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#132116 - 09/28/05 05:04 AM Compulsions
Yrban15 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 9
Loc: Connecticut
I was abused for several years starting when I was about ten and well into my teens...this presents a host of problems, but what I want to get to is this: the year after my abuse stopped (I stopped it) I began watching gay pornography intermittently although I am not gay. It wasn't until several years later when I began therapy that a pattern of my use of the porn emerged: namely that I would run/turn to it when I was distressed, when I felt like I was being picked on or made fun of, when I felt out of control, or whenever I felt depressed in general. The thing about the porn is that it never made me feel better but somehow I was convinced that it "normalized" me sufficient that I might be able to return to my daily routines of going to work, school, etc. With my therapist I realized that the very act of looking for the porn, whether it be in a store or online, was enough to put me in a state of numbness that reminded me of what I felt during my abuse. My problem is this: the more therapy I go through, the more I break out of the shell of my old perceptions and ideas, the more confused I get as to why I ever watched the porn. Am I somehow gay and never realized it? Am I being too simplistic? I have a girlfriend now who I love very much and there is a big difference between the way I feel when we are intimate and the way the porn made me feel. Also, I have never been attracted to men like I have to women; I've never gotten "the butterflies" from a guy, but am I supposed to be gay? Even as I write this I can see how little sense my logic makes, my sometimes it just feels like I am supposed to be here to please other men...because I know what to do...because I can still remember...and even now if I get anxious or nervous, the thoughts of finding the porn still enter my mind and I fight it because I know it won't make me feel better in the end or solve anything. My doctor says there are many levels to my use of the porn, but I still thought it would be nice to hear from someone else. If I am gay then it makes me very upset to have to end things with my girlfriend.


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#132117 - 09/28/05 06:05 AM Re: Compulsions
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
Hi Yrban, While I have not had your problem, there are guys on here who have it. I think they say it falls under acting out, not under being a guy who does not know he is gay.

You can do a search on (Lloydy), he used to be one of the mods, he has talked about acting out. You can also PM him if you like, he is a alright guy.
It may take a while but some of the other guys should be around to say hi.

Take care,
Lostcowboy

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#132118 - 09/28/05 12:32 PM Re: Compulsions
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Based on what you say, and this is my thoroghly non-professional opinion, I think what you were doing with the gay porn is using it like addicts use their drug of choice: to numb yourself to the pain you are feeling at the time. You learned at some point that viewing this type of pornography would turn off your feelings, which is preferable to dealing with the stress. I think if you look at it like this, as a drug addiction (and it is an addiction - again my non-professional opinion - that can be overcome), you can better see what was/is happening.

As for your orientation, again based on what you say, you sound like you are hetero to me. If you are happy with your girlfriend, then by all means be happy. Don't worry about being gay, don't worry about being straight, just be.

Labels are for cans.


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#132119 - 09/28/05 12:42 PM Re: Compulsions
LostnHell Offline
Member

Registered: 09/12/05
Posts: 34
I can totally relate Yrban. I have never felt attracted to men as I do to women. At the same time I've acted out and continue to do some acting out. At one point I was so afraid to even approach women, I'd start hyperventilating and couldn't being myself to do it and during that same period I was going to gay establishments for anonymous sex, and more for acting out abuse. It's a tough one still for me to rationalize it all and move beyond it. I think it's like Dewey says about labels.


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#132120 - 09/28/05 02:45 PM Re: Compulsions
Yrban15 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 9
Loc: Connecticut
Yes! That's exactly what its always felt like....like a drug...like I was getting my fix...and I hated it. Sometimes I would sit there for hours just watching, not even doing anything. It's so strange.

I wish I could uncoil my feelings and emotions and deal with them individually. Instead, when I've felt angry, scared, or stressed, its always led back to the porn. I don't know how to be just angry in the present without punishing myself.


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#132121 - 09/29/05 04:13 AM Re: Compulsions
Yrban15 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 9
Loc: Connecticut
can someone please tell me how to stop the triggers that lead to compulsive behaviors...I was just watching tv and there was a man in his underwear and the first thing I think of if finding the porn..I didn't do it because I don't want to anymore, but will it ever stop????????
I can't take it.


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#132122 - 09/29/05 04:35 AM Re: Compulsions
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
It sounds like a cliche, but the answer lies with self discovery and therapy. And somewhere kicking around in the back of my mind come the words, motivation, honesty, desire, good therapists, right and fulfilling relationships.
Don't know if that has been much of an answer. Hope you are well and happy. Keep posting. It does help. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#132123 - 09/29/05 05:52 AM Re: Compulsions
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
I agree with Andrew. The only way to gain a measure of control is to learn what your triggers are and how to deal with the compulsion when it strikes... and perhaps working through some of the emotional grief work to heal some of the old wounds.


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#132124 - 09/29/05 01:29 PM Re: Compulsions
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Yrban:

You wrote:
"can someone please tell me how to stop the triggers that lead to compulsive behaviors"

Check out http://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/singer2.htm

Ken


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#132125 - 09/30/05 06:28 PM Re: Compulsions
Yrban15 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/05
Posts: 9
Loc: Connecticut
thanks for writing back...I was reading through one of my books by Mic Hunter called Abused Boys and I realized that I am very ashamed of the things I've done...the thing is my shame only adds to the confusion and anxiety I already feel. I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, but when I look back now at my behavior then and my old modes of thinking and perceptions...it just makes me sick.

Was that the little boy acting out or me?


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