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#132173 - 10/21/05 09:10 PM wasting time on porn
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
A couple nights ago I wasted several hours online surfing gay porn sites, I just kept clicking, came across some dubious sites as well.

I wasn't turned on, or excited, it was like I was zoned out, like a zombie on auto pilot, I was just clicking, looking for something but not finding it.

The next day I felt ashamed when I thought about it, uncomfortable. Wondered about the guys in the pictures, who took the pictures? who were they?
I don't know why, or what it is I'm looking for, since I just keep looking. I don't save the images, I don't evem remember most of them.
When I first discovered internet porn it was really exciting, and addictive, but then after awhile it kind of gets boring, but I still look. There seems to be an inverse relationship between my self-esteem and my interest in porn. When I'm down on myself I'm more interested in porn, when I'm feeling good, busy with work, spending time with friends, etc, then I don't spend time looking for porn.
Sometimes I'm turned on my straight porn, but I don't know if I'm identifying with the guy, or the girl in the image.
I think part of it is control issues, with porn I'm in control, I know, it's all fantasy. My abusers were the ones in controll when it was happening, so maybe it's my attempt to regain control?

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#132174 - 10/26/05 02:58 AM Re: wasting time on porn
willtobecomplete Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/04/04
Posts: 51
Loc: IL
I struggled with the same thing years ago, and had a simmillar reaction to it. Looking back I was finally able to make sense of it. I was acting out what happened like you said, but in a way that i felt in control, then I had all the feelings of shame, guilt, and Ptsd. I realized that it was not a good thing. It was a way of retraumitizing myself and that little boy inside of me, in an act of self hatred, and if I ever wanted that little boy to trust me again and open up to me what he is thinking and feeling, and reveal to me everything that happened, I would have to stop. So I did, was it easy? No way! It was difficlut, but am I glad I did? Yes Yes! You can to, and you will be glad you did.

_________________________
"Him....who is healing all your maladies. Who is reclaiming your life from the very pit" Ps 103:3-4

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#132175 - 10/26/05 03:39 AM Re: wasting time on porn
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
I've always thought of those activities as a way to put ourselves down. Like you said, Galop, "When I'm down on myself I'm more interested in porn, when I'm feeling good, busy with work, spending time with friends, etc, then I don't spend time looking for porn."
When we're down on ourselves, we do or think on something that really defines us as bad, unhealthy, or despicable. I mean, why would we do these things unless we were "bad, unhealthy or despicable," right?
The more we get out what happened to us the less we'll feel the need to do activities that bring us down or make us feel unworthy of positive activities.
Good thread.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#132176 - 10/26/05 03:29 PM Re: wasting time on porn
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
David,

Thanks for those remarks. Reminds me of something someone quoted from Ken Singer (if memory serves): "Talk it out or you will act it out."

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132177 - 10/26/05 04:10 PM Re: wasting time on porn
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
It hits me when I'm feeling controlled by the world, disconnected emotionally, and lonely. I used to look for that one photo where in my imagination I could see that the guy loved me. The hardcore stuff grossed me out--too close to SA, I guess, but I'd scan the web for hours trying to find the guys who were non-threatening, beautiful, and loved me.

It's all fake. Even writing this post I have to remind myself of that. And I think the reason I'd keep going, searching, searching, searching, is that even if I found that one guy who fit the fantasy, it wasn't fulfilling. There wasn't really any love. I was still controlled, stressed, and alone. And so either the search would go on, looking for more and more intense images that might possibly fill this void that my uncle fooled me into thinking SA filled. Or I'd turn inward and MB compulsively.

We need love outside. Like you said,
Quote:
when I'm feeling good, busy with work, spending time with friends, etc, then I don't spend time looking for porn.
That's what has helped me. I had to stop looking to my perp uncle's ways to fill my need for love and acceptance. It's real people and real friends talking about our feelings and feeling accepted, feeling OK for just being me and not because I'm some bad kid who has to lure men to love me. It's such a difficult crutch to let go of. But your post is a reminder to me to not even give in once if I can keep control of myself.

The advice here is good. I think I'm going to have that tattood in reverse print on my forehead: "Talk it out or you will act it out." Really good advice.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#132178 - 10/30/05 10:22 PM Re: wasting time on porn
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
I wasted time again looking at porn last night. I'd had a few beers, kept clicking on links, pics, etc. I wasn't turned on, I was more zoned out.

"Talk it out or you will act it out" is good advice. I put it on a post-it on my monitor today. I also thought of "stop, drop, and roll" -the advice for if you're on fire, except I thought of the "roll" as 'role-play': what it is you're looking for, doing, seeking, thinking, feeling? -instead of clicking, etc.

There was an article posted on another thread, I can't remember if it was posted and/or by Ken Singer, but it was about the process of addictive behavior, the triggers, the progression. Does that sound familiar to anyone? I checked the articles page but didn't see a title that matched what I'd read.

(Once I spent time at a 'celebirty morgue' site, I was zoned out then too, seeing pics of famous people at their death, don't know why I kept looking,it was macabre, that was different, but somehow similar?)

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#132179 - 10/31/05 02:06 AM Re: wasting time on porn
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
I think this is the article you are referring to:
http://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/singer2.htm

Hopefully, it has something in it that can help.
Ken


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#132180 - 10/31/05 01:00 PM Re: wasting time on porn
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Galapogos,

Looking back over the thread I was struck by something that Willtobecomplete says:

Quote:
It was a way of retraumitizing myself and that little boy inside of me, in an act of self hatred, and if I ever wanted that little boy to trust me again and open up to me what he is thinking and feeling, and reveal to me everything that happened, I would have to stop.
That reminds me of how I felt when I was a teenager just recently emerging from abuse. Everything about sex made me feel guilty and uncomfortable, and especially porn. Images were not so common back then, but when I saw them I was torn between my boyish horniness and curiousity and my feelings of "that's what HE did to me" and "that's what I am".

As an adult it seems to me that the great danger of porn is the way - as others have noted above - it feeds on our insecurities and low self-esteem and makes these problems worse. Almost like alcohol perhaps.

I also wonder - and I do not say this to judge anyone - how many of those images are actually images of abuse. Perhaps this also something that, deep down inside, troubles us about this material.

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#132181 - 10/31/05 07:01 PM Re: wasting time on porn
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
My therapist would say that we're trying to work out what happened to us. That by seeing these images, "looking for the that particular scene," that we'll find get it, why it happened to us, and we'll be somehow cured.
Keep processing in therapy, the only, really healthy way to work it out.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#132182 - 11/04/05 01:37 AM Re: wasting time on porn
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
Last Sunday I dumped my collection of porn, I also got a new used laptop and I trashed my old hard drive (I've been planning on getting a new comp for a while)
I feel somehow lighter not having the porn around, or on my hard drive. It's like a little weight has been lifted, not a huge weight...but I feel different.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#132183 - 11/04/05 06:08 AM Re: wasting time on porn
Russ2 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 77
okay, lemme see if I have this right -- porn* is bad? ...or is it only bad when we indulge excessively? ...or is it only bad when it takes the place of an interpersonal relationship? ...what about when it prevents someone from acting out recklessly, or dangerously?

thanks
russ

* the legal stuff, of course.


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#132184 - 11/04/05 01:58 PM Re: wasting time on porn
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Russ,

I'm no expert, nor am I an opponent of legal pornography. I would just ask does porn ever "prevent" someone from acting out recklessly?

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#132185 - 11/04/05 08:26 PM Re: wasting time on porn
Russ2 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 77
hi larry. indeed, it may not actually prevent such behavior. but could a man's responsible use of porn (and the subsequent release which goes along with it) in some way minimize one's need for a midnight romp in the local park, or after work trolling through some dirty adult theater?


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#132186 - 11/05/05 07:51 PM Re: wasting time on porn
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Russ,

I suppose so, and again, I am not an opponent of (legal) porn or a moralizer on this issue. It just seems rather like alcohol to me - with lots of potential for big problems.

I wish I could be more specific; it just isn't something I have thought about much or in a productive way. In any case, I'm in a bit of a sensitive and raw place right now, and so issues like this probably just appear very unnerving to me at the moment.

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#132187 - 11/07/05 08:41 PM Re: wasting time on porn
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
I don't think legal porn is bad, or evil. I'm not making a judgement about it, I'm just talking about how I've been affected by it.

I suppose alcohol is a good analogy. I like a good micro brew now and again, sure I like the flavor, but I drink it for the buzz.

I once attended a seminar on addiction and heard that 10% of the U.S. population will have their lives adversely affected by alcholism, 60% will consume alcohol with no major impact, and 30% don't drink, or rarely consume alcohol at all.

I'm guessing the numbers are probably similar for most addictions, alcohol, porn, gamblng, etc.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

Top
#132188 - 11/10/05 07:21 PM Re: wasting time on porn
Russ2 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/28/03
Posts: 77
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize we were talking about being "addicted" to porn. Addiction to anything is unhealthy.


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#132189 - 11/12/05 11:04 PM Re: wasting time on porn
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
Well, I don't know...maybe we are talking about addiction. maybe not. I just used alcohol as a comparison.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

Top
#132190 - 11/14/05 01:07 PM Re: wasting time on porn
igotsunshine Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/14/05
Posts: 12
Loc: pakistan
maybe porn is a way of giving us what we need, a safe controlled way of having a lover or sexual stimulation. That is self defeating if in fact it prevents us from forming a meaningful connection with another person as it usually tends to do.


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#132191 - 11/15/05 09:15 PM Re: wasting time on porn
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
In my past, pornography certainly played a role in my addictive behaviors. The process of getting sexually aroused releases a lot of nifty chemicals into your your brain.

The article Ken posted sums it up nicely, I think. For some people viewing porn is a self-defeating behavior, if they use it compusively to self medicate, just like for some people drinking alcohol is a self-defeating behavior for the same reason.

The trouble is it usually doesn't start out as a self-defeating behavior and you have to figure out for yourself if or when it becomes one. Everyone I've ever known who quit drinking will say that they stopped drinking not because alcohol is evil but because it was doing them more harm than good, personally. Figuring out when the scales tipped was the tough part.


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#132192 - 11/22/05 03:31 AM Re: wasting time on porn
freemen Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/20/05
Posts: 18
Loc: Alberta, Canada
Searching Porn for my abuser

I used to spend hours and hours scanning through porn looking for something - for one thing - one type of person - one body type - dark hair, thin, in good shape - hairy body - and I knew exactly what type of penis I was searching for.

It took me a few years to realize that I was actually looking for a similar body and penis type that my abuser had. I would go through hundreds of pictures, and then I'd find it. THE photo. THE male.

I'd masturbate angrily and feel horrible afterwards searching for feelings or some reaction or just something positive. The next night, I'd start again. Before the internet, I'd go through magazines searching for the same thing or even erotic stories where I might find my abuser to try to connect with another individual with a similar experience.

In one therapy session I realized what it was - or - who it was - I was searching for. I found it. I have saved the photo - the photo that most resembles my uncle during the years of abuse when I was a child. It allows me to expel my emotions - I can purge, cry, scream and try to forgive.
Almost overnight, the frantic searching stopped.

I don't waste as much time on porn as I used to. But the hours and he money I wasted - just looking for that one image was rediculous.


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