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#132139 - 10/01/05 11:37 PM boy girl debate
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
not sure if i will ever understand why i am so confused about sexual orientation.

so confused dont know what to say

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#132140 - 10/02/05 11:40 PM Re: boy girl debate
RockyMtJoe Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/04
Posts: 97
Loc: East of Pueblo, Colorado
not sure if i will ever understand why i am so confused about sexual orientation.

so confused dont know what to say

--------------------
Standing together is better than hiding in the dark.

Hello

It is a lifelong issue for some and a phase for others.

I have read a few of the messages in this area. I should have answered but I am older, tired and such on somedays.

Some here have experiences of decades (myself).
I read the posts and wonder. But posting here requires a gentle manner and effort.

Yours was a general question, statement.

There are answers. They will come to you.
The younger one is the better his chances are but even us old guys can still gain by it all.

I know a little abut suh issues as it went on for decades.

Will be reading and offer support and perhaps a few smart words but that is just never known
but support is the first step on this board.

Joe


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#132141 - 10/04/05 12:43 AM Re: boy girl debate
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
thanks

not sure what to say this is very hard for me understand, any wise words are welcome

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#132142 - 10/05/05 05:45 AM Re: boy girl debate
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
guess noone has wise words

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#132143 - 10/05/05 09:18 AM Re: boy girl debate
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Michael, it may be that we are unsure as to what you wan/t to talk about. What is it that you are feeling? Tell us more. I don't promise to have wise words, but is it enough to know that I care?

Take care,
Lostcowboy

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#132144 - 10/05/05 05:59 PM Re: boy girl debate
Dan88 Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/02
Posts: 247
Loc: DC
I don't have wise words.

I will say I think this issue is a real struggle because a lot of survivors really don't want to feel that their sexual orientation was directed by a child molester.

Even though I know being molested doesn't make anyone gay, it is one of those difficult things to translate from knowing into believing.

I've always been straight. But the fact is the first sexual experience I ever had was with a man. It wasn't something I wanted, but that doesn't change things. And it went on for a long time.

I know there are people who would say you are gay if you've had sex with a man. And so what does that mean for me? How would they define me? (Never mind, I don't want to know.)

I spent a long time sorting this one out before I finally was able to understand that while I was influenced in a lot of ways by a child molester, he did not define who I am. And my sexual orientation is mine. When you step back from all the analyzing, it's as plain as the nose on my face.

As we talked about in another thread, if a woman passes me by, I'll turn and check her out. A guy? Doesn't do anything for me. I can't imagine how bisexual guys get through the day, they must get whiplash. \:\)

Anyhow, the place I got the most help on dealing with this was from gay friends who were a big help in telling me what it means to be gay. I know that probably sounds stupid, but it was something I needed help in understanding. And if you want to know about something, talk to an expert.


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#132145 - 10/05/05 08:09 PM Re: boy girl debate
RockyMtJoe Offline
Member

Registered: 08/11/04
Posts: 97
Loc: East of Pueblo, Colorado
On vacation this month so will not be posting for weeks...


Sexual Orientation or identity

Due to CSA seems there are limited options for sexual activities in
my experience starting in my teens. I see this in other’s posts.

Discussing such without getting explicit is difficult.

What I see in some and myself is the sexual abuse so damaged some that they
cannot or get very uncomfortable or triggered by certain sexual acts. When one adds this to the other things such as such as the issues of:

1. Am I gay?
2. Am I bi?
3. Am I asexual?
4. I’m homophobic and that is that
5. I’m homophobic and I am gay or leaning that way?
6. I imagine being a girl?
7. I hate sex
8. Prefer porn to “real world” sex
9. Did sexual abuse cause all my issues?


For each decade since the 1960’s I have avoided certain types of potential partners due to my unwillingness to do or have done to me certain activities. No amount of therapy will ever change some of the issues but therapy did wonders with how I viewed myself and
others. If I was say even 50-I suspect that I would have a sexual orientation issue. But having a bit of a fantasy life can be helpful. Trouble is as we read here some move into a world of porn on the web and all that entails. Things that once dove me crazy and pained have long since dimmed. Humor is an essential part of my coping.

Wonder how many partners I drove to a bit of insanity? I was seldom cruel but left a few wondering what planet I beamed down from. As to liking boys versus girls? I like people who match my goals and have traits that I admire and still avoid all who remind me of my abuser or the situations. Perhaps that is why I moved into the “big sky” country and
avoid the reality of 21st century America.

Rocky Mt Joe



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#132146 - 10/06/05 08:12 AM Re: boy girl debate
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
i dont know what I am, what else is there to say

i am not asking for u to say anything

talk about being confused, if u r not confused u might not have anything to say

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#132147 - 10/06/05 05:26 PM Re: boy girl debate
puppy Offline
Member

Registered: 05/28/05
Posts: 129
Loc: earth
sexuality sucks. but i think the reason why is cuz we all want to put ourselves intoa a little box with a huge label on it. gret, i fit in the big gay box. but what if im not always sure? i dont think its at all a black and white issue. theres so much grey area in sexuality and thats totally ok.

i still get confused sometimes. dont know if its becaues i was abused, or just because its human nature to doubt every damn thing you feel. i think ive always known that im gay, but i went through a million stages of denial and acceptance. it started with, ok, this is just a one time thing and ill never tell anyone. then it went to, ok, i keep doing this, its some sick compulsion ill gorw out of when i meet the right girl. then it became totally apparent there was not going to be a 'right girl'. then i slowly learned that its ok for me.

its totally hard when youre unsure, because sexuality is such a big part of how we relate to other people. theres a lot of pressure to just 'pick a team' and go with it. but really, it doesnt have to be that way. talking to my therapist helps me a lot. and i think if you take the pressure off yourself to fit into a box then it becomes a lot less complicated. sometimes it is totally cool to just be undecided.

_________________________
pUpPy

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#132148 - 10/06/05 05:46 PM Re: boy girl debate
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Mike. Sexual Orientation is as puupy says. Pigeoning holing. I have no idea what I am and I, quite frankly, dont give a damn. I am what I am and I am comfortable with that. I love my Wife and Daughter and that is enough for me. I had a close friend in my time on the street with whom I had a loving and sexual relationship. He was the one that forced me off heroin and kicked my ass off the street. Looking back I think the relationship was founded on absolute trust. I also had sex with several street kids who were female. When I acted out over the years it was only with men.

All I know is that I like myself and trust my wife and daughter totally. I also have male friends that I trust but have not interest with having sex with them.

I better stop before I get more confusing.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#132149 - 10/07/05 06:26 AM Re: boy girl debate
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
thanks mike i had long talk w friend 3hrs over this and it helped.

seems I want a dad, I am looking at this close w therapist every week, I tend to agree w friend that i want a dad, I will update you guys

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#132150 - 10/07/05 02:20 PM Re: boy girl debate
chuck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/03
Posts: 97
Loc: mid atlantic
Yes the csa does not make it easy to know what orientation I am. I really wanted to be straight but my fantasties were always about men. I was married for 18 years but in the past 3 years with therapy I have begun to accept myself as gay. It wasn't one day that I suddenly realized but over time with the help of my therapist and other male survivors. However I sometimes find my myself staring as a beautiful woman walks by me. I am at a loss to why I am doing this except I admire beauty. Also I don't have a sexual desire but just the sheer beauty of the woman - her appearance, the way she carries herself and way she is dressed. Now when a beautiful man walks by me - I am envious that I wished I looked that way or I think his wife or partner are lucky to know such a man. For many years I didn't want to admit I was gay becuase I couldn't deal with the issue that possibly I enjoyed or wanted to be abused. Now I know that is not correct because there was no consensual sex but rape and I didn't cause it to happen. So I am still in the prcoess of accepting my sexual orientation because I fought or acted straight for so many years that it is difficult for me to be honest with myself. Yes the csa causes much confusion in many men including myself but I heading in a more honest direction about my orientation.


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#132151 - 10/16/05 01:12 PM Re: boy girl debate
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
had a date went well guess that is good

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#132152 - 10/17/05 12:47 AM Re: boy girl debate
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Good for you!

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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