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#132162 - 10/08/05 07:19 PM what does it mean to be gay?
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
What does it mean to be gay? I find myself asking that question sometimes, when I'm in a totally non-sexual rational calm state of mind. I'm not thinking about "why" I'm gay, but what is it I'm trying to find? What connection am I trying to make? I've come to realize in the past few years that there is no one definition of what being gay is, or any single explanation as to why people are gay. Though there are people who will tell you otherwise, and make simple broad statements.

But what is it I'm really seeking? I've thought about what it is that attracts me to some guys, but not others, and it seeems to come down to being excited by their sexuality and wanting to somehow experience it.
But there's also a non-sexual attraction to some guys, where I crave nurturing physical contact, hugs, being held, etc.
I grew up in sort of stereotyped family (for gay men), overbearing mother, cold distant father. Am I trying to get the love I didn't feel from my father? I know now that he loved me, but he could never express it. Was I turned off to women by my mother violating my boundaries?

It's difficult not to keep going back to the "why" question. I've realized, I think, that there never really is a satisfactory "why" answer. I wonder why I was abused, why it happened to me, why I'm gay, etc; but if someone looked in a crystal ball and gave me an answer I don't think it'd make me feel that much different.

I have a friend with a 12 year old son, and he's totally open in expressing love and affection for him. When I seem him give his son a big hug and say "I love you, you're a good kid" I feel kind of sad because I realize that's something I was always longing for from my father.

I don't know, maybe the "what" question can only be answered for yourself. I haven't really completely accepted myself as gay, I haven't come out, I haven't been in a relationship with another guy, those are all parts of a process of self-definiton that I guess would get me closer to some self-understanding.

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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#132163 - 10/14/05 06:30 AM Re: what does it mean to be gay?
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Me too. Bobby

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#132164 - 10/14/05 07:14 PM Re: what does it mean to be gay?
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Galapogos,

If I were to offer some advice, it would be to talk this over with a skilled therapist. Most of us, who suffer CSA, come away with feelings of being sexually confused, and that includes being confused about our sexual orientation. It only means that once we've had a chance to work through what happened to us, we have a clearer understanding of who we are...sexually, as well.
Maybe I'm the only one, who was so frightened that I was a sexual freak, that I over analyzed every sexual situation in which I found myself after being sexually abused. I missed some wholly natural expessions of sex after I grew up.
This over analysis, and constant questioning kept me feeling like something left over, rather than a healthy male with a normal sex drive. I thought it all was bad, that it was all contaminated, that I must be the only one who felt this way. I found myself in therapy before I got married, I found myself in therapy before our first child was born.
I tell you all of this because the scene is different, now. We do have competent therapists who know about the confusion of CSA, who can help us figure ourselves out.
I hope that you have found one of those therapists. If not, maybe we can help.
Good luck, the confusion sh*t is the worst...after all, aren't we one or the other?

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#132165 - 10/19/05 02:12 PM Re: what does it mean to be gay?
fozzy_bear Offline
Member

Registered: 10/16/05
Posts: 54
Loc: Upstate NY
Galapogos, you said something that I have just begun to touch on. Not even including the trauma I went through, I have that same feeling of wanting a loving dad and for mom to stop smothering me and then casting me aside. The last time I was in therapy it ended up being more about my parents and their relationship with each other and with me. Ugh its so tiring to have multiple layers of crap to work through. But anyway back to relationships. I think that this side of our humanity and sexuality is just as important to understand as is our trauma and abuse. I think sometimes I look at women and look at the mother part of them. Its definitely worth exploring more.


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#132166 - 11/01/05 04:35 PM Re: what does it mean to be gay?
Devon2BFree Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 16
I'm new and this is both frightening and helpful. I had the mom with very close and emotional relationship (more friends than mom) and my dad was very distant. I was rejected by my male peers (terrible at sports) and great at artsy fartsy stuff (music, drama). My first real sexual experiences were with the male abuser (from age 14-18). I was attracted to women, but the guy thing was powerful. I am married, have children and have no desire to be in a relationship with a man. However, there is male attraction, fantasy and I have looked at gay porn before. I'm embarrased and I hate this part of me. Will this ever go away? If I am "healed" from the abuse and the distant relationship with my dad, will I no longer have physical attraction to some men? Somedays I just long to be held by a big stong man, NO SEX. Will I have to decide and lable myself 80/20 hetero/homo? Will a lable help? Should I just say it's all a part of who I am? Should I try to get rid of the male attraction since it doesn't fit in the filter of who I want to be? I'm sorry I have more questions than answers to the orriginal thread. It's comforting to see others have the same thoughts and feelings. I have felt alone and damaged for so long. Is it possible I can truly identify myself as hetero and still have homo desires?


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#132167 - 11/03/05 06:33 AM Re: what does it mean to be gay?
A C Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/31/05
Posts: 13
Loc: Missouri
Deven,
I am in the same boat as you, the popular is bicurious. You have these fantasys about men. Some how attracted to them, but like women too.

But,of the things I know is true. We need to be bonded and excepted by other men. Seems to me that is what you heart is aching for. A true friend. One the really knows and excepts you. Any, kind of relationship like that is hard to find. Actually, they are build over time. But,when you have that, you'll have love.

When you think about it, I'll, bet those fantasys come and go.


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#132168 - 11/08/05 08:30 PM Re: what does it mean to be gay?
Galapogos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/15/05
Posts: 110
Loc: usa
It's helpful to hear from guys who are "bi curious", that's something that confuses me sometimes. But I suppose it shouldn't since sometimes I'm bi-curious too, meaning I sometimes find myself curious, or a little attracted to a female co-worker.
What confuses me is when a straight friend says or does something that makes me question if they're really all straight. Are they wanting to let me know they share the same feelings? Do they want to explore those feelings? Are they testing the waters to see if I feel the same way?
I've learned that there really never is "casual sex" between friends, I'd rather keep the friendship than risk the fallout from a physical encounter. The few times I've gone down that road it all ended badly.
But I too sometimes just want to be held by a male friend, maybe that's all they want too?

_________________________
Digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
Open up the places I got hurt
--Peter Gabriel

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