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#132173 - 10/21/05 09:10 PM wasting time on porn
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
A couple nights ago I wasted several hours online surfing gay porn sites, I just kept clicking, came across some dubious sites as well.

I wasn't turned on, or excited, it was like I was zoned out, like a zombie on auto pilot, I was just clicking, looking for something but not finding it.

The next day I felt ashamed when I thought about it, uncomfortable. Wondered about the guys in the pictures, who took the pictures? who were they?
I don't know why, or what it is I'm looking for, since I just keep looking. I don't save the images, I don't evem remember most of them.
When I first discovered internet porn it was really exciting, and addictive, but then after awhile it kind of gets boring, but I still look. There seems to be an inverse relationship between my self-esteem and my interest in porn. When I'm down on myself I'm more interested in porn, when I'm feeling good, busy with work, spending time with friends, etc, then I don't spend time looking for porn.
Sometimes I'm turned on my straight porn, but I don't know if I'm identifying with the guy, or the girl in the image.
I think part of it is control issues, with porn I'm in control, I know, it's all fantasy. My abusers were the ones in controll when it was happening, so maybe it's my attempt to regain control?

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#132174 - 10/26/05 02:58 AM Re: wasting time on porn
willtobecomplete Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 51
Loc: IL
I struggled with the same thing years ago, and had a simmillar reaction to it. Looking back I was finally able to make sense of it. I was acting out what happened like you said, but in a way that i felt in control, then I had all the feelings of shame, guilt, and Ptsd. I realized that it was not a good thing. It was a way of retraumitizing myself and that little boy inside of me, in an act of self hatred, and if I ever wanted that little boy to trust me again and open up to me what he is thinking and feeling, and reveal to me everything that happened, I would have to stop. So I did, was it easy? No way! It was difficlut, but am I glad I did? Yes Yes! You can to, and you will be glad you did.

_________________________
"Him....who is healing all your maladies. Who is reclaiming your life from the very pit" Ps 103:3-4

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#132175 - 10/26/05 03:39 AM Re: wasting time on porn
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
I've always thought of those activities as a way to put ourselves down. Like you said, Galop, "When I'm down on myself I'm more interested in porn, when I'm feeling good, busy with work, spending time with friends, etc, then I don't spend time looking for porn."
When we're down on ourselves, we do or think on something that really defines us as bad, unhealthy, or despicable. I mean, why would we do these things unless we were "bad, unhealthy or despicable," right?
The more we get out what happened to us the less we'll feel the need to do activities that bring us down or make us feel unworthy of positive activities.
Good thread.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#132176 - 10/26/05 03:29 PM Re: wasting time on porn
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
David,

Thanks for those remarks. Reminds me of something someone quoted from Ken Singer (if memory serves): "Talk it out or you will act it out."

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132177 - 10/26/05 04:10 PM Re: wasting time on porn
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
It hits me when I'm feeling controlled by the world, disconnected emotionally, and lonely. I used to look for that one photo where in my imagination I could see that the guy loved me. The hardcore stuff grossed me out--too close to SA, I guess, but I'd scan the web for hours trying to find the guys who were non-threatening, beautiful, and loved me.

It's all fake. Even writing this post I have to remind myself of that. And I think the reason I'd keep going, searching, searching, searching, is that even if I found that one guy who fit the fantasy, it wasn't fulfilling. There wasn't really any love. I was still controlled, stressed, and alone. And so either the search would go on, looking for more and more intense images that might possibly fill this void that my uncle fooled me into thinking SA filled. Or I'd turn inward and MB compulsively.

We need love outside. Like you said,
Quote:
when I'm feeling good, busy with work, spending time with friends, etc, then I don't spend time looking for porn.
That's what has helped me. I had to stop looking to my perp uncle's ways to fill my need for love and acceptance. It's real people and real friends talking about our feelings and feeling accepted, feeling OK for just being me and not because I'm some bad kid who has to lure men to love me. It's such a difficult crutch to let go of. But your post is a reminder to me to not even give in once if I can keep control of myself.

The advice here is good. I think I'm going to have that tattood in reverse print on my forehead: "Talk it out or you will act it out." Really good advice.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#132178 - 10/30/05 10:22 PM Re: wasting time on porn
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
I wasted time again looking at porn last night. I'd had a few beers, kept clicking on links, pics, etc. I wasn't turned on, I was more zoned out.

"Talk it out or you will act it out" is good advice. I put it on a post-it on my monitor today. I also thought of "stop, drop, and roll" -the advice for if you're on fire, except I thought of the "roll" as 'role-play': what it is you're looking for, doing, seeking, thinking, feeling? -instead of clicking, etc.

There was an article posted on another thread, I can't remember if it was posted and/or by Ken Singer, but it was about the process of addictive behavior, the triggers, the progression. Does that sound familiar to anyone? I checked the articles page but didn't see a title that matched what I'd read.

(Once I spent time at a 'celebirty morgue' site, I was zoned out then too, seeing pics of famous people at their death, don't know why I kept looking,it was macabre, that was different, but somehow similar?)

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

Top
#132179 - 10/31/05 02:06 AM Re: wasting time on porn
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
I think this is the article you are referring to:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/singer2.htm

Hopefully, it has something in it that can help.
Ken


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#132180 - 10/31/05 01:00 PM Re: wasting time on porn
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Galapogos,

Looking back over the thread I was struck by something that Willtobecomplete says:

Quote:
It was a way of retraumitizing myself and that little boy inside of me, in an act of self hatred, and if I ever wanted that little boy to trust me again and open up to me what he is thinking and feeling, and reveal to me everything that happened, I would have to stop.
That reminds me of how I felt when I was a teenager just recently emerging from abuse. Everything about sex made me feel guilty and uncomfortable, and especially porn. Images were not so common back then, but when I saw them I was torn between my boyish horniness and curiousity and my feelings of "that's what HE did to me" and "that's what I am".

As an adult it seems to me that the great danger of porn is the way - as others have noted above - it feeds on our insecurities and low self-esteem and makes these problems worse. Almost like alcohol perhaps.

I also wonder - and I do not say this to judge anyone - how many of those images are actually images of abuse. Perhaps this also something that, deep down inside, troubles us about this material.

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#132181 - 10/31/05 07:01 PM Re: wasting time on porn
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
My therapist would say that we're trying to work out what happened to us. That by seeing these images, "looking for the that particular scene," that we'll find get it, why it happened to us, and we'll be somehow cured.
Keep processing in therapy, the only, really healthy way to work it out.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#132182 - 11/04/05 01:37 AM Re: wasting time on porn
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
Last Sunday I dumped my collection of porn, I also got a new used laptop and I trashed my old hard drive (I've been planning on getting a new comp for a while)
I feel somehow lighter not having the porn around, or on my hard drive. It's like a little weight has been lifted, not a huge weight...but I feel different.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

Top
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