lightning bolt to my heart. any way I am glad this place is here.

_________________________
peace,
sonny
"the woods are lovely, dark and deep
but I have promises to keep.
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

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#132224 - 02/27/06 03:27 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
sonny,

I understand what you are saying about not wanting sex. I guess I am fortunate that things did not affect me that way, but I have seen it over and over again with my friends here when they are going through this rough time in their lives. You are definitely not alone with that particular trigger.

Again, you are among friends here. I wish you well with your T session on Wed. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#132225 - 02/27/06 04:55 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
as a 21 year old does it seem strange that i dont think about sex at all? the one experience i have had with a girl ended up being a huge trigger for me to the point that i almost hit her ,it was a real mess ,also due to my abuse i can only compare sex to what he did to me ,for me sex equals pain and only pain ,it is disgusting to even think about ,how can i cope with the fact that if a girl even tries to kiss me i flashback to my abuse ,her face became his face ,i could smell his putrid breath and his weight crushing me down ,what the hell did thay do to us? adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#132226 - 02/27/06 06:49 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
I don't want to upset but maybe this won't -

I read in a sexuality magazine - that asserted

most guys like to have sex with guys sometimes

but also then with women and then be with women -

gay - which i am - is someone who likes sex with men - and be with men

so - I have no interest in women - in that -

so i guess if you like to go with a man sometimes -

it is pretty 'normal' aka - done a lot -

but for me - it's really what

i want for my long term

peace -

mgb

- ps - you should see how the bathhouses fill with straight men - of all ages -
on weekends ands stuff -

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#132227 - 02/27/06 06:51 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
sorry if this is adding confusion -

because sex was forced on us -

at young ages - there is triggers -

all i know

is become strong in yourself -

and this - through experience will bring peace -

ups and downs to get there -

but the bumps will be less once you know thyself!

and then you can better breach any vicisitude day to day -

\:\)

peace

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#132228 - 02/27/06 09:11 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
scooter Offline
Member

Registered: 05/23/05
Posts: 76
This has been one of the most difficult points of the journey for me. I finally decided to label myself bisexual. I talked with my wife about it and have found great peace in it.

The thing is that I can't understand the abuse from the point of a child (happened when I from 6-8yrs), I'm always an adult in the situation in my memory. Even though it was rape it was still sexual. I wanted the male intimacy and identification but that was sexualized. In my understanding the act was homosexual and I wanted the intimacy - but never the sex.

And I've dealt with it through fantasy and porn, but the more I've worked on the abuse the more my fantasies are about violence to my abuser - taking my sexual power back. And the more I work on it the more I accept my coping is sexual in nature and homosexual events are dealt with as I proceed. Therefore I am bisexual.

Even if I can't understand that I had no choice in being abused I can look to that I have the ability to choose who I am going to be sexual with today and in the future. I find that there is great peace in that and I accept myself for who I am and how I survive. It is a fine line between admiring maleness and wanting to have sex with a man - and that line got erased with the abuse.

But anymore, I don't care. I am making healthy choices. The past is the past, I accept who I am regardless and that brings me great peace. I am no less a man as are you no less a man.

May we all one day find the fulness of peace.


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#132229 - 02/27/06 09:26 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
scooter this is a beautiful statement - and expression -

i so appreciate your strength and resolution -

how awesome - in the true sense of the word -

thanks for sharing this part of you here

journey on

mgb

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#132230 - 03/14/06 06:50 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Roderick Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/29/05
Posts: 22
Loc: California
Scooter-
I have to just commend you on having articulated
the struggle and journey that we men have dealt with and continue to deal with, so brilliantly.
Yes, the past is the past, and we have only this
moment to make a choice.
We must accept our maleness, without judgement,and allow it to empower ourselves so that we are not victimized by the past in our new relationships with men, sexual or non-sexual.
Peace-

_________________________

Roderick

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#132231 - 03/30/06 12:46 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
alex Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/09/05
Posts: 5
Loc: East Meadow Long Island
Scooter I am fascinated that I have someone else that can label themselves bisexual. me too and i do not understand why so many people do not recognize that. they say, "oh, you have to be either gay or straight." well, no i am bisexual. nothing wrong with that at all.

_________________________
alex pena

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#132232 - 03/30/06 01:32 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Alex,

Quote:
they say, "oh, you have to be either gay or straight." well, no i am bisexual. nothing wrong with that at all.
Good for you. At the end of the day, your sexual identity is yours and yours alone. It is up to you and only you to define it and decide what to call it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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