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#132193 - 11/10/05 12:32 AM I am always in a sexual confused state
alex Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/09/05
Posts: 5
Loc: East Meadow Long Island
From age 11 until about 16 I was fondled, raped, sex toy and whatever else the neighbor guy did to me and I guess he finally saw my end stages of puberty that he stopped touching me and went off to someone else. At age 18 a guy friend of mine continously pestered me to have sex with him until I agreed. To get away from all that I joined the military found a wife whom I am still married to and have 2 girls age 20 and 13 who I protect. since those early days I still go back in time and reflect on what happened. If I smell, taste or feel something similar to the past I still get those feelings back. I love my wife but I usually go to porn shops or cruise the internet looking for cheap self masturbation trying to off on gay porn. I don't know why all I know it takes me away from reality for a bit. Alcohol takes on a big part of my life from time to time especially during trying times. I was really confused during my oldest daughter turning the same age that I was raped and had a time coping now my other daughter is 13 and although it is not as traumatic as before I still get flashbacks every now and then. When is all this going to stop? I am always in a confused state of sexuality. I am straight acting and have straight friends. During drunken states I have come on to 3 of my best friends and all rejected my advances but we still remained friends even after that. It's like I have this demon within myself and I have to feed it male sex. The times that I had cheap sex at porn shops or bars I have always been very safe and careful. I don't want to do that anymore but I know somehow that urge is going to eat at me little by little until I feed it male sex. I guess that is why I have been drinking about 6 beers each day for the past 4 weeks and haven't cruised the shops. Any advise to my confusion?

_________________________
alex pena

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#132194 - 11/10/05 01:50 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 823
Loc: Australia
Wow Alex! There's a whole truck load of brutal honesty. I see you're new here, so I also wanted to welcome you to the site and all of us guys here trying to work through issues like you bravely just wrote about.

Alex, I hear what you say in your confusion about seeking out male sex despite everything else in your life. I have similar life circumstances to you and whilst I haven't "acted out" on some of those issues that you raised, I fear that inside of me if I was placed in a situation that I felt powerless or vulnerable I think I would just roll over and allow myself to be abused all over again.

What's all that about? I don't know, so you're not alone. I'm trying to find out and work through it all, and the fact that you are here, it sounds like you are too. So again, you're not alone.

Alex, I don't know how many posts you've read here at MS, but I'd say, continue to read and interact. We all get to help each other through mutual and non-judgemental understanding and by sharing our triumphs and hurts.

I can only imagine the posts that are going to follow in this thread. They will be from guys just like you and me who've been there and either won or are in the process.

Take care, and be kind to yourself. You are a wonderful work in progress.


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#132195 - 11/10/05 06:18 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Rivers Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 67
Loc: PA -USA
I'm just learning myself alex... but it seems to me that "triggers" are what causes us to "act out" and do things we are not engaging in normally. I have lived with sexual confusion my whole life. I am happily married and have children. I feel that my homosexual feelings have been thrust on me from the SA... for the first 8 to 10 years of marriage I had terrible problems acting out... I was living in a homosexual fantacy world during lovemaking with my wife. I hated myself afterwords because I loved her and felt she deserved more than that from me. I enjoyed her company, wit, beauty and many other things... but when it came time for our intimacy I was so dysfunctional - I truly couldn't be any other way. I was chronic in materbation sometimes 3-4 times in a day I would binge on it (which gave me problems performing with her). Anyway, I had to work this out, or tell her that I couldn't go on living a lie with her. Because of some deep faith issues... I told her what I was going through and about the abuse. She decided to stick it out with me but for a year I "fasted our sex life" with her conscent - I decided to work at getting out of my fantacy world. It was a huge struggle to stop materbating because of the phycological and physiological reasons. But with "determination and faith" I stuck it out. After that year I am happy to say my sex life changed emmensly. My mind was free of sexual fantacy and the intimacy I started to experience with her was a connection I had never experienced before - emotionally and mentally. I didn't know how good sex could really be. Before I felt like a dish cloth that was used too many times and was worn out and stinky.

When I am really stressed I still have "desires" to be with men... I have materbated in some of those times, but I feel that is caused from my abuse - more often I seem to be drawn to look at the "bulge" in the front when I get like that. The habits - some pornography (gay) but mostly fanticizing with being with men and materbating to no end are gone. I'm 42 and have been working on this for several years, it didn't happen over night.

Now I am working on the pain from my abuse and all of the "repressed" anger I have had. The memories I have had recently has been like a plug coming off the the dam. When I told her about my abuse I could only remember part of it. Fortunately or "unfortunately" over the past month since I started to work on my emotions and get the anger out I have remembered some very traumatic things and behaviors that I had blocked. I guess our recovery comes in stages as we are willing to face the truth, accept it and make decisions to change or deal with it.

Thanks for being so candid... I felt that it deserved a candid response. Again what worked for me may not be your way or road but if it helps in anyway - well, I'd be happy.

You guys are just awesome!
Riv

_________________________
The sum of a man's life is... His ability and capasity to love and value others.

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#132196 - 11/10/05 05:57 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
TX_Space Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/02/05
Posts: 163
Loc: Texas
Alex,
Welcome to MS...sorry you have to be here. I don't know how to answer your questions above but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. You are so brave in posting here but it's good to speak up. If nothing else, you will learn that you're not alone.

There a many good men here with incredible advice. Read and read some more.

Like you I have a problem with the same behaviors. I am working on them. Sadly, it took my wife leaving me before I took action. I still haven't found the answer...still beat myself up over my inability to control the "demon" (as you put it). I've gotten wonderful advice here. I'm working in a 12-step program for sexual addiction.

All of this is a result of my CSA...I know that now. I used to put each part of me in a different container in my brain. The CSA was something that happened but it didn't hurt me...it just was. The porn, mb and acting out was an addiction but in my head the two weren't connected. NOW, after months of therapy...I know that it's all connected.

Keep strong...and keep working. If possible, find a therapist to talk through this with. Continue to talk with your brothers here. There is much help and comfort to be had in these boards.

Take care...
tx_space


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#132197 - 11/11/05 03:52 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
alex Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/09/05
Posts: 5
Loc: East Meadow Long Island
Thank you all for your warm advise and yes I shall keep reading the MS site hoping for more answers to questions that I have and thanks Grunty for the invitation to the site.

If a round peg can fit into a round hole then Rivers reply couldn't have fit any better. As I read your reply I forgot it was you who I was reading about and not me. I lived that and how strange we are the same age, hhmmm. I have done the same process you did and even in the beginning I bought a book on turning myself to complete straigthness but sadly the demons come out. I too am consistently charged full of sexual energy and during very stressful events I masturbate 3x a day but doing those times I think it is just the wanting the release of dopamine and the other natural high we get. I think I fasted for men for about 9 years in our early marriage then the flood gates slowly opened and have been struggling for about 13 years.

I don't have sex with women other than my wife. when I was single or the few times that I did cheat on my wife with women I always found it hard to climax or cum but when I have sex with my wife it has always been normal.

Thanks TX_space for your thoughts and invitation too. I feel comfortable here and not like when I was in Hawaii I joined a group called "adults molested as children." Not that I was uncomfortable with the group it was just that the goup included all females and when we did have a fellow male (2 of them total) they were molested by females so I could never relate to them so I could hardly ever open up honestly. They finally recommended that I visit a counselor to talk about myself and the molestaton but the pschologist that I saw was terrible. First, he said while I was trying to download that I should make a verbal contract with him that I wouldn't fall for him (like in sexually) and I was flabbergasted to say the least. I quickly said I wouldn't fall for him since I honestly thought he was a jackass and not in the bit "my type" hahaha. Then towards the 2nd time (yes I went again) after I downloaded my events and mind you it was the first time I every told anyone so I was very hesitant he says that I was not telling him the truth. Needless to say I never went back and told my goup and my goup counselor and she never referred anyone else to him.

Thanks again and hope to read some more info on this site.
Alex

_________________________
alex pena

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#132198 - 11/24/05 06:13 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
tricky Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/19/05
Posts: 8
Loc: Sydney Aus
I thought I'd come in here and have a read because the title stuck a chord with me.

I too question and struggle with my sexual identity most of the time. I keep asking my self am I str8, bi or gay and most of the time I feel asexual. I have been married for 13 yrs and for about the last 6 or 7 I have doubted my sexuality more than ever. Yep I have "acted out" on a few occasions, and your right Grunty I have, "just rolled over and let myself become abused all over again". I don't know why I allow myself to feel bad all over again. Why am I torturing myself? What did I do that was so bad that all I think I deserve is self hatered? Or is it that I want to continue to hate myself for allowing the abuse to occur when I was a kid?

I know I shouldn't but there is some comfort at times in feeling bad about what happened. I sit here now and my initial thoughts are that the child in me still believes that he did something to bring upon the abuse (logically and intellectually I know that this is not the case). It's like I'm emotionally stunted and still that 6 y.o boy who survived as best he could by withdrawing from the world around him. No wonder I get so frustrated and down on myself.

Deep down in my gut I know I'm probably looking for the nurturing I never had from either of my parents or my siblings. The times I have "acted out" have never been about me or my satisfaction it's always been about me pleasing the person. Pretty much like when my bro used to rape me I was and always am detached and emotionless.

Sorry I got off the track

tricky


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#132199 - 11/24/05 08:37 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I read through this thread when it first started and I didn't post to it because I felt insecure. I didn't know why. I now think it was just that reading what you guys say focuses me so sharply on my own sexual confusion and dysfunction.

I am straight and have never had any sexual contacts with males except as abuse and a few times messing around masturbating with friends when I was a kid - just being curious and naughty is how I see it.

But my real reaction to all this, and thinking about my own abuse experience, has always been to crash out and just become asexual I think. I never "chased" girls for the sake of sex, and any one-night stands I had were all flings fueled by alcohol and drugs more than sexual desire. I had a number of girlfriends, but all my memories of sex with them are overwhelmed with feelings of unrest and - somehow - fear. I often thought of sex with male friends, somehow believing that if I serviced them that would make them like me, and when I developed a close friendship with another guy I always wondered was he really coming on to me. Things were okay with my wife of 24 years now, but since emerging from denial it is my usual story - crash and burn.

I wonder why this is, and why we all react as we do, but then I think back to when we were boys. Other kids were learning about sexuality gradually and from other kids our own age, and moving forward into this strange and scary territory at their own pace. We, on the other hand, were learning about sex as victims and exploited wrecked children. What foundations did we have?

Is this just an excuse? I don't know.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132200 - 11/25/05 06:29 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona


_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#132201 - 11/25/05 08:15 PM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Hey Alex I sent you a PM

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#132202 - 11/26/05 01:41 AM Re: I am always in a sexual confused state
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Alex, I really do apologize for my post. The last thing you needed was a spoiled brat rant, and that's what I gave you. I really am ashamed. Sorry.

Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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