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#132169 - 10/18/05 12:26 AM Fabulous vs. Family
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Hello

I wasn't sure if I should post this here or, it the gay thread, but I am here. I have posted in other areas and stated that I have a sort of Dissociative thing going on w/ me.

Question: What do you do when one of your "parts" is gay?

1. I have a part that I call "Fabulous". Fabulous wants to die my hair w/ light blue streaks. Fabulous wants me to get my nipples pierced and a yin & yang tattoo w/ dolphins on it. Fabulous LOVES that thumping techno house music that gay clubs are famous for. Fabulous wants to go to gay clubs and do that bump and grind dancing up and down cute guys' bodies, to get them hot and then be taken home by them. Fabulous wants to explore w/ more than 1 man at a time. Fabulous is in full gear when I swim lap after lap in a speedo and do set after set of situps. Fabulous enjoys that my tall, swimmer's body is being oogled at in the sauna at the gym. Fabulous watches early, early a.m. advertisements for "Girls Gone Wild" and thinks the same sex party atmosphere looks amazing! Sometimes I feel like I am standing on the brake pedal trying to keep myself from crazy wildness. Fabulous dreams and dreams of being the 'bottom' in a sexual encounter w/ man, riding him and getting lost in waves of pleasure.
* In real life I have never been 'all the way' w/ a man.
** In real life I went to hear a band play at some bar last weekend and for the 1st time in my life, I ended up doing that very kind of bump and grind dancing w/ a woman who just grabbed my hand as I was walking towards the dance floor ... (Fabulous had a great time) and then she moved on to dance in a similar fashion w/ others.

2. In direct 180 degree contrast to Fabulous, I have a part of me which I call "Family Man". Family man wants a tall, beautiful wife w/ a smile that makes my heart skip a beat. Fabulous wants to go for walks w/ my beautiful wife, holding hands and talking about how our days went. Fabulous wants to be a father, and to do sippie-cups and safety seats. Family man wants to coach the little league team and help w/ homework and attend elementary school functions. Family man wants to take my beautiful wife out for fancy dinners and concerts all dressed up, so I can unzip her delicious, feminine body from a black silk dress at night's end. Family man used to feel so peaceful just helping by folding the laundry at my ex-girlfriend's house. I sure wasn't thinking about men when my ex-girlfriend and I were happy, and in bed.

3. Family man is afraid of Fabulous and Fabulous thinks Family man is a wuss. But I do so miss just playing catch outside w/ my ex-girlfriends son. I know that being a family man takes a lot of strength and courage ... i.e. to be there when a kid is sick and barfing at 3 a.m. or to deal w/ the tantrums and constant demands of children. Family man knows it is not wussy at all to keep a marriage together. Fabulous thinks that kind of life looks boring as hell, bc Fabulous knows things get mundane after a few years.

4. I am attractive to both women and men these days. Last week at the gym I found myself talking to an attractive man. Unlike my usual assessment of just a man's 'package' ... this time I was attracted to, a smile. And attracted to eye contact. And attracted to the idea of having dinner w/ this man to get to know him better. I found an excuse to bolt before Mr. Attractive could ask me out, or before I found my Fabulous self asking Him out, myself. Women smile at me all the time and want to introduce themselves and start up conversations. I know I am committed to healing and so I hold back in getting too engaged w/ women these days too. My women co-workers hail me as their poster boy of Metrosexuality bc I am kind, sensitive, dress reasonable well and can hum a song in Italian.

5. As I have read in others' threads here, I want my sexual decisions to be MY OWN decisions. I don't want to be defined by what the priest did to me. I have cried in my bathtub that if God made me gay that I am finally ready to learn to love and accept myself as a gay person. I worry that if I got in a real RELATIONSHIP w/ a man that I would hurt his feelings bc I would be looking over his shoulder at every pretty mother w/ a stroller. I have a hunch I am bisexual, but then again, I have no male friends, zero. This is either bc I don't feel safe from men. Or, I have wondered if it is bc I am trying to keep Fabulous reigned in. I am aware that Fabulous may be wanting to re-enact parts of my abuse. Or that Fabulous is just plain lonely and doesn't know how to connect other than through sex, or that Fabulous really doesn't want to learn to connect through any other way besides sex. Sexual connecting feels like reaching the apex of Life and the Universe itself to Fabulous.

6. I have looked at my journal entries from years back and it seems like every time I get close to talking about the rape of the priest and some fat man whose face I can't remember, that this orientation issue is discussed at length by me. I am determined to Move FORWARD this time. But I don't know how to get unstuck here.

Helpful comments, Please


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#132170 - 10/18/05 09:37 PM Re: Fabulous vs. Family
OnHold Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/02/04
Posts: 10
Loc: Raleigh, NC
I used to think I had it all sorted out. I used to think that I was only attracted to men physically. I used to think it was just a result of what happened to me. But now...

I met a guy at work, and like you all of the sudden it wasn't just physical or even primarly physical. I was attracted to a smile, his kindness to others, his gentle spirit, humor, laugh... all of the sudden I had to deal with something that I had tried so hard not to be... gay!

I had tried so hard to be straight or at least bi... a combination of growing up fandamentalist and having been abused by my uncle worked, conspired even, to prevent me from seeing that being gay was an option.

All of this would be simple for me now except that I'm already in a heterosexual marriage... I should say a hetero marriage, because there is nothing sexual about it at all. My wife and I haven't had sex in over a year... and thats after 5 years of once-a-month attempts, half of which ended because I couldn't stay or get hard.

So my advise would be --- be honest with yourself. But also realize that the choice isn't just Fab. or just Family. I think a third was is possible --- family with another man. Mayby its through adoption or working to help kids have a great and healthy life in other areas (church, through your work, etc.). Fab may have to give up the threesomes, and Fab's inclination to promiscuity --- but if he does, then maybe he and Famliy Man can coexist.

If I could turn back time a few years and take with me everything I finally understand about myself now, thats what I would do. I'd be honest with myself and, for me, that would mean that I'd have tolearn that Family isn't just a man, a woman, and 2.5 children --something I should have known being the child of a single Mom. I wish to God I could go back in time and change it all... then I would not have brought my wife into this mess.

When you imagine yourself looking over that theoretical male partner's shoulder at the attractive woman with the carriage... is she attractive bacause she represents family or is it the same kind of attraction you imagin feeling for the guy? I know that sometimes it might be hard to tell. But I think it will involve that kind of examining. For me it also involved my dreams. In the 32 years of my life I have only had one dream in which I was having sex with a woman. And during that time all I could think was, "What in the hell am I doing? I don't even enjoy this!" Every other sexual dream has been with a man. I felt I needed to pay attention to that.

I know the pain of being stuck... its even embodied in my handle. I haven't found a quick fix... the only thing that has helped has been examining my life and being as honest as I can with myself. For me that meant admitting that I am attracted to men.

However you decide to proceed, just be honest and be safe --- you're worth that.


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#132171 - 10/18/05 09:54 PM Re: Fabulous vs. Family
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Wow, this sounds SO familiar. My two parts were one I will call here "The Perfect One" and the other was called "Rebel". They were at war. And if Perfect overextended himself, Rebel would swing in and make a royal mess of my life, which would cause Perfect to exercise even more power. It was a power struggle that often made any progress I might make more difficult or wipe it out completely.

Rebel was the young teenage blonde guy with bleached hair, buffed bod, gay clothes, a flirt with any guy with a fantastic smile. He (more correctly "I") masturbated night and day, fantasized, did gay porn. And no, I never did anything with another male either.

Perfect was non-sexual. He married without a sexual thought. He volunteered at every possible charity, did Bible study, pleased the parents, went to college, got good grades. He worked so hard at being perfect and at feeling nothing that if Rebel hadn't existed, I probably would not be here today, because nobody can be perfect all the time. Perfect guy was set up to fail.

There were other parts, childlike parts, protective parts, punishment parts, but it was Perfect and Rebel that were the extremes that kept the pendulem swinging so violently.

DID is a world of extremes. I found that reality is somewhere in the middle. That I'm not Rebel, but I'm not Perfect either. What I did learn was to never make a decision based on the extreme of a part inside. If Fabulous got you to do something that hurt other parts inside, you would be suffering for a long time. The same goes for Family Man. Each part has to tell his story, feel what he feels, until he fades into the background and becomes not quite so necessary for you to function as a whole. In my inside world, I learned from Rebel that he was the one who took the abuse. If it was his idea, if he had the sexual power, then it wasn't the little boy's fault. So he threw himself in front of the train, so to speak. He became an object in order to protect me from being one. If that makes sense. And Perfect had to be perfect to counteract the intense shame that comes with being a rag used by a pedophile.

The only way I know to get unstuck is to take each part back to the scene of the crime in your mind and let them cry. Let them feel that it's not their fault, that they had no control. It took Rebel seeing that his fantasy of power was exactly that. I was a child. No child has power when confronted by an attacker. Once Rebel understood that, he blended more into the background, and I was more able to make decisions like you say--based on what I want.

Everybody's different. I don't know what your parts want or need or why they exist. Only your parts know that. Talk to them instead of letting them take over, if you can. Their positions are often far more logical than they appear.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#132172 - 10/19/05 02:08 AM Re: Fabulous vs. Family
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Wow -

Great Responses and I feel I should address each one.

ON-HOLD:
1. Your story touched me w/ your vulnerability in telling your struggles of acceptance of past choices and present circumstances. I admire your honesty and genuinely hope that your life evolves in a way which brings long-term peace.

2. I too have been in a marriage w/out sex and it is a painful place to be. I've been divorced four years now. In my case I wanted to be intimate w/ my wife, but she would balk at tolerating a hug most times, much less anything closer.

3. I believe my primary attractions are to women first. I don't go shopping at Target and almost run my cart into the shelf looking at the men, the way I do when I look at the women. I think women's breasts are God's greatest invention. I have plenty of steamy fantasies about women which involve eye contact and gentle touches of intimacy as much as the sexual part.

4. I am honest enough to admit I have fantasies w/ men too but those are primarily about positions vs. communication. I have found that often times when I climax after imagining being w/ a man, I am calling out my ex-girlfriends name - as if I were ever to have sex w/ a man, that I'd want that special woman there to share the emotional part of the moment with me ... I can't believe I just wrote that. The Mr. Attractive I met at the gym might change my ability to engage my heart w/ a man and not just my body. Would I be brave enough to talk w/ him and get to know him to find out?

5. I am aware that 'families' come in all sorts of configurations and I have met and worked w/ a number of very nurturing and caring gay and lesbian parents as a social worker. I have never been in a real caring relationship w/ a man and so I can't honestly say if I would be able to see myself shopping for diapers and pushing a stroller to the playground w/ a man-partner.

FOREVERFIGHTING:

1. You write a lot of good stuff here. DID is indeed about extremes of emotion which have been compartmentalized for the very reason that they are so extreme.

2. I have been trying be less afraid of Fabulous to find out what his "lesson" for me is. I wonder if I might be attracted to the guy from the gym just to go out a few times and learn for sure if I can even have a real, caring relationship w/ a man. Or, maybe Fabulous has other lessons for me.

3. But I made a point in my quiet, meditative time this morning to be present w/ whatever emotions or stories Fabulous might need to share. I haven't had any major epiphanies from Fabulous yet, but at least I am not pushing him away so much anymore.

4. Perhaps you were right when you mentioned the theme of "Power". Bc Fabulous sure would be able to wield some power over men if I let that side of me really engage. And to bring the theme of power full-circle, is the need for power to keep men away to keep my body safe, or my heart safe?

5. I will re-read all this tonight and ponder it some more.

Thanks both ON-HOLD and FOREVERFIGHTING


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